July 26, 1999 -

RAPACIOUS RATINGS!

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We're back to Good Mourning, America; Amy is endangered; and Bill couldn't cram for his blood test.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- Security has been beefed up for children of the rich, revered and lifeless amid reports that CNN, Fox News Channel and MSNBC have collaborated on funding special hit squads aimed at ensuring new generations of JFKJr.-styled stories. "We regret that we will rub out a few celebrated offspring, but the economics are irresistible. Ted Turner, Rupert Murdoch and others have looked at the sky-high ratings from the JFKJr. coverage and it's clear that there are big bucks to be made from a judicious rubbing out of a few high-profile kiddies," said Amos A. Abohrt, a spokesassassin for the new coalition. Abohrt said the first "hit" by the new group is tentatively scheduled for July 2005 -- when Fox, CNN and MSNBC expect to end round-the-clock coverage of the JFKJr. story.

PLAINS, Georgia -- Former President Jimmuh Carter quickly embraced the hit-squad idea. "It's unfortunate for my little daughter, but it is clear that sacrificing Amy is the single best way to get America and the world to revere my four years as President," Carter said, adding: "The on-air babblers have transmogrified the John F. Kennedy years in office from general futility to gushing reports of the greatest leadership period since George Washington."

Meanwhile, Jimmuh is moving independently to improve the public perception of his presidency. Aides said all three Carter loyalists have been dispatched to plant rumors that Carter is a closet homosexual who frequently slept with Marilyn Monroe, Mafia honeys, lied shamelessly to Congress and the courts and fathered children from slaves back in the peanut patch. The Peanutistas said the fact that Jimmuh is asserted to be alive is no problem in the nostalgia area. "Jimmuh doesn't have to take a head shot," said Georgia Goober. Goober said most Americans believe Carter has been dead for at least 12 years.

LONDON -- Clinton loyalists heaped scorn on a London Sunday Times report asserting a breakthrough in which researchers taught apes to speak. "This is just another example of the subhumans in the vast right-wing conspiracy trying to deny credit to my husband," said First CarpetBagger Hillary Rodham Clinton. Warming to her topic, she said: "How can they forget the magic we worked in getting a wide range of lower life forms -- from Algore to Sheila Jackass-Lee to go on television and repeat `It's all about sex'," Mrs. Clinton harangued, adding: "And our Co-Presidency brought the first talking attack lizard to America. These Brits never mention the work we did with James Carville." Carville and Congressmuddler Lee had intended to join Mrs. Clinton at a news conference but were sidelined by dyspepsia attributed to ingesting tainted butterflies and bananas, respectively.

PORTSMOUTH, New Hampshire -- Algore hit the shallows on a photo opportunity that was supposed to depict the First Tree casually paddling a canoe on the Connecticut River. Crabby environmentalists objected when the local utility poured millions of gallons of water into the drought-drained river to keep Algore afloat. "It wasn't a complete washout," said Joe Lockhart, President Clinton's trained ape. "The President heard a report that Algore was seen on the river stroking an old oar and was very pleased."

WASHINGTON -- Clintonistas believe a new tell-something book will boost the President's sagging approval numbers to the glory of his Shop-Vac days. "Hillary and Bill: A Marriage" reports that First Shredder Hillary once had the First Molester AIDS tested after he had sexual relations with every third female in Little Rock. Bill passed the AIDS test but got an "F" for a yet- unspecified sexually transmitted disease. Seeking a seat on the bad-boy bandwagon, Algore said he once tested positive for Dutch Elm Disease.

AUSTIN, Texas -- Emerging briefly from obscurity by way of the JFKJr. tragedy was Bob Mann, who was press secretary to Uncle Teddy some while ago. Consistently referring to JFKJr. as "John-John" in repeat appearances on the Fox News Channel, Mann put most of his energy into telling the viewers what a brave and wonderful man Uncle Teddy is. He said the Massachusetts White Whale is "absolutely fearless." Mary Jo Kopechne was not available for comment.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Will the last JFKJr. memorial telecast be disrupted by the Y3K bug?

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