November 1, 1999 -

IRREVERENT IMMATURITY!

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Hillary is just a kid; Bill hates hate crimes (if they're "straight" hate crimes); the MLK papers; and exploding ashtrays.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- It appears that President Fondler has referred to the lovely First CoverUpper as immature. That conclusion comes from Clinton's statement about whether Algore will pay a political price for his slavish defenses of the First Pervert. "I don't think mature people hold one person responsible for another person's conduct, do you?" Well, no, I don't. But I can't keep from remembering that Mrs. Clinton blames Bill's old momma and grandma for his sexual peccadilloes. And that she blames the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy for her husband problems. And that she blames Ken Starr for making her obstruct justice. However, the President is uncharacteristically correct.

ATLANTA -- The First Fraud says "hate crimes" are the biggest challenge facing the nation and the world. Huh? Now, again, we have to agree that all but five or six of us here hate hate crimes. Most of us hate crime and criminals. But Bill Clinton wants extra- hateful punishment for hateful criminals if they happen to be "motivated" by "sexual orientation, gender and disability" in their crimes. Some of us believe that crimes are, well, crimes. Silly us.

BENTON, Arkansas -- The First Fraud apparently doesn't believe it is a hate crime when two mature homosexuals rape, torture and murder a 13-year-old boy. President Clinton has yet to say a word about the death in Clinton Country of Jesse Dirkhising, who was sodomized and killed in Benton, Arkansas. Mr. President obviously feels that only straight crime can be hate crime.

WASHINGTON -- There could be people who believe the Library of Congress is committing a felony against the taxpayers by paying $20 million for the private papers of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. However, those folk will remain silent, because opposing paying megabucks for MLK's jottings might be construed as a hate crime.

AUSTIN, Texas -- The mighty New Dork Times has inadvertently proved that Gov. George W. Bush is brighter than Hillary Clinton. A typically tedious Times tome reported that Bush made tons of money by being bright enough to allow money genius Richard Rainwater to advise him on investments. The Times said Bush stood by and let Rainwater turn a $385 investment in 1991 into $45,512 three years later. Contrast that to First Carpetbagger Hillary Rodham Clinton, who says that she parlayed a $1,000 investment in commodities futures into a gain of nearly $100,000, pretty much, she said, on her own. Now why does this make Bush brighter? He didn't have to lie about how he got his big gain.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Some of our Texas murderers are funnier, in a sicko way, than Saturday Night Live on its best night. I would say let's take Domingo Cantu, who described himself as a half- Hispanic, half-Apache "American Indian Warrior." But I can't say that because the state already took Mingo. He was the 28th Texas scumbucket to meet the Merciful Needle so far this year. Domingo made his final statement in German and Spanish and English. The trilingual warrior avoided in three languages explaining why he raped and beat to death a 94-year-old woman who was watering flowers outside her Dallas home 11 years ago. Mingo demanded belated DNA tests be run in his case. There was the scant doubt he was guilty before the tests; none after. If Hell requires a minimum IQ for admission, Mingo will spend eternity in limbo.

CLEVELAND -- Now all but two or three of us can agree that we're against racism and we don't think students should go around shooting other students, without regard to race, creed, national origin, sexual orientation, Zodiac signs or nose rings. Or just generally. But Cleveland's officialdom might be going off the deep end in exterminating a supposed racist student plot. Mayor Michael R. White closed South High School, saying there was a racist plot to stage "violent acts." The supposedly racist students in question are white in a generally black school. Now the cops say there doesn't appear to be a racial component in the alleged plans by the young white jerks to do violence. So far, the closest to proof that racism is involved comes from Mayor White saying there is. Cleveland cops swooped down on the homes of 11 students and seized a rifle and a pistol, both owned by parents and both unloaded. Racism, and overreaction, might be afoot in the land. Stay tuned.

GATESHEAD, England -- Young anti-tobacco Nazis struck smoker Jill Hanson. Police said Ms. Hanson, 29, lost fingers when she stubbed out a cigarette in an ashtray at a hotel. Officers said some young anti-smokers had emptied gunpowder into the ashtray. "It was for her own good," said Winston DeWeerd Jr., head of a clean- air group. "Those cigarettes will kill you," he said.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Today's question deals with the Creole word copacetic, which generally means everything is okay. Are Hillary and Bill copacetic? Or would that be co-pathetic?

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