December 13, 1999 -

PHILHARMONIC PHILANDERING:

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Bill's back where the women are easy; Hill is adoptable; we got lawsuits (and lawsuits); there's Rosie; spies; and Diana.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas -- Some things just happen to truthfully happen, shedding unintended light on the First Fraud. Loyal Clintonistas in Little Rock paid $40 apiece to have breakfast with the President. And while waiting for Arkansas' most significant export to arrive, they were treated to music from the Philander Smith College choir (I am not making that up). Touched by the tribute, Mr. Clinton pledged to create an internship at his presidential library in honor of Philander and also will have a Philander Room there. Clinton told the Chamber of Commerce he looks forward to returning to Arkansas occasionally because of full- breasted Southern women. "As Bob Hope said, thanks for the mammaries," he said.

HAVANA -- Second Fraud Hillary Clinton announced she will solve the international crisis over a young Cuban boy by adopting him. "As everyone knows, I am a little Jewish, slightly Palestinian, formerly homeless, married to the first black President, a tad Puerto Rican and also descended from a yard guy in Illinois who smoked cigars from Havana," Mrs. Clinton said. She said she will bring the boy to New York to be nurtured among her closest associates. "Everyone knows that it takes a commune to raise a child," she said.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Clinton continued to take the low road in trying to make political points against New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's policies to get homeless criminals and bums off the streets. Mrs. Clinton pledged that the little Cuban boy will, if adopted by her, be furnished with his very own red dumpster and a Secret Service agent to push his grocery cart. Mrs. Clinton made the usual once-a-day bonehead move in promising to march in the St. Patrick's Day parade - which is boycotted by gays and lesbians. "As a bisexual Irishwoman, I am very conflicted on this," she explained.

WASHINGTON -- The Clinton administration plans to file a no-class action lawsuit against gun manufacturers - all on behalf of the three million people who live in public housing projects. The idea, patently illegal of course, is to sue because denizens of the projects are most likely to be near gunfire. The administration plans to follow the gun lawsuit with a sweeping suit against manufacturers of walkers and wheelchairs, on behalf of residents of nursing homes.

NASHVILLE -- Algore said a slight flare-up of irregular heartbeats by Bill Bradley is sufficient reason for Bradley to drop out of the presidential race. "The new millennium calls for a leader who doesn't suffer such maladies," Algore said, noting that he is immune to heart problems since he is a tree. Algore promised his personal surgeon will release his full medical records, including a heavily censored report on grafting problems he suffered as a Chinese elm.

WASHINGTON -- It seems Russia has lost its touch for spying. State Department security freaks said an electronic eavesdropping device planted in a "sensitive" seventh-floor room probably picked up nothing more than conversations on topics such as saving whales. Ms. Rosie O'Donnell said she plans to sue the Russians for invasion of privacy.

WASHINGTON -- Chief U.S. District Judge Norma Holloway Johnson, either the most corrupt or incompetent judge in the nation, got the Judicial Excellence Award from the D.C. Bar Association. Judge Johnson was honored primarily for her efforts to stymie Independent Counsel Ken Starr's investigation of President Clinton, with an oak-leaf cluster for assigning trials of accused Clinton officials to judges appointed by Yoah Prez'dent. "Judge Johnson stands shoulder-to-shoulder with Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno in our esteem," said Lanny Davis, a Clinton puke.

LONDON -- The manager of a Liverpool club where Paul McCartney will give a concert says Beatle fans have repeatedly offered him sex in exchange for a ticket. Since McCartney is 57 and his fans are of that general certain age, the manager has not succumbed to seduction.

MEMPHIS, Tennessee -- The family of the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. went into a crash marketing meeting after a Memphis jury held that Dr. King died as the result of a conspiracy. "The family could not be happier," said Bigge Buxx, a King family financial planner. Buxx said even the bare possibility of blaming the CIA for Dr. King's death is worth millions in movie rights alone. Buxx said the family is considering several conspiracy scenarios. "One I like a lot is that Dr. King was murdered as the result of a plot involving the FBI, CIA, USDA, Exxon and Bill Gates," Buxx said. Reminded that Gates was a child when King died, Buxx said, "Well, Yahoo! Maybe."

LONDON -- This one has something to irritate everybody. An art exposition in Liverpool features a statue portraying Princess Diana as the Virgin Mary. "Members of my organization resent portraying the horny Diana as a wealth-deficient virgin being led around on her ass," said Airre Hedde, president of Diana Lives!

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- The State of Texas enacted its 33rd happy ending of the year, executing James Beathard, 42, for his role in a 1984 shooting rampage that left three people dead.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: The national reporter types take any opportunity to impugn Gov. George W. Bush's intelligence. Should we recall that the two highest IQs in recent presidential history belonged to Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton?

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