July 30, 1999 -

BAFFLING BUCKHEADERY:

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We've got a murderous market; California's governor tells the people to shove Proposition 187; Monica hits the bunker and there's the Tow, Texas tax-cut policy.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

BOSTON -- Senator Ted Kennedy initially wanted sympathy and understanding for the Atlanta killer, then changed his tone. "The Senator misunderstood the initial media reports and thought the killer was a gay trader, not a day trader," said Toller Wrance, manager of the Massachusetts White Whale's Sensitivity Division.

ATLANTA -- Meeting in secret session, the chieftains of the news divisions of American television networks agreed to limit coverage of the Atlanta slaughter to less than Kennedy and Columbine standards. "People have to understand that we work with pretty on-air people who aren't all that bright and many of them have brain impairment from overdoses of hairspray. You have no idea of the terror that grips us when we give them something to read with the word `Buckhead' on it," said Goone Porridge, a vice president at ABC.

Porridge broke off a media briefing so he could join his fellow executives in discussing how to portray the ancient handguns used in the Atlanta slaughter as assault weapons. Porridge said there would be another briefing, but only after a five-day waiting period.

SAN FRANCISCO -- Proving that today's Democrats can't stand democracy, Gov. Gray Davis bravely moved to gut California's Proposition 187 by not appealing a federal judge's unconstitutional ruling that much of Proposition 187 was unconstitutional. Proposition 187 angered those of Perfect Political Correctness by allowing California to deny core "benefits" to illegal aliens because they are, well, illegal aliens. Davis said the state will retain the right to discriminate against illegal aliens picked up at George W. Bush rallies.

WASHINGTON -- Monica Lewinsky surfaced this week. Sources say the President's favorite millionaire Shop-Vac is working with the President's Council on Year 2000 Conversion to make a "command center" acceptable for Clinton's occupancy. Ms. Lewinsky said her background qualifies her for the job, which entails designing Y2K-compliant kneepads for Clinton-compliant interns. "I mean, like, wow, they're building this, like, thing, in what was like a Secret Service place and I like secretly serviced the President secretly for a long time," Ms. Lewinsky likened, adding: "Before that bitch Linda Tripp like blew the whole deal."

BALTIMORE -- Moving inexorably to put Linda Tripp in jail, Maryland political hack Stephen Montanarelli indicted Mrs. Tripp for illegally recording telephone conversations with Monica Lewinsky. The evil Tripp tape-recorded conversations (to the extent speaking with Monica can be called a conversation) with the Child Kneepadder. "Mrs. Tripp deserves the maximum penalty for this criminal act," Montanarelli said. "She forced a Democratic president to lie repeatedly to the courts and the public. Besides that, I hear that she smokes and sometimes makes day trades in stocks," he fumed.

SKANEATELES, New York -- Illinois' or Arkansas' or Washington's or New York's most successful day trader, cattle futures baroness Hillary Rodham Clinton, said there should be a five-day waiting period before a day trader can trade. "As the smartest woman in the world, I can tell you from experience that day trading is a risky business for anybody whose husband isn't governor of a small, corrupt state who has business associates who want to help his Co-Governor turn a few thousand dollars into $100,000 with no risk," Mrs. Clinton confessed. On another subject, the First CarpetBagger said she will make certain one of her first bills in the Senate changes the name of Skaneateles to something that doesn't offend anorexics or glorify males. "A town pronounced `Skinny Atlas' simply doesn't make sense. I thought we New Yorkers had gotten past that," she said.

NEW YORK -- Obviously flummoxed by the lack of JFKJr. copy to read, a Fox News Channel anchorbubble introduced a story on killer Hippie Ira Einhorn with: "Einhorn was convicted of killing Holly Mattux in absentia." Sounds like Ira has an alibi.

TOW, Texas -- Darn, and I thought I would never agree with Yoah Prez'dent on fiscal policy. But the Sultan of Sleaze appeals to my self-interest in pledging to veto Republican proposals for a $792 billion tax cut. He says cutting taxes means the evil Republicans want to "squander" the money. You need to understand that Carole and I own Cottonwood Cove, a lakeside resort, and we ask people to send deposit money to confirm a reservation. Now a few of those folk sometimes assert reasons why they can't come and expect maybe I'll refund their money. No more. If I sent it back, they'd probably just blow it. (Thanks Bill. If Hillary runs for the Senate from Texas, she would feel at home -- wherever that is -- at Cottonwood Cove. We attract many fishermen and they're notorious liars. Remind her that I'll need a deposit.)

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Linda Tripp had secretly videotaped Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton, would Maryland seek the death penalty?

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