November 8, 1999 -

WOT'S IT ALL ABOUT, ALPHA?

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Algore probably needs his shots; Mike Malice (sometimes known as "Wallace") has a limp response; and there's a 13-year-old Faulkner, kinda/sorta.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- The smart money says Algore has been a Tree too long to become an alpha-male leader of the wolf pack. Algore continued to bury Dan Quayle in the National Knothead Image Sweepstakes by paying psychobabbler Naomi Wolf $15,000 a month to tell him how to be Algore. Ms. Wolf howled that Algore needs to make the transition from being a "beta" male to an "alpha" male. For those of you not familiar with animal terms, the alpha male is the dominant dog or wolf who has sex with all the females and urinates on the beta males when he wants to express himself. President Horndog, for instance, has long been reputed to be an Alpha type. Algore and Jimmuh Carter are classic Betas.

Ms. Wolf, whose jottings include groundbreaking ideas that young women should learn sexuality by playing with themselves, indicated that turning a Chinese elm of a Vice President into a strutting stud from the Wild Kingdom was a challenge. "I'm beginning to wonder if Algore has it within him to be an Alpha," Ms. Wolf said, adding: "But even if he can't make the stretch to Alpha, maybe I can turn him into a Master Beta."

The White House's first planned campaign photo-opportunity aimed at demonstrating a randy and somewhat menacing Algore went terribly awry when Buddy, President Horndog's dehorned dog, hosed down Algore's leg. "I can't understand how that happened," Ms. Wolf barked, adding: "I guess they both have been neutered." Meanwhile, Algore asked the man he reveres as one of America's greatest presidents to give him a secret briefing on how to bury his bone. Algore's new campaign manager, Donna Brazile, leaped snarling from the pack as the closest approximation of an Alpha in the Algore campaign, cutting Ms. Wolf's monthly alphanumerics from $15,000 to $5,000.

NEW YORK -- Ah, those sensitive geriatrics from "60 Minutes." Asked why a former producer wrote a movie critical of the program, 60 Minutes Anchor Mike Malice answered: "Penis envy." Public health officials, ever on the alert for something to do, announced a multimillion-dollar study to determine whether black hair dye might cause brain damage.

DENTON, Texas -- The seventh-grade twerp who got a perfect grade for a perfectly illiterate, but violent, Halloween essay has been let out of the slammer after 10 days. Christopher Beamon was jailed after school officials in the Dallas-area town of Ponder decided Beamon's essay was a terroristic threat. For those of you who always wanted to know how William Faulkner would have written an essay as an illiterate, brain-damaged, drugged-out 13- year- old, here is the last sentence of little Christopher's masterpiece:
"We started to hear something after we got high so we ditched everything we quickly run to the door to see who it was and there wasn't anybody there then we heard someone at the back door to see who it was I thought it was a crook so I busted out with a 12 guage and Ismael busted out with 9 mm and we step off the porch and this bloody body droped down in front of us and scared us half to death and about 20 kids started cracking up and pissed me off so I shot Matt, Jake, and Ben started laughing so hard that I acssedently shot Mrs. Henry."
There are those of us who believe the teacher who graded his essay "100" should do some hard time.

CLEVELAND -- Good news! It appears that racism was eradicated in record time at Cleveland's South High School. Virtually all national news outlets reporting on a prepubescent plot by teenaged jerks to do violence in the school initially stressed that racism was a keystone to the supposed plot. By the next day, racism had gone the way of the buffalo.

PESSAC, France -- Lawyers for a 20-year-old hippopotamus said their client will use a "slob panic" defense to charges of killing Jean Duguin, the 62-year-old director of the Pessac Zoo. "We will produce witnesses who will testify that Mr. Duguin mistook Comir the hippo for Rosie O'Donnell, approached her and asked for her autograph," said Barrister Frogge, a Paris defense attorney.

NEWPORT, Rhode Island -- Navy officials said an aircraft carrier was being rushed to the search area for EgyptAir flight 990. "We need something large as a holding area for American lawyers, who otherwise will be circling the area and interfering with legitimate air traffic," a Navy spokesthing said.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Since Beta Male Algore is almost certainly a tree, couldn't Naomi Wolf just improve his bark?

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