August 24, 1999 -

CHATTERING COKE!

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George W. needs some image help from the First Rapist; There's Al and a prohibited substance; Viagra; and Roe v. Wade as Dick Tracey.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

AUSTIN, Texas -- Meeting in emergency session, advisers to Republican presidential favorite George W. Bush are looking to President Clinton for strategies to restore Bush to total public acceptance. "We are looking far and wide for a woman who will assert that Governor Bush raped her. If we can't find one, maybe we can come up with someone who will say that Laura Bush is a transsexual who wants to run for the Senate from Rhode Island," said Gallup Pohl, who has taken a leave from the Clinton Rape Crisis Center to work for Bush. Pohl said his investigators are following up a promising lead: that George W. was intimately involved in a number of dry holes during his career as a Texas oilman.

Meanwhile, the media-driven craze over Bush and cocaine continues. Several minor-league Republican politicians, apparently brain-damaged by their drug exposure, leaped to the press to announce they had "experimented" with cocaine. Seeking to get some interest in his flagging campaign, Vice President Algore confessed that he once ingested Miracle Grow in a futile effort to become the tallest tree in the forest.

LONDON -- Brit supermarket chain Asda announced a partnership with a Dutch flower company to establish whether the sex drug Viagra will put some pistol in its pistils. Researchers in Australia and Israel assert that adding Viagra to a vase of flowers stops them from drooping. The researchers say only one serious side effect has been recorded, that when a Dieffenbachia Amoena deflowered a nearby Magnolia, then filed for election as Governor of Arkansas. Mrs. Tipper took note of the project and began rubbing Viagra under hubby Algore's nose, explaining that his presidential campaign is going so poorly that he has had difficulty keeping a stiff upper lip.

TOW, Texas -- Okay, it's time to deal with something meaningful: Abortion and crime. We find that the mighty New Dork Times reports that Roe v. Wade, and little else, might be the force behind aborting America's crime wave. A report by Dr. John J. Donohue 3d of Stanford Law School and Dr. Steven D. Levitt of the University of Chicago says as much as half of the 1990s decline in crime can be attributed to the sharp increase in abortions after the Supreme Court's Roe v. Wade ruling in 1973. Pro-lifers and pro-choicers are uniformly flummoxed. "People who oppose abortions usually support the death penalty and people who oppose the death penalty almost always support a woman's right to waste a fetus that might get in the way," said Nicholas Neutre, who described himself as a moderate. Neutre said his worries about the dilemma caused him to slump into a fetal position, until Hillary Clinton and two lawyers from the ACLU tried to kill him.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Evidence of retroactive abortion as a crime- fighting tool came when the State of Texas belatedly miscarried Joe Mario Trevino Jr., in his 37th fetal year. He murdered an 80- year-old woman in 1983 because she had the temerity to interrupt Mr. Trevino, a parolee, while he was burglarizing her Haltom City home. Mr. Trevino became the 21st Texas miscreant to be retroactively Roe v. Waded so far in 1999.

NEW YORK -- Ever vigilant for an opportunity to inveigh against progress, the New Dork Times editorialized huffily against a meeting in which judges from the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals joined with state judges from Georgia, Alabama and Florida to discuss ways to expedite the death-penalty process. If The Times hates it, chances are it might be good for America.

LOS ANGELES -- AIDS, Abortion and Multiple-Marriage Activist Liz Taylor is resting corpulently after she fell at her Bel Air home and fractured a vertebra. Medical assistance was delayed because the Taylor tumble was initially mistaken as an after shock from the Turkish earthquake. Trading in pizza-related stocks was halted temporarily.

TOW, Texas -- Do you get the impression that the arrogant partial post-pubes who write some computer messages believe the IQ of the average user is somewhere between Sea Turtle and Rosie O'Donnell? One of my personal favorites is the "Return Receipt," which kicks off by asserting it "only acknowledges that the message was displayed on the recipient's machine." Then the insults: "There is no guarantee that the content has been read or understood." The "reading" part is really insolent. Do these folk think we send e-mail to illiterates? I can partially accept the part denying that the Return Receipt doesn't guarantee "understanding." Many of us are, after all, products of the public schools.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Assuming you have seen those omnipresent Viagra commercials on television, do you believe the ads promote a good roll in the hay, or the idea that you should take Viagra so you can go dancing?

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