November 15, 1999 -

HALYCON HOGGERY!

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Bill goes to the Hawgs; there's the NRA; the ALF; the ADA and unlocked triggers.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

YORK, Pennsylvania -- Inspired by the First Easy Rider, Harley- Davidson plans ground-breaking new lines of motorcycles. "President Clinton's visit to our plant rejuvenated our flaccid engineering and design staff," said Bigge Hogg, a Harley spokesspoke. Hogg said several new Harleys went into immediate design, including the Monica Hog ("it'll blow past anything on the road"), the Hillary Hog ("it'll shred the competition"), the Carville Hog ("it'll even lie on the straightaway"). A prototype SlickWillie Hog was quietly recalled after it consistently veered wildly to the left whenever it was close to the right lane. Clinton's Harley- Davidson stopover came while he was en route to Seattle for trade talks. The President touched on the subject in private talks with company executives. "If you guys ever want to trade for a real Hog, I can give you some leads," Clinton said, thumbing an address book.

ATLANTA -- President Clinton told a Democratic National Committee fund-raiser that he once was a lifetime member of the NRA and even had an NRA jacket. The chief executive of the NRA denied both allegations. Clinton Attack Lizard James Carville blamed the mix-up on Ken Starr. "Kin Stah leaked that story. Yoah Prez'dent didn't mean the National Rifle Association when he said NRA. He was tawkin' about the National Rapists Association," Carville said. Carville said Clinton had owned an NRA jacket -- from the National Rascals Association. "He axed a White House intern to take it out for cleaning and never saw it again," Carville said. Seeking to get some benefit from an NRA connection, Vice President Algore announced he was the inventor of a safety lock for the Intern Dorm at the White House.

BOSTON -- A lawsuit against America Online by a major organization representing blind people sparked a stampede on Mercedes and Rolls-Royce dealerships from middle-income ambulance chasers. "I missed the Big Tobacco lawsuit, but the Americans with Disabilities Act lawsuit against AOL gives me hope to achieve the Lawyer's American Dream, which is to sue everybody in sight under the ADA on behalf of some trendy class of victims," said Bottome Fiedere. Fiedere said he plans to sue topless bars under the ADA on behalf of the blind and also is mulling a no- class action against the toilet maker Kohler, on behalf of people who are incontinent. "I believe the one against the topless bars has the most possibility," Fiedere said, intoning: "Visually impaired people have for years been denied the pleasures of watching bouncing silicone. This lawsuit isn't just for the blind -- it's for America," Fiedere fulminated.

In Detroit, a small law firm announced plans to draw up an ADA lawsuit against Ford, General Motors and Daimler-Chrysler. "The big automobile companies advertise the wonders if their automobiles. It's time they were punished for not building cars and SUVs that blind people can operate," said Katt Fische, a former associate of Bottome Fiedere.

DALLAS -- It's likely that South Dallas' active set of armed robbers will mark the Ebony Salon off their preferred list -- so long as Keaka Taylor continues to twist hair there. Ms. Taylor was working on a customer's "do" when Christopher Henley, 17, and Jeffrey Sorrells, 18, strode in and manfully put a gun to the head of Ms. Taylor's 10-year-old daughter, then demanded money and purses. The punks swaggered away with Ms. Taylor's belongings. They lost their bravado when Ms. Taylor acquired a 12-gauge shotgun from a friend, chased them down and held them on their knees until police arrived. It is possible that Ms. Taylor will be the subject of protests, since the shotgun was not equipped with a trigger lock and her actions did not contribute to the self-esteem of Henley and Sorrells.

LONDON -- Ah, those tender and loving animal-rights nutballs. British producer Graham Hall has received his country's most prestigious awards for "Inside the ALF," a film exposing violence and criminality in Britain's Animal Liberation Front. ALFers kidnapped Hall and branded "ALF" on his back with a red-hot iron. ALF spokesvermin Pitte Vipre said Hall had it coming. "The man is an animal," Vipre said.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If President Clinton once was a lifetime member of the NRA, did he give himself a pardon, clemency, or just a trigger lock to get out?

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