June 1, 2005 -

DEEP MONICA!

---

Throaty mystery solved.

---

Now, details...

Younger people might not have heard of "Deep Throat," the shadowy figure who supposedly kept Washington Post reporters Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward going on the correct trail in their mission to bring down President Richard Nixon. The legend of Deep Throat endured for more than 30 years, ending when his family members wanted to share in the millions of loot Woodward and Bernstein raked in from the Watergate stories. Deep Throat was/is W. Mark Felt, who was J. Edgar Hoover's second-in-command at the FBI. Felt, now somewhat senile at 91, is portrayed by some as a national hero – whose overweening sense of patriotism led him to risk great harm to expose the corruption of the Nixon White House.

There was corruption in the Nixon White House but Felt played footsie with Woodward and Bernstein for reasons that weren't completely altruistic. He was severely hacked because Nixon passed over him as the head of the FBI when Hoover died. For another, Hoover's death led Nixon to believe that the President should tell the FBI what to do. Under Hoover, the FBI had been telling Presidents what to do for decades.

Woodward and Bernstein's supposed heroism in breaking the Watergate story changed journalism. Many college graduates who watched Robert Redford (Woodward) and Dustin Hoffman (Bernstein) in the movie "All The President's Men" decided to become investigative reporters. That lowered the wages investigative reporters could expect, since the Watergate backwash led to a glut of journalism majors. At one time there were five earnest collegians studying journalism for every single job in journalism.

You will be shocked (SHOCKED!) to learn that those poor enemy combatants we're holding at the Guantanamo Bay prison have been trained to lie. The (un)American Civil Liberties Union has tied itself into knots over the alleged maltreatment of Osama's boys. But an al Qaeda handbook tells operatives that they should immediately make charges of torture once they are captured.

There is pollution in the air over Cuba. Hundreds of left-wing American lawyers are flying to Cuba to represent America's enemies, who are being held at Guantanamo Bay. The influx of American scum results in more than a third of the 530 detainees having representation in federal court. The increase in lawyers for Guantánamo detainees was set in motion last June when the Supreme Court ruled against the Bush administration and said the prisoners there were entitled to challenge their detentions in United States courts.

This might be a good opportunity to cleanse America and the world. While all the volunteer lawyers are consulting with their terrorist clients, we could withdraw all support personnel from the prison and then blow it up.

Another rich drugged-out nutcase was revealed as a rich drugged-out nutcase. Police in Beverly Hills arrested celebrated movie director Oliver Stone for drunk driving, then found a stash of inspirational pharmaceuticals in his Mercedes. If you're just an average Joe or Jane then you might mistake inspiration pharmaceuticals as illegal drugs – the same as the Beverly Hills cops did. Oliver is pretty much of a brain-fried has-been and his movies have generally reflected his psychopathic personality. My personal favorite among Stone's portfolio of crap was "JFK," which Stone sold as a fictionalized historical look at the Kennedy assassination. There was one correct fact in "JFK:" Kennedy was killed. Everything else was stoned. Or maybe that should be Stoned.

Those of us who can muster enough brain cells that we can rub two neurons together and create a thought know it's a national-security hazard to allow Democrats to appoint federal judges to a lifetime of meddlesome foolishness. Which brings us to the Bill Clinton-appointed Judge Alvin Hellerstein, who found that the public has a right to see photos of prisoners at the Abu Ghraib prison. Now CBS, with Dan Rather and Red Mary Mapes leading the charge, already aired the most outlandish photos from Abu Ghraib. But Hellerstein holds that the (un)American Civil Liberties Union has a right to showcase some that CBS didn't show, if they exist. ACLU lawyer Megan Lewis told Hellerstein she "believes" the government has more pictures. Have another drink, Megan and Alvin. You don't want "evidence," your idea is to promote Abu Ghraib as an outpost of Bush administration torture and tyranny – when the Iraq prison "scandal" actually was caused by a gaggle of low-ranking service jerks who got out of hand.

If you want more Judge Hellersteins in our courts, you know how to vote.

I have a rich uncle who owns 653,299,090.2 acres. But so do you. Uncle Sam holds title to 29 percent of all the land in America, according to the General Services Administration. Uncle Whiskers has all but locked up Nevada with 85 percent of the entire state. Next is Alaska, where the gummint owns 69 percent.

The American Family Association calls for a boycott of Ford Motor Company vehicles, alleging that Ford is the Big One when it comes to supporting the homosexual movement. AFA says Ford supports homosex marriages and even sponsors Gay Pride parades. Maybe this explains why Ford vehicles seem to be prone to rear-end collisions.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Does Ford guarantee a gay driving experience – or just a happy one?