November 29, 1999 -

TERRIFIC TURKEYOGRAPHY!

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What else, but turkeys? And another happy ending in Texas.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

CAMP DAVID -- Shrugging off the apparent conflict of interest, President Clinton gave the customary Thanksgiving pardon to a fat turkey before sitting down to a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. Two turkeys, Harry and Troy, were brought to the White House but only Harry, a snow-white bird, got a pardon. Bird genealogists said Harry is a Puerto Rican turkey and was chosen because of Hillary Rodham Clinton's kinda/sorta Senate candidacy in Puerto Rican- rich New York. Asked for comment, Harry said "gobble, gobble." Ms. Monica Lewinsky was not available for comment.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was able to keep himself from asserting that Harry's color was the reason for the pardon. "As President Clinton's premier spiritual adviser, I know that his heart is as black as mine," Jackson said. Jackson said he wishes Harry well in his new career at the Frying Pan Park in Herndon, Va. "Many people all over this great nation have remarked to me that there is nothing worse than a turkey with nothing productive to do," Jackson said.

COLLEGE STATION, Texas -- Advance operatives for America's favorite idiot say the Rev. Jackson will come to Texas A&M University to lead a demonstration against discriminatory bonfire tragedies. "The Reverend is deeply disturbed by the fact that not a single African-American was among the dead at A&M," said Brainne Losse, a vice president of Jackson's Operation PUSH. Losse said a massive march will be organized as quickly as charter buses can be arranged to move Jackson's rolling retinue of demonstrators from their present assignment in Decatur, Illinois.

NEW YORK -- President Clinton's spin team, on loan to the Egyptian government, said suspected suicide pilot Gameel el- Batouti was simply exercising his religious faith when he recited an Islamic prayer 14 times after he put EgyptAir Flight 990 into the Atlantic. "There ain't no way this man was doing anything wrong," said Clinton Attack Lizard James Carville, adding: "Like, nobody who has heard the tape says they heard him say, 'I never had sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky'."

FLORENCE, Italy -- Presidential sources said an unprecedented in- flight security alert for Air Force One came from a lovesick Monica Lewinsky wannabee. "Somebody is going to have to teach these young California girls not to use the b-word in relations with President Clinton," said Bigge Goone, a Secret Service agent, adding: "It's a little like saying `Hi, Jack' in an airport."

LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- Former Clinton private figure Gennifer Flowers tuned up for turkey day by suing two - James Carville and George Stephanopoulos - for libel and/or slander. The lawsuit against Carville is believed to be the first such ever filed by a former presidential mistress against a sub-human species.

WASHINGTON -- Vice President Algore called on supporters in the forest-products industry to try to explain a letter in which he described the U.S. military as fascist and totalitarian. Gore's letter, written before he served a short and cushy tour as a military journalist in Vietnam, said he "opposed with all the fiber of his being anything and everything having to do with the military." Algore backer Dutch Ellum said the entire letter was written in Algore's youth. "The word 'fiber' clearly refers to Algore's status as a young sapling at the time. Everybody knows that young trees have very little fiber, so his opposition to the military was minimal at best," Ellum elucidated. He noted that Algore is now a fully-grown Chinese Elm. "He understands that there must be a controlling arboreal authority," Ellum said.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Harry the Turkey was luckier than two Texas jailbirds who met the Merciful Needle. Desmond Jennings, 28, was executed for murdering two people in a Fort Worth crack house in a 1993 robbery that netted him 13 cents and some empty crack cocaine containers. And Jose Gutierrez, 39, finally ran out of lawyerly luck for the 1989 murder of Dorothy McNew, who was shot in the head because Jose and his brother, Jesse, wanted to rob a College Station store without her bothering them. Jose was the shooter but Jesse was executed five years earlier.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Today we deal with Bill Clinton's frantic search for a legacy. Can we agree that he will go down as the Fondling Father?

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