This comes from a friend out west — who won’t sign an affidavit:

A couple has lots of potted plants outside when the weatherman forecasts a cold spell. So the wife brings the plants in.

But there’s a tiny garter snake living in one of the plants — which slithers out when things warm up. The wife sees it and goes ballistic. In fear for his life, the little snake scoots under the sofa.

The husband runs stark naked from the shower into the living room, as his wife yells, "there’s a snake under the sofa!"

Hubby gets down on all fours — in the buff — to find the snake. That’s when the family’s Lab "cold-noses" him. Hubby thinks he’s snake-bit and falls over on the floor. The wife thinks he’s had a heart attack and calls 9-1-1.

The EMTs ignore his protests, and load him onto a stretcher. But then the snake re-emerges, and an EMT sees it and drops his end of the stretcher. Now the guy is on his way to the hospital with a broken ankle.

Home alone, the wife calls a neighbor to catch the snake. He pokes around under the sofa, until he decides the snake is gone. Relieved, the wife plops onto the sofa, her hand tucked between the cushions. . . . where she feels the snake. She gasps and faints. The neighbor guy gives her CPR. The snake makes a third dive under the sofa.

The neighbor guy’s wife, just returning from grocery shopping, sees her husband in this position. She slams a bag of soup cans against his head.

The woman revives, and sees her neighbor on the floor with his wife tending to him. Assuming it’s a snake bite, she dumps whiskey over his soup-can wounds.

By now the police have arrived. They see an unconscious man and two screaming woman. Then the garter snake comes crawling out from under the sofa. A cop takes a shot at it. He misses the snake but shoots the leg off a lamp table. The table falls, the lamp breaks, sparks fly and the drapes catch fire.

I have to go now — supper’s ready.