Niles has what he considers a great fund-raising idea. He wants to visit Atlanta, and he’s devised a foolproof plan. But you know what they say about something foolproof: "There’s always a new fool to screw it up."

Niles tucks a staple gun under his belt, thinking, "This way, when I say, ‘I have a gun,’ they’ll have to believe me because I’m telling the truth." You beginning to see where Niles is headed?

It’s four o’clock Wednesday afternoon and Niles approaches a clerk at the check-out counter. Patting his tummy, Niles says to the clerk, "Better give me the money—I’ve got a gun."

Not being a risk-taker, the clerk wisely hands over the cash. Niles takes off running out the door, but he runs right into the path of a herd of running teenagers.

Although suffering slightly from stampede syndrome, Niles recovers and quickly resumes his fleet-footed getaway. One of the kids calls out, "You okay, mister?" Niles doesn’t answer, as he heads for an open field across the street.

At that moment, the store clerk comes running out onto the sidewalk yelling, "Stop, thief—I’ve been robbed—stop that man!"

Almost immediately the teenagers take off running after Niles. Did I mention that these teens are members of the high school track team? That will be a factor in Niles’ crime career that he’ll not soon forget.

Just about the time Niles runs out of wind, the track team is just getting tuned up. With 14 boys standing around him, Niles decides to give it up—$19 in cash and his very own staple gun.

Niles tells his lawyer that the cops can’t charge him with armed robbery because he didn’t have a weapon. Turns out Niles is wrong—again.

If the victim is led to believe that the robber has a weapon (even if he doesn’t, really) then it’s armed robbery. The victim is, after all, put through a good bit of emotional grief during a criminal act.

So Niles goes bye-bye to the state pen for seven years. Guess Atlanta will have to wait.