August 29, 1999
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PUFFING PYROTECHNICS!
Stonewall Reno is tired of other people lying; there's
Bill and Dr. Pepper; The New Dork Times alludes to illusion; and a kinky sex
story that's not from California.
Those stories, and more. Now, the details...
WASHINGTON -- Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno has proved in office that
she probably couldn't get to the bottom of the Reflecting Pool in a concrete
swimsuit. But the mixed-up matron of mortar pledges she will find out just who
lied to her about the FBI's firing "pyrotechnic" devices at a concrete bunker
of the Branch Davidian compound in 1993. FBI's late-blooming truth- tellers say
tear-gas canisters were fired at the bunker hours before nutcase David Koresh
and his hearty band torched their compound, killing all 80 people inside. While
the disclosure brings the FBI's credibility closer to that of Ms. Reno, the
people who believe the grenades caused the Branch Davidian fire are the same
ones who believe that Nicole Simpson committed suicide. However, disclosure of
the FBI duplicity seems likely to bolster the bureau's standing inside the
Clinton White House. "Hey, these guys were lying successfully in the first days
of the administration," said Clinton confidante Slihm Bahller, adding: "We
didn't even know they were in sync with us."
WASHINGTON -- The truth has come out. President Clinton, who didn't inhale, who
didn't dodge the draft, who didn't have sex with "that woman," who didn't lie
in court, who didn't rape Juanita Broaddrick (maybe because her name was
Juanita Hickey when he didn't rape Juanita Broaddrick), has never used cocaine.
The word came from Jim Kennedy, a spokesfink for the White House counsel's
office. Sources say Kennedy departed slightly from what he was told when he
relayed the word that the President hadn't used cocaine. "Actually, we asked
Yoah Prez'dent whether he had ever snorted Coke," said Attack Lizard James
Carville, "and he said he hadn't in his whole life. He said he snorted Dr.
Pepper, once, but didn't swallow."
GOOSE CREEK, South Carolina -- The New Dork Times has brought hope to myriads
of people who are marginally conversant with the English language. There still
might be a job waiting at the mighty Times. That appraisal comes after Timesman
Frank Bruni wrote that Gov. George W. Bush seemed unworried by the press-
driven cocaine flap in a campaign swing through South Carolina, "making only
the subtlest illusions to the tense events of last week and reconnecting with
the loose, relaxed demeanor that is his hallmark on the stump." Now a
reporting, or editing, job at the Times is still tough to get, even if you're
marginally illiterate. We don't want you to have any allusions about that.
EDGARTOWN, Massachusetts -- Those simpering sycophantic scribes who cover the
First Pervert have finally given an inadvertent explanation of Bill Clinton's
attraction to Monica Lewinsky. The White House Press Corps buzzed when Clinton
released his "reading list" for his vacation, with the mighty New Dork Times
reporting that there are "no fewer than 12 titles on this year's list for his
10 days on Martha's Vineyard." Cowed by such achievement, the Times called
Clinton "a voracious and eclectic reader." All of which goes to explain Monica,
whose flattish head looks perfect for holding a paperback.
WASHINGTON -- The Clinton administration, having squandered beaucoup bucks
trying to protect the President's loose-zippered fly, is now wasting California
money to try to help the Delhi Sands flower-loving fly -- the only fly on the
Endangered Species List. The Clintonistas are stalling millions of dollars in
construction projects until San Bernardino County comes up with $220 million
worth of land to protect the Delhi Sands fly. A hospital has already spent $4
million to "protect" eight flies discovered near its construction project.
Maybe what California needs is a good SWAT team.
NASSAU, New York -- At first I thought the headline had to be from the San
Francisco Chronicle, since it read: "Sex With Girl Alleged." Now THAT would be
news in San Francisco, but not necessarily in a New York suburb. However, the
story dealt with allegations that a 22-year-old New York creep had Clintonian
relations with a 12-year-old girl he met in an Internet chat room. Mr. Les Clue
(no, I'm making up that name) is expected to fight impeachment from his job as
a salesman on grounds that the child had sex with him, not he with the child.
"Hey, it almost worked for youknowwho," Clue cooed.
TALLAHASSEE, Florida -- Old Sparky is in deep doo-doo. Florida's electric chair
has performed 44 separate acts of public service since the death penalty was
re-established in 1976 but the state Supreme Court now has seen pictures of an
execution. Some justices were horrified to see that Allen Lee Davis might have
suffered when he was electrocuted. That led the court to stay the execution of
Thomas Provenzano, the next man in line to ride the lightning, but only until
Sept. 14. In the interim, they presumably will decide if the electric chair
violates the Constitutional prohibition on cruel and unusual punishment. There
were no pictures of the deaths of Davis's victims -- a 37-year- old
Jacksonville woman and her two young daughters, slaughtered in 1982. It has
always been hard as hell to find a photographer when you really need one.
MARTIN, South Dakota -- The backward denizens of South Dakota have a big
problem -- since three noble Native Americans beat a white man severely, cut
off his ears and then dragged him behind a pickup truck. Some Politically
Incorrect people have suggested that the case of Brad Young, 21, might be a
hate crime. Young is unable to enter the debate since he remains in critical
condition at a Rapid City hospital, suffering from all manner of damage,
including a wounded knee.
QUESTION FOR THE DAY: How can one know that it is damnably dry in Llano County,
Texas? (One way is to see the signs the trees have hung out. They read: "Dogs
Wanted.")
Copyright-Paul Freeman-1999
"From Cottonwood Cove" is syndicated by:
 
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