August 5, 1999 -

LEAPIN' LIZARD!

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Hillary under fire; Dundee was a crock; Hillary supports a four-legged hound; and Monica has an on-the-job injury history.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

ALEXANDRIA, Virginia -- Assuming that President Clinton would send him out to trash the First CarpetBagger for remarks made in a published interview, Attack Lizard James Carville began testing his anti-Hillary lines. A few: "I knowed she was a Republican all along. It ain't right to refer to the Prez'dent as a dawg." "Hillary Rodham Clinton is wot you git when you drag a fat ole' Goldwater Gal through a psychiatric ward." "Hillary ain't nothin' but a sex-obsessed has-been Republican who can't handle private sex 'tween consenting aye-dults." "Lotsa fokes say maybe this woman don't much like men, if you know what I mean."

Carville said Mrs. Clinton showed disrespect for the Presidency when she said Clinton is "a hard dog to keep on the porch." Hissing loudly, the Clinton Attack Lizard said Mrs. Clinton never even had a porch until she married the first Horndog. "I called Ken Starr a little midget when he went after Yoah Prez'dent, the most moral man in the world and the greatest leader in history. Well Hillary is a midget, too, jes' lack Starr, 'cept Starr don't have fat ankles and a flabby butt," Carville said. Told that the First Victim didn't disavow his wife's remarks, Carville shut down the rehearsal session and left for his annual inoculation against reptilian rabies.

BOSTON -- First CarpetBagger Hillary Rodham Clinton took a break from her listening tour to issue a ringing defense of an Irish wolfhound who got out of his United Airlines flight kennel and chewed up important control wiring. "We have to understand that this is a Bill Clinton-styled dog who is just hard to keep on the porch," Mrs. Clinton said. She said the wolfhound's background contributed to his dangerous behavior. "His mother and grandmother were both bitches," Mrs. Clinton said.

DARWIN, Australia -- Hillary Rodham Clinton made an emergency trip to Australia to defend the memory of Rodney William Ansell, a 44-year-old nutball who was the model for the lead character in the movie "Crocodile Dundee." Ansell opened fire on two police officers at a roadblock and was shot to death after killing one of them. "I was listening and I heard that Mr. Ansell's mother and grandmother both had consensual sexual relations with crocodilian ancestors of my dear friend James Carville," Mrs. Clinton said. "Being called `crocodile' with that in his background made him a hard reptile to keep on the log," she said.

WASHINGTON -- A seldom-mentioned adjunct of the Clinton cover-up machine is Chief U.S. District Judge Norma Holloway Johnson, a Jimmuh Carter appointee. Judge Johnson's role in the cover-up has generally been a subtle one, confined to stymieing Ken Starr's investigations. But she emerged briefly when the Washington Times revealed that Judge Johnson moved with naked arrogance to assign Clinton-related criminal cases to two federal judges appointed by the First Felon. "Judge Johnson is a good lapdog to keep on the bench," chortled Hillary Rodham Clinton.

LOS ALAMOS, New Mexico -- Accused spy Wen Ho Lee heatedly denied selling America's nuclear secrets to the Red Chinese. "He never sold a thing -- he just delivered what the President had sold," said Skum Bukket, Lee's attorney. Bukket denied Lee had done anything wrong but said it would be understandable if he had. "He was brought up by two tyrannical women of poor reputation. People referred to his mother as Olde Ho Whoopee and his grandmother as Big Ho Yippee," Bukket said. Bukket said Hillary Rodham Clinton will interview Lee for her new book, "It Takes a Village to Raise a Spy."

VENTURA, California -- Monica Lewinsky is considering a personal injury lawsuit against President Horndog, asserting that her internship caused her to lose control of her Ford Explorer and crash. "Ms. Lewinsky's knees were badly damaged during her tenure as the White House Shop-Vac and she found herself unable to move her foot to the brakes quickly," said a Lewinsky mouthpiece.

TRENTON, New Jersey -- Joisey freaks were exultant this week when the New Jersey Supreme Court ruled that the Boy Scouts of America acted illegally when they expelled a gay scoutmaster in 1990. "With this one ruling, the Joisey Supreme Court has put our state ahead of California," said Puhr Vershunn of the Joisey Gay Alliance. Vershunn pointed out that a similar case in California saw an exactly opposite decision. Meanwhile, sources at the Boy Scouts revealed the tipoff that led the Scouts to expel James Dale. "I believe it was when he taught the troop that the Scout motto was `Do a Good Dude Daily'," he said.

LONDON -- The Brit-based news agency Reuters instituted emergency gun-awareness training after Reuters put this headline on a story about the Atlanta brokerage office slaughters: "Atlanta Gunman Had Arsenal In Vehicle - Police." Nutcase Mark Barton's auto "arsenal" was identified in the text of the story as a .22 caliber weapon and a .25 semi-automatic pistol: weaponry that wouldn't qualify as an arsenal at a day-care center in Bad Breath, New Jersey.

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia -- Pfizer backed off from making its impotence drug Viagra one of the prizes in a Malaysian golf tournament. "We didn't want people to think we are making fun of erectile dysfunction, so we decided to offer hard cash," chortled Viagra peddler Bob Dole.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Hillary's itinerary reads (and it does) "Listening event," does the President's daily schedule list "Intern Events?"

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