January 24, 2000 -

JUVIE GESTICULATION!

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Michael was just a swinging kid with a club; Algore went to pot; there's the Stonewall Society;

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

GREENWICH, Connecticut -- Kennedyphiles are enraged over the charges filed against Michael Skakel, Ethel Kennedy's nephew, for bludgeoning to death a 15-year-old nearly 25 years ago on the lawn of her family home in Greenwich. "It is a long-established principle of American jurisprudence that a Kennedy male is to be given a free pass on at least one incidence of murder, drowning, rape or incidental abuse of a female," said Chappie Quiddick, a personal aide to Senator Ted Kennedy. Greenwich police, after collaboration with their counterparts in Boulder, Colorado, filed the charges against Skakel. Skakel, now a porky 39-year-old, was charged under the statutes applicable when he was a lean-and-mean teenager. That was when Martha Moxley, 15, was bludgeoned with a six-iron on the lawn of her family home. "Boys make mistakes," a Kennedy family spokesman said. "He should have used a seven." Miss Mary Jo Kopechne was not available for comment.

WASHINGTON -- Newsweek is at it again. An on-line site has a long interview with a Tennessee man who is somewhat chagrined that Newsweek pulled an excerpt of an Algore biography, featuring eyewitness accounts of Algore's regular and continued puffing of Mary Jane for a period of years. The story by DRCNet - which describes itself as a "central Internet resource for on-line drug reform activism" - would be more suspect had not Newsweek tried to cover up the original Monica Lewinsky story. An Algore lover from the drug culture says Gore is doing himself a disservice by using his clout to get Newsweek to hold the story. "I mean, like, Al could, like, use this, like, he could say he was, like, stoned out of his gourd when he called Clinton, like, one of the greatest Presidents, like, ever," said Algoreian Stoned Colder.

Algore feigned sympathy for Democratic challenger Bill Bradley's problems with stories about an occasional problem with a heart that beats too quickly. "Bill ought to smoke a joint and relax," Algore said. Meanwhile, the media hordes, which savaged George W. Bush for weeks over a no-source, no-evidence, made-up-from-whole cloth story of possible cocaine use, managed to ignore the Algore-as-pothead story.

COUNCIL BLUFFS, Iowa -- Family values guy Algore was all a'twitter when he joined the Iowa campaign after meeting with 20 gay leaders at his Washington home. "It's always energizing to meet with gays and lesbians to discuss a litmus test for the next militarist who will run the military services," Algore said, hooting: "I told them I'd have a joint and then decide who heads the Joint Chiefs of Staff, so to speak." The gay group Gore met with is the "National Stonewall Democratic Federation," a brainchild of Massachusetts homosexual Democratic Congressman Barney Frank. Frank declined to say whether the Stonewall Federation was named in honor of Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno's Clinton/Gore protective policies, or her sexual proclivities.

NALAKFLEET, Alaska -- Census Bureau Chieftain Kenneth Prewitt had to fend off White House interference to make a photo-op stop to do the first counting for the 2000 census. "It took us forever to convince President Clinton that counting heads was not a veiled reference to the Monica Lewinsky thingie," said Hedde Kounter, a Census Bureau operative.

LONDON -- It's just what the world needs. Premier Christian Radio has produced a website in which sinners may key in their sins and make their peace with God. All with complete confidence, of course. The site, called The Confessor, has no one on the other end of the sinner's typing and is not to be stored on a computer or transmitted over the Net. President Clinton is reported to be so interested in the site that he has ordered a special keyboard that will allow him to type when it is sitting on an intern's head. Miss Monica Lewinsky was not available for comment.

BUFFALO, New York -- Hillary Rodham Clinton said she has never been sexually unfaithful to her husband. Mrs. Clinton's supporters were giddy because the First Lady did not ask the interviewer to define "husband," "sexually," or "unfaithful." Mr. Vince Foster was not available for comment.

AMARILLO, Texas -- Unfortunately, almost every big American city has an African-American politician modeled after Al Lipscomb, a former California pimp who became a Dallas City Council member. Lipscomb is on trial in melanin-deprived Amarillo for taking bribes. The trial was interrupted Friday morning when Lipscomb collapsed on his way to court for closing arguments in his federal bribery trial. Lipscomb's lawyers said the councilman is elderly, at 74, and has been traumatized by the trial. "At the age of 74 years ... it's weighing on him very heavily," said one mouthpiece. Veteran Lipscomb watchers, however, believe it is possible that the Councilman got his Friday morning payoffs in quarters and collapsed under the weight. Lipscomb was a pioneer in racial reconciliation. In the late 1980s, he walked out on a large bill at a South Dallas bar/restaurant with the comment, "I don't pay white folks."

ALBUQUERQUE, New Mexico -- New Mexico's Supreme Court has held that the inability to speak or understand English is no reason to keep someone off a jury in New Mexico. Informed about the decision, semi-retired slasher Orenthal James Simpson was reported to be shopping for a home in Santa Fe and looking for the names of some spiffy blondes and a Swiss Army Knife. Asked for comment on the report, Simpson said, "No Hablo Ingles."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Algore is elected President, will the White House groundskeepers remove the signs reading: "Keep Off The Grass?"

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