October 17, 1999
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ANIMAL ANIMUS!
Jerry meets the needle; Money makes people goofy; and Algore
might go it alone.
Those stories, and more. Now, the details...
HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Maybe we should join People for the Ethical Treatment of
Animals. Now PETA is a gaggle of nutballs whose members wouldn't mind seeing a
human die to protect the life of a maggot, but maybe PETA could do something
to keep people like Jerry McFadden from nicknaming themselves "Animal." McFadden
this week became 1999's 27th scumbucket to receive Texas' kinder and gentler
lethal injection. The self-proclaimed "Animal" killed three young people in
1986 (while on parole for three rapes) and managed to take a female jailer
hostage during a short-lived escape. Once cornered, the "Animal," gave up like
a pussy cat. "Animal" shouldn't have had lethal injection. Texas should have
dusted off its electric chair (affectionately known as "Old Sparky) so the
relatives of "Animal's" victims could have sniffed the distinctive odor of
burning chicken dung.
NEW YORK -- Let's see. Howard Hughes spent much of his life in a sort of
bubble -- frightened senseless that he would contract some dread disease. A cold,
maybe. Ross Perot made billions as one of the sharpest businessmen of modern
times, then became a goofy little paranoid who thought President Bush was going
to send the CIA to ruin his daughter's wedding. Ted Turner built CNN, married
Jane Fonda and became at least as much of a zane as Jane. Now comes putative
Reform Party presidential candidate Donald Trump, who allows he doesn't like to
shake hands because it's, well, germy. Now what is it about being a self-made
billionaire that destroys the brain? Inquiring middle-class minds want to know.
(One word, Donald. "Soap.")
WASHINGTON -- Uh oh. Vice President Algore says he might not want President
Pervert's help in his presidential campaign. A fawning story in the Washington
Post reported Algore might eschew Clinton's valuable assistance, then intoned:
"The vice president's ambivalence toward Clinton -- the man once believed to be
his secret weapon in 2000 -- underscored how dramatically the campaign dynamic
has shifted this year and how uncertain Gore's own prospects are." Ambivalence?
The Post neglected to mention that Mr. Ambivalence once said Clinton would go
down as one of America's greatest presidents. White House spokesmen said
Clinton could not comment, due to a commitment to dive into the Intern Pool
after completing the sale of some more top-secret weapons data to the Red
Chinese.
HANOI -- The first Draft Dodger to become President of the United States plans
a visit to Vietnam next year. "I would say that I'm dying to visit Hanoi but
that wouldn't be correct, since several other people died for me," Clinton
said. The President reportedly plans to offer the Vietnamese some nuclear
weapons secrets that China passed over in Clinton's early fund-raising Nuke
Sale. "The President wants to get to know the people of Vietnam and he is
particularly interested in finding out whether Vietnamese women really are, you
know, like sideways, if you know what I mean," said a Clinton mouthpiece.
VILLAHERMOSA, Mexico -- Environmental officials said crocodiles have invaded
the southeastern Mexican city of Villahermosa. American Embassy officials
immediately put Clinton Attack Lizard James Carville in protective custody.
"It's best for James and to avoid genetic mixups just in case he happens to
come upon a comely female croc," an embassy spokesthing said.
POUGHKEEPSIE, New York -- Republican Rudy Giuliani's popularity among Catholics
soared when he condemned a dung- stained and stupid piece of alleged art,
leaving probable Senate candidate Hillary Clinton to announce another
late-breaking piece of relativity. "I might not be tough enough on paintings of
the Virgin Mary stained with elephant dung, but it has come to my attention
that I am a direct descendant of one of the Popes," Mrs. Clinton said. Mrs.
Clinton said she can't specify which Pope is her ancestor, but recalls that
both he and the missus were New York Yankee Fans.
CHAPPAQUIDDICK -- A Freudian slip? Sen. Teddy Kennedy, in debate on the
Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty, made three references to the "Stockpile
Stewardess Program." The Massachusetts White Whale presumably meant "Stockpile
Stewardship Program." But recall that Kennedy plaything Mary Jo Kopechne was a
stewardess when Kennedy drove his car off a bridge and then swam to safety,
alone. Ms. Kopechne's survivors presumably did not find Kennedy's faux pas
touching.
BALCH SPRINGS, Texas -- Police arrested Ronald Steve Chewning Jr., known in his
neighborhood as "Sparkie the Clown," and charged him with sexually molesting
two young girls. Chewning, a 30-year-old registered sex offender, admitted
having contact with the girls but said he was just clowning around. Chewning
said there was nothing wrong with running a business as Sparkie the Clown and
being a sex offender. "Hell, it's not like he's President, or anything," said
Sparkie's lawyer.
ATLANTA -- There's something strange here. The FBI has arrested two Georgia
men on charges of trying to sell an eagle-feather headdress worn by the Apache
warrior Geronimo. Now Geronimo died in 1909 or so, presumably leaving his
headdress somewhere. Late in the 20th Century the Great White Fathers and a
couple of Mothers made it a crime to sell eagle feathers (even ancient ones)
and two Atlanta would-be feather merchants were arrested after undercover FBI
agents negotiated to buy Geronimo's headgear for $1.2 million. There must be a
moral to this story. Could it be that FBI agents don't have enough to do?
QUESTION FOR THE DAY: How many people have died from a handshake agreement
with Donald Trump?
Copyright-Paul Freeman-1999
"From Cottonwood Cove" is syndicated by:
 
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