Rudy is a retired cop and dear friend. I got an e-mail from him about a bizarre story—but let Rudy tell the tale himself:

"Last weekend I saw something at Lefty’s Gun & Pawn that got my attention. Next week will be Ruth’s and my 25th anniversary. I’ve been looking for something nice for her. What I found in the pawn shop was a 100,000-volt, purse-sized stun gun. The effects of this handy jewel are supposed to be short-lived. It’d give Ruth plenty of time to retreat to a safe place if she’s ever attacked.

"I bought the stun-gun, took it home and loaded it with a nine-volt battery. I pushed the button. Nothing! Then I read the directions. If you push the button and press the business end up against any object—you’ll get blue sparks dancing back and forth between the prongs. Impressive!

"Okay, so I’m home alone with my toy (actually, Ruth’s toy). I’m in my recliner with ‘Little Guy,’ the family cat, on my lap. He’s sniffing the stun-gun. That’s when I get the idea that this device needs to be tested on something made of flesh and blood.

"Little Guy immediately jumps out of my lap. I swear that cat reads minds. Now I’m thinking, ‘If I’m giving this to my wife for protection, I need proof that it really works!’

"Here I sit in shorts and tee-shirt with my reading glasses, checking out the directions. It says a one-second burst will shock and disorient the attacker; a two-second burst will cause muscle spasms and a loss of body control; a three-second burst will cause the attacker to flop on the ground like a dying fish.

"I’m holding the plastic thing. It’s five inches long and less than an inch around. It’s powered by one nine-volt battery. I’m thinking, ‘No way this can do all that!’ Little Guy is on the floor with a look on his face that says, 'Quit now, you idiot.' But I figure a one-second burst from this plastic toy can’t hurt that much. So I’ll give myself a one-second jolt. I touch the tiny prongs against my thigh and press the button.

@%&# &%#@ mother of weapons of mass destruction!

"I have no idea how long I was unconscious. Everything is hazy when I wake up. I’m on the floor in the fetal position. There are tears in my eyes and my body is soaked with sweat. Neither my bi-focals nor the stun-gun are anywhere in sight. Little Guy is in front of me, licking my face. I think he wants me to do it again.

"A word of caution to would-be users of this jewel: There’s no such thing as a 'one-second test burst.' Once you press the button your entire body will lock up and your finger will freeze on the button, sending who knows—gazillions of volts through the most important parts of your anatomy.

"Am I giving this to Ruth for our anniversary? I want it out of my house! Ruth’ll get flowers like everybody else."