September 23, 1999 -

PERIPATETIC PUFFING:

---

We're got Stonewall suits; Rossian boobs; Bush barratry; and even some sad tales of guns and knives.

---

Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- Smoking with rage, Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno announced a billion-bucks lawsuit against tobacco companies and others. "We're not just going against the evil tobacconists. We are going to collect money from the tobacco farmers who forced their caring and sensitive government to subsidize tobacco production and the freight haulers who have exported American death to unsuspecting foreign shores," Reno said. She said a separate lawsuit will be filed on behalf of President Fondler because a cigar company supplied the means to lead the President into his most degrading incident with former White House Shop-Vac/Humidor Monica Lewinsky.

LONDON -- American singer/actress/viper Diana Ross called on Ms. Reno to sue the Maidenform bra people over a humiliating incident in which a routine security check forced Ms. Ross to attack a female security officer. Ms. Ross had somehow set off a metal detector alarm at Heathrow and a security officerette apparently brushed a breast while performing the required pat- down. Heathrow security was unrepentant over the outrage. "If one thinks about it, it is virtually impossible to have any physical contact with Diana Ross without touching a boob," said Vel Vette Tetche, a spokeswoman for the officers.

WASHINGTON -- President Clinton plans to sue Special Prosecutor Ken Starr and the Boeing Company because his travels to Africa, China and Chile cost the taxpayers $72.1 million. The lawsuit, to be filed by Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno, asserts that Starr's investigation impelled the First Felon to get out of town, while the Boeing-made Air Force One made foreign fleeaways so easy that Clinton became addicted. Clinton's lawsuit blames Starr for forcing Yoah Prez'dent to take more than 1,300 Government drones on his six-nation tour of Africa last year. "If the evil Starr had left the President alone there would have been no reason to get them out of town so they could avoid subpoenas," Reno said.

AUSTIN, Texas -- Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno will sue Texas Gov. George W. Bush for adding eight prosecutors in Texas with an assignment to pursue gun criminals. "The governor doesn't understand that the only way to promulgate gun control in America is to ignore enforcement of our puny inventory of 30,000 gun laws," Reno said. She pointed out that the Clinton/Reno Justice Department has done wonders for the cause of gun confiscation by not prosecuting violators. "Our chirren deserve the right to grow up to be compliant White House interns, deceptive witnesses before grand juries and illegal campaign contributors. That development cannot be nurtured if we waste resources prosecuting minor violators of gun laws," Reno said. Reno conceded that potential interns for the Clinton post-presidential period should be subject to a five-day waiting period before they are allowed to purchase knee pads or commit perjury.

WASHINGTON -- In a surprising development, Stonewall Reno said she will sue Red China because the Clinton administration has been victimized by public outrage over selling American nuclear- weapons secrets. "We are now having to devote valuable time and personpower to try to safeguard the few secrets we now have. If the Peoples Republic of China had fulfilled its commitment to the President this would not have happened," Reno said. Pressed for an explanation, the matron of mortar spat: "Beijing promised to pay the Democratic National Committee for ALL our nuclear secrets. If China had made good its commitment we would not now have this annoyance." Aulde Ho Whoopee, a Taiwanese-born secrets dealer, said the Chinese refused to pay for several weapons secrets only because Clinton insisted they be shipped with trigger locks and delivered to a tobacco-free environment.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Lawsuits are expected against retroactive abortionists on Texas Death Row over the untimely execution of Richard Wayne Smith. Victim Smith dropped all appeals of his conviction for executing Karen Birky, a clerk at a convenience store, in 1992. Mr. Smith said he preferred execution at age 43 to dying by inches from advancing Hepatitis C. Death penalty opponent Fonda Fellons said the Texas Department of Corrections should be forced to allocate hundreds of millions of dollars to inmate health care. "There is no reason why Richard Wayne shouldn't have been allowed to live a comfortable 20 years or so on Death Row," Ms. Fellons said.

PHOENIX, Arizona -- Survivors of 15-year-old Salvador Ramirez will ask Stonewall Reno's Native American Lawsuit Division to sue knife manufacturers. Ramirez met his untimely end on the Gila River Indian Reservation after he stuck a four-inch blade into the stomach of Arizona DPS officer Dale Mace. "We believe the knife people should warn youngsters that it is a health hazard to take a short blade into a conflict with a longer gun," said Honnest Engine, an ACLU volunteer. Engine disputed an appraisal by tribal police that Mace was justified in the on-the- spot abortion of Ramirez because he felt his life was in danger after the teenager stuck him in the gut. "Hell, the blade was only four inches long and Salvador was denied his right to make another thrust," Engine complained. Engine said Arizona DPS officers should be required to keep trigger locks on their guns to avoid further tragedies.

AMERICUS, Georgia -- Lewis Harrison Jr., nephew of former President Jimmuh Carter, said he is asking the Justice Department to sue genetic engineering companies. Harrison was arrested after trying to scalp a $50 ticket to Jimmuh's birthday bash for $500. "If genetic engineers had been vigilant, he might not have been born into a family of idiots," said P. Knutt Braine, a lawyer for the Carter family trust.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Today's question deals with the Dead Zone. If Algore's presidential campaign is indeed alive, how can we explain rumors that Algore is a codefendant with Elvis and Princess Diana in a lawsuit filed in Las Vegas?

SHAMELESS PLUG FOR THE DAY: For a funny read about smoking and lawsuitery and Political Incorrectness in general, check www.amazon.com for my novel SMOKE JUMPERS, which came out in 1992 from Baskerville Publishers, Dallas. I set the book in the early 21st Century when smoking has become a federal crime and an elite corps of federal officers (the SMOKE JUMPERS) rampages the nation to arrest "tobacconists." (So what if I was a little late on the date. Sue me!)

"From Cottonwood Cove" is syndicated by: