July 28, 1999 -

RAZORBACK RAPACITY!

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Bill needs some time in Arkansas; Stonewall needs more bucks; and Florida's grass is imperiled.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas -- Clintonistas are not distressed over a poll of Arkansas, showing that Arkies would reject Clinton if he tries to run for the U.S. Senate. "We understand that the poll shows that 53 percent of Arkansas voters would pick Asa Hutchinson for the Senate to 37 percent for the First Fondler, but it's early," said James Carville. Carville said there were good omens in the yet-unreleased poll. "Yoah Prez'dent, the most moral man in America, still leads Hutchinson in Women Over 50," Carville said, adding: "Thass because Yoah Prez'dent has had consensual sexual relations with four out of five Arkansas broads 50 or older. Once he gets back in the saddle in Little Rock, the young 'uns will come around," Carville said.

ORLANDO, Florida -- Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno is expected to ask for a billion-dollar increase in the Justice Department budget since the cruise-ship industry now will report all on-ship crimes to the FBI. "We have spent a lot of money finding ways not to investigate Chinese nuclear espionage, fund- raising abuses and we have spent even more finding ways not to bring charges against several thousand people in the Clinton administration alone," Ms. Reno whined. She said her Cover-Up Budget was sucked dry in the first month of the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Ms. Reno said everything costs more in Justice these days. "We added several hundred new paper shredders and these things don't run themselves," the American Great Wall wailed. Ms. Reno said she personally believes that reports of sex crimes on cruise ships might be overdone. "Donna Shalala and I took a cruise and nobody bothered US," she said.

Ms. Reno defended a Justice Department decision to allow presidential assailant John W. Hinckley Jr., to leave a mental hospital for occasion supervised outings. "John has promised he will observe a five-day waiting period before shooting any more Republicans," Ms. Reno said, adding: "Besides, if George W. Bush is sleeping with Jody Foster, that's not my problem."

SKANEATELES, New York -- Despite reservations about the region's nomenclature, First CarpetBagger Hillary Rodham Clinton plans to vacation for five days in New York state's scenic Finger Lakes region. "I hope New Yorkers will send me to the Senate where one of my many priorities will be to change the name of the Finger Lakes to something less provocative," Mrs. Clinton canted. She said she and her husband have been getting The Finger often lately. "I believe it is part of the vast Right Hand Conspiracy," she said, adding: "I want to do this for The Children."

MIAMI -- Pot lovers are uniting to fight off an attempt by Florida drug agents to dust Florida's Grass Belt with fusarium oxysporum, an engineered bioherbicide which attacks marijuana plants. Hye Tymes, who said he believes he was recently at Woodstock, said the government has more pressing priorities. "I mean, like, wow, I mean, why don't they, like, come up with something that will, like, kill tobacco, like," Tymes tittered. President Clinton pledged to remain above the marijuana fray. "I would ask everybody to take a deep breath, but not inhale," Clinton said. Meanwhile, First CarpetBagger Hillary Rodham Clinton said she is studying the issue. "Do they, I mean, do we, raise marijuana in New York?" she asked.

CHICAGO -- First Fool Jesse Jackson says he will not endorse either Democratic presidential candidate quickly. Sources said Jackson, President Clinton's religion adviser, is holding his wisdom until either Algore or Bill Bradley promises, in writing, that he will not offer Jackson a real job in any new administration. "You want my mob, promise I don't get no job," Jackson said.

WASHINGTON -- President Clinton will meet with Chinese President Jiang Zemin in September, but White House sources say Yoah Prez'dent will be careful this time. "The President pledges to observe a voluntary five-day waiting period before selling any new nuclear weapons secrets to China," said Redd Garde, a Clinton adviser.

PASADENA, California -- America's Lowest-Rated Lesbian, Ellen DeGeneres, is reported trying to work out the kinks in a CBS contract for a return to network television. Deedee Gennirate, a spokesmixup for Ms. DeGeneres, said the CBS comedy might feature Ellen as the host of a variety show, or as a little Dutch Boy.

HORTON BAY, Michigan -- The New Dork Times broke a huge story for Ernest Hemingway's birthday anniversary -- asserting that the people who knew "Papa" well knew him as a proctos totalus -- or complete ass. The Times plans a similar story on author Stephen King's birthdate, reporting that King is a tad on the strange side. A Times spokesgeek said the NDT will observe an acceptable waiting period before running the King expose.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Will Woodstock 2000 be a drag if Florida poisons the grass?

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