February 21, 2000 -

SUFFRIN' STAIRWELLERY!

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Racism is up on the down staircase; Algore closes in on Bill's achievement; The Prez is a big tipper; and then we get downright sensitive about insensitivity.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

TOW, Texas -- There is the scanty Cable TV report on the Rev. Al Sharpton's laughable simulation of another shameless fraud, the Rev. Jesse Jackson. It seems that a white female at a Cleveland school performed oral sex on young African-American men in the stairwell of a school and Sharpton did a Jesse, intoning from New York City that the black youths should not be disciplined in any way for their Presidential-style participation. "President Clinton is a role model for many young black men and they should not suffer discrimination for following his lead," Sharpton said. New York Senate candidate HILLARY! hinted that she would meet Sharpton to discuss the matter. "My stairwell, or yours?" she asked. Miss Monica Lewinsky was not available for comment.

Trying treefully to ape the Clinton political magic, Algore asserted that his record on interracial oral sex is one of total sensitivity. "President Clinton is believed by some to be America's first 'black president'," Algore said, "but he has never joined in song with a gay chorus and I have." Algore said he intends to become America's first black-bisexual President. On a related topic, Algore announced that he invented the stairwell.

ALBION, New York -- HILLARY! sources complain privately that Mrs. Whatshernamethisweek's problems with stiffing a waitress on her tip are the fault of her husband, BILL! "The Clintons have been married forever, and Bill always tells her, `Don't worry, honey, I'll take care of the waitress,'" said Terwiliger T. Turgid, a former presidential aide. White House Social Services Expert Monica Lewinsky said the President is not "like, you know, a really big tipper, but he, like, thinks he, kinda is, if you, like, know what I, like, mean." Mrs. Algore said the brouhaha is a conservative attempt to discredit her. "All this crap about 'Tipper' this and `Tipper' that makes me sick. Is this a blonde joke?"

PARIS -- Secretary of State Madeleine Halfbright is reported ready to clean house on some insensitive Albanians. It seems that Albanian peace negotiators mistook Ms. Halfbright for a cleaning lady when she showed up at their delegation's room at midnight. Even worse, the Albanians didn't leave a tip.

WASHINGTON -- National Review says Bill Clinton's spending dispositions could get rid of Bill Gates' total fortune in 240 seconds. Asked for comment, Clinton said, "I've got a few minutes." For the children, no doubt...

SEATTLE, Washington -- Microsoftie Bill Gates ordered a half- billion dollars worth of attack ads against Sen. John McCain, but pulled back when he realized that McCain had made remarks about "gooks," not "geeks." Gates said he doesn't know McCain personally but has listened to tape recordings of his torture at the hands of North Vietnamese. "We use the tapes to measure the emotional depth of focus-group responses to Microsoft error messages," Gates said.

WASHINGTON -- Might we suggest a little time in the Sensitivity Penalty Box for E.R. Shipp, ombudsman of the Washington Post. Miss Shipp asserts that readers of the Post often conclude it is a "lefty rag." Now that's more correct than insensitive, but Miss Shipp goes on to say: "I think people are more conservative who contact me by e-mail. They appear to be male, and from some of the issues they raise, they appear to be white." Move over, John Rocker. It "appears" that Miss Shipp is warming up in the bullpen.

ASPEN, Colorado -- I never realized Jerry Lewis and I had anything in common. Lewis, 73, indicated to a session of the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival that he found Lucille Ball about as funny as hemorrhoids on a ski lift. Lewis and I parted when he said he doesn't like any female comedians. There's always Carol Burnett. Lewis's politically incorrect remarks will get him into mega-trouble, of course. Possibly the black marking will spill over to comedian Martin Vertically Challenged (aka: "Short"), who moderated the session. I confess I never have viewed Jerry as any funnier than Lucille Ball.

EL PASO, Texas -- We can conclude they aren't diluting the tequila in New Mexico and that the flow of marijuana and cocaine continues. That is obvious from the remarks of Charles Truxillo, a professor at the University of New Mexico Chicano Studies in Albuquerque, who foresees "a new nation spanning across the southwest border with Mexicans and Americans of Mexican descent serving as its founders." Mr. Truxillo believes "Republica del Norte," or Republic of the North, will span from California to Louisiana, taking in several Mexican provinces on the way to an end at Louisiana. Remedial thinking experts cautiously opined that Professor Truxillo might cut back on intoxicants and do a little reading on the Civil War. He probably missed it in Chicano studies, since Mexico wasn't a key player.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Would Hillary and her fellow lefties tip better if the taxpayers funded all gratuities?

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