"I bought the stun-gun, took it home and loaded it with a nine-volt battery. I pushed the button. Nothing! Then I read the directions. If you push the button and press the business end up against an object — you’ll get blue sparks dancing back and forth between the prongs. Impressive!

"Okay, so I’m home alone with my toy (actually, Ruth’s toy). I’m in my recliner with 'Little Guy,' the family cat, on my lap. He’s sniffing the stun-gun. That’s when I get the notion that this device needs to be tested on something made of flesh and blood. Little Guy immediately jumps out of my lap. I swear that cat reads minds. Now I’m thinking, 'If I’m giving this to my wife for protection, I need proof that it really works!'

"Here I sit in shorts and a tee-shirt with my reading glasses, checking out the directions, with the stun-gun in one hand. The directions say a one-second burst will shock and disorient the attacker; a two-second burst will cause muscle spasms and a major loss of body control; a three-second burst will cause the attacker to flop on the ground like a dying fish.

"I’m holding the plastic thing. It’s five inches long and less than one inch wide. It’s powered by a nine-volt battery. I’m thinking, 'No way this can do all that!' Little Guy is on the floor looking up at me with a look on his face that says, 'Don’t do it, you idiot.' But I figure a one-second burst from this plastic toy can’t hurt that much. Right? So I’ll give myself a one-second jolt. This is only a drill. I touch the tiny prongs against my thigh and press the button. '@%&# &%#@ mother of weapons of mass destruction!'

"I have no idea how long I was unconscious. Everything is vague when I wake up. I’m on the floor lying in the fetal position. There are tears in my eyes and my body is soaked with sweat. Neither my glasses nor the stun-gun from Hell are anywhere in sight. Little Guy is in front of me, licking my face. I think he wants me to do it again.

"A word of caution to would-be owners of this jewel: There’s no such thing as a 'one-second test burst.' Once you press the button your entire body will lock up and your finger will freeze on the button, sending who knows — gazillions of volts through the most important parts of your body.