January 3, 2000 -

PUSILLANIMOUS PORKITUDE:

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She's B-A-A-A-C-K! And then there are Texas Hogs and Algore, too.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

NEW YORK -- Ah, Monica's back. When last I noticed America's most famous airhead, she was a puzzled pile of pork, trying hard to keep from nodding off during Baba Wahwah's painfully soulful comments in an ABC interview. But Miss Lewinsky is again among us, this time as the spokesvacuum for Jenny Craig, Inc., the diet dorks. Linell Killus, Jenny Craig vice president for marketing, managed to keep a straight face while describing the former Clinton plaything as representing "...a busy, active woman of today with a hectic lifestyle."The Monica/Jenny commercials will usher us into Y2K (Your Two Kneepads) on television, beginning Sunday. Miss Lewinsky said she believes the study required for starring in the commercials might launch her on yet another career - this time as the chief executive of a large and gullible nation. "Like I read somewhere that you are, you know, what you eat," she said.

Monica's next appearance on prime-time television will come Monday on the Larry King (Almost) Live Show on the Clinton News Network (CNN). Veteran King-watchers will be riveted to their sets to see if King can go an hour without mentioning President Clinton to Monica. Unlikely, you say? Well, he went an hour with the First Fondler without mentioning Monica.

BOSTON -- Miss Monica Lewinsky asked for an emergency meeting with publishers of the New England Journal of Medicine after hearing that people can lose weight simply by chewing gum. The former White House Shop-Vac initially demanded an apology over the Journal's previous report on caloric loss - which indicated that chewing by cows accounts for 20 percent of the calories they burn. "I, like, should have made them apologize at the time, but I was, like, you know, ruminating over the script the Big Creep, like, gave me to study for my, you know, testimony before the Impeachment thingamabob," she said. Beau Vihnne, an endocrinologist, assured Miss Lewinsky that the report was not meant to be personal.

Miss Lewinsky issued a brief statement about gum-chewing and weight loss. "Like this is neat, you know, and I kinda want to sort of work it into my Jenny Craig program. It will be, like, challenging because I have to do a lot of, you know, walking to lose weight." Asked for clarification, a Monica spokesthing said a personal trainer is working with the Clinton kneepadder to see if she can develop the skills necessary to walk and chew gum at the same time.

BALTIMORE -- There's probably no money in it for Linda Tripp, but the former Shop-Vac confidante has had a toes-through-nose makeover that has her looking downright stunning. Mrs. Tripp has dropped 40 pounds and hopes to lose another 20. White House sources say that even President Clinton is blown away, so to speak, by the New Tripp. "We counseled against it, but the President is so impressed that he has offered Mrs. Tripp a special White House Internship," said Skumm Spinner, a Clinton operative.

AUSTIN, Texas -- Super-liberal Austin is the Capital City of Texas for government and also serves as the Regional Headquarters for Environmental Humor. So Austin-watchers were not surprised when the city decided to rid itself of packs of marauding feral hogs by deciding the hogs would be killed with bows and arrows. The reason: shooting the wild beasts might make too much noise and disturb endangered birds. Miss Monica Lewinsky applauded the Austin policy. "I have, like, a Jenny Craig tour scheduled for Austin and I, like, am happy to know nobody will, like, shoot me," she said.

DES MOINES, Iowa -- Flexing his roots, Algore announced that the public now will be able to get "real-time" information about the quality of drinking water. As usual, Algore accompanied the historic announcement with a poignant tale of personal tragedy. "I was just spreading my limbs after inventing the Internet when a cousin, Oake Wilte Gore, was poisoned by polluted water in Texas," Algore said, adding: "We called in the best tree surgeons but Oakie was beyond help." An Algore spokesshrub said the campaign will issue a statement to explain how "real time" differs from "unreal time."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: The news includes a story in which Clinton aide Ann Lewis says the president will have "a broad agenda" for the last year of his presidency. Does this mean he hasn't learned anything?

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