Mattie walked into a sporting goods store wearing a Jungle Jim style helmet, and a pair of very baggy pants — the kind middle school boys like to wear.

Oh, yes, there was one other thing. Mattie was wearing a mask. It wasn’t a real mask, it was made of mosquito netting and was attached to his helmet. It did make it hard to tell what Mattie looked like. Now you know what Mister Dinwittie saw from behind the counter.

Mattie stood there mumbling something, when all of a sudden he lurched out and tried to grab the cash drawer. That’s when his foot got hung up in the baggy pants. Of course, he fell, and his jaw struck the edge of the counter on the way down.

At that very moment, Mr. Dinwittie and Mattie both knew there’d be no robbery — at least not this day. Mattie struggled to his feet, wiped the blood from his mouth and took off running.

Now running in extra baggy pants is hard to do. Mattie’s feet kept getting caught in the extra baggy pants. But somehow, Mattie made it to the fence behind the sporting goods store.

The boy tried to climb over the fence, but there were those extra baggy pants to get tangled up in. As Mattie rolled over the top rail of the fence his pants snagged a fence post, leaving Mattie hanging upside down.

By the time Mr. Dinwiddie arrived at the fence, Mattie was hanging there screaming at the top of his lungs.

Not only did Mr. Dinwittie refuse to help the boy get loose, but he had a Louisville Slugger poised for action in case Mattie tried to run.

The boy was still hanging on the fence, upside down, when a town cop arrived. Now that Mattie’s in jail he’s been outfitted with a nice pair of orange overalls, kind of like a leisure suit. That orange prisoner suit is still a whole lot better looking than those extra baggy pants.