February 7, 2000 -

OAK-LUH-HOME-UH!

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And AIDS in the rectory; and Monica;

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and more. Now, the details...

OKLAHOMA CITY -- Oklahoma, home of humorist Will Rogers, Happarently has lost its sense of humor to Political Correctness. Asked how he might best deal with Oklahoma's rambunctious teachers' unions, Gov. Frank Keating joked: "homicide." No one with half a brain suspected Keating was doing anything other than jesting, but the half-brainers pounced on the joke so diligently that Keating eventually issued a statement confirming he wasn't serious about shooting teachers. It is somewhat apparent that a head shot to some Oklahoma Democrats and teachers wouldn't be fatal.

KANSAS CITY -- A newspaper reports that Roman Catholic priests in the United States are dying from AIDS-related illnesses at a rate four times greater than that of the general population. Men of the cloth from every religious persuasion fell over laughing when a writer appeared on national television to say that 50 percent of all priests complained that they were not "taught about sexuality in seminary." A church spokesman refused to provide figures on the number of Oklahoma teachers who have become priests.

MIAMI -- Clinton administration intellectual Monica Lewinsky was perplexed when she read that one of Elian Gonzalez' grandmothers bit his tongue, then looked at his private parts. "I would have done it the other way," Monica said.

WASHINGTON -- President Clinton, straining to propose something lucrative if stupid, says he wants a 25-cent increase in the federal tax on cigarettes. And that's not the stupid part. Clinton also wants to fine tobacco companies if underage smoking doesn't go away. A spokesman for the Oklahoma Teachers' Union suggested one way to cut back on youth smoking might be to shoot the little bastards. Clinton also is considering heavy fines against the condom industry if there is no decrease in teen pregnancies. And a national group representing Catholic priests said priests seldom are trained in the use of condoms. "Holy is not always good," he lamented.

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas -- Arkansas is tightening regulations on smoking in restaurants, bringing them more into line with prisons, where it is already illegal to smoke. "Bill and Hillary are both violently against smoking and we don't want any second-hand smoke left around just in case they have an extended stay at a restaurant, or the Big House," said Percival P. Puffre, head of the Arkansas Smoke Squad.

PORTLAND, Oregon -- It appears that babble-show hostess Rosie O'Donnell is having delusions of adequacy. The porcine princess of pap has filed a lawsuit against KRSK-FM, claiming the station is appropriating her "famous and trademarked" first name by referring to itself as "Rosie 105." Station executives aver that the Rosie moniker honors Portland, which calls itself the Rose City. Meanwhile, the city porkers of Kewanee, Illinois are expecting to be sued by Ms. O'Donnell, since Kewanee bills itself as the "Hog Capital of the World."

O'Donnell's lawyers also are considering suing House Minority Leader Richard Gephardt, who earmarked $275 million for five F-15 fighters the Pentagon doesn't want just because they will be built in Gephardt's home district. Citizens Against Government Waste called Gephardt "February Porker of the Month" for his pork-barreling. "I certainly hope my friend Rosie doesn't hold the title against me," Gephardt whined.

LOS ANGELES -- Bill Bradley and Algore agree on a basic tenet of Family Values. They both say they support regular guy/gal kinds of marriages but oppose a California initiative that would define marriage as the union of a man and a woman. Democratic insiders agree that Bradley and Bore both are pandering to California's Kink Bloc, but say there are other reasons. "If adopted nationwide, the California definition might void the marriage of Mary Matalin and James Carville because there's no specific sanction for the wedding of a woman and a male lizard," said Larry Leepin, a longtime Carville bud.

COLUMBIA, South Carolina -- It's possible that an Oklahoma-educated man is covering the John McCain campaign for CBS Radio. A Thursday report from the CBS golden-throat said McCain made an appearance at a "pre Civil War antebellum mansion."

LAS VEGAS -- A health tip. People who feel a need to toss their cookies but don't want to stick their fingers down their throats might consider the "Truth Alerts" on Barbra Streisand's Web page. More alert than truthful, Babs uses Clintonesque language and tactics to deny anything unfavorable said about her. My personal favorite is the Truth Alert in which the California airhead denies a factual report by Las Vegas columnist Norm Clarke, who reported that employees at a Las Vegas hotel were advised to leap through a wall rather than look upon Ms. Streisand. One bellman watched Ms. Streisand's nose coming out of an elevator for 30 seconds, then inadvertently locked eyes with the diva.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Like Algore, we're tired of negative personal attacks. Why can't we have some positive personal attacks?

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