December 27, 1999 -

REACTIONARY ROCKERISM!

---

Bill hardens on terror; Hill goes after the most evil of weed; ABC cleanses the cast; and the Postal Pests are shooting wattage.

---

Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- America's First Terrorist warned foreigners they will be taking great risks if there are any guerrilla attacks around New Year's Eve. "Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno has the Waco Reaction Force on standby," Clinton warned, adding: "And if that's not enough, I have Attack Lizard James Carville, Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Jackson, Lanny Davis, Hillary, Maureen Dowd, CNN and ABC News poised to strike at my command." The president counseled Americans to be vigilant but to continue their normal activities. Clinton sallied forth for Christmas shopping, eschewing the cowardly temptation to go on-line at www.kneepadsareus.com.

SANDWICH, Massachusetts -- Massachusetts state police blew up a package from Germany, fearing it was a mail bomb. A post- explosion check revealed they had blown up chocolates and a music box. And in other explosive developments, White House sources said Second Terrorist Hillary Rodham Clinton dispatched the White House bomb squad to detonate a box of cigars the President had purchased for White House interns. "I'm not having any more of this," Mrs. Clinton said, adding: "The last time we had these evil things in the White House one of them blew up in our President's face."

NEW YORK -- ABC News has escalated its campaign of ideological cleansing, lopping conservative Bill Kristol from its Sunday Morning Without David Brinkley babble show. Kristol's exile leaves George Will as the conservative balance to Kookie Roberts, Sam (Ironhair) Donaldson and Clinton castoff George (Steffiepoo) Stephanopoulos. "We believe the new lineup reflects America as it really is," said Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank, who added that Steffiepoo turns him on.

WASHINGTON -- The Postal Service braced for an all-out investigation by ABC News after announcing it plans to buy 500 right-hand drive electric cars to deliver mail in California and Washington, D.C. "We believe Bill Kristol and John Rocker might be behind this," said Dedde Lettre, an ABC political consultant. Colt Ruger, head of the Postal Service Shooting Squad, defended his people. "Vehicles with right-hand drive are necessary because most of our employees are right-handed and don't shoot well from regular automobiles."

ATLANTA -- The Sensitivity Community got a new lease on its tedious life from published comments by Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker, who managed to insult Asians, AIDS patients, homosexuals and the rainbow of racial minorities in an interview published by Sports Illustrated. Sources at ABC News said it is believed that Rocker plans to read Bill Kristol's column, as soon as he becomes able to do so. Braves' owner Ted Turner said he would deal sternly with Rocker. "One thing I hate is a young millionaire knothead," Turner said, appending, "I didn't become an idiot until I was a billionaire. The boy is pushing it."

WASHINGTON -- And in Washington, bean-ball specialist Joe Lockart evoked not a peep with a little hate speech about Yoah Prez'dent's very own religious group. The thought police became immutably mute when Lockhart, the First Bible Thumper's paid liar, said Southern Baptists are one of the organizations "that perpetuate ancient religious hatred." Even Clinton, who learned from the Monica Lewinsky scandal to have a Bible handy even when he's alone with an intern, said nothing about Lockhart's libel of 16 million Southern Baptists. Seeking relief from the rising PC rage against him, John Rocker applied for a job as Lockhart's understudy.

NEW YORK -- There's a glimmer of hope for O.J. yet. NBC announced it will reinstate Marv (Jaws) Albert as the lead voice on NBA broadcasts at the beginning of next basketball season. Industry sources said the convicted pervert has a big-bucks contract for biting commentary. "And the good part is endorsements," said Marion Mandible, an Albert operative, "Marv's expenses will be underwritten by Polident and his wardrobe will be furnished by Victoria's Secret." Albert said he had learned from the John Rocker episode. "I might bite and sexually molest a broad now and then, and I might be wearing a black garter belt, but I'll never say anything bad about minorities, foreigners or my fellow perverts."

PARIS -- The French are leading a move within the European Union to enable the EU to dispatch tens of thousands of troops to crisis zones. The French have been uniquely upset that America has had the lead in crisis management. French military and societal planners say the nexus of the armament push will be on ground forces. "We are very environmentally conscious and will avoid training paratroopers, so as to make no contribution to air pollution," said Anne Drogynouse, a French militarist/environmentalist.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Algore falls in the forest, will the Secret Service cut down everything in sight?

"From Cottonwood Cove" is syndicated by: