February 28, 2000 -

WHO WANTS TO?

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Almost everybody. And then we've got Betty Lou; the 20,000-mile-high club and the Clinton Follies continue.

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Now, the details...

NEW YORK -- Fox Network canceled a rebroadcast of its hugely successful "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire" show upon receiving reports that the bridegroom once was accused of whipping up on a girlfriend. Then the bride went on the network babble shows to say she asked a female friend to sleep with her on the honeymoon night. The shunned fellow denied the brutality accusation but is reported weighing offers to play in the National Football League.

Meanwhile, the "Who Wants To" show threatened to spawn a plethora of copycats. CBS is reviewing a male-oriented show to be known as "Who Wants to Marry a Rich Nymphomaniac." An alternative lifestyle channel plans "Who Wants to Marry a Wealthy Homosexual" and a local cable channel in Little Rock, Arkansas is making plans for "Who Wants to Marry a First Cousin who Has a New Doublewide Mobile Home." A Senior Citizens network plans to take another tack with "Who Wants to Divorce Elizabeth Taylor."

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Betty Lou Beets, the centerfold for a Death Penalty edition of Playboy, breathed her last at age 62, some 17 years after she murdered her fifth husband and buried his body under the wishing well and flower garden in her backyard. The homicidal great-grandmother killed two husbands and shot a third. Despite that, she drew the tearful support of capital-punishment opponents, who took Betty Lou's word that she remembered recently that she killed her husbands because they abused her. Betty Lou spent her last morning visiting with friends and family and had a session with the prison chaplain in the afternoon. Prison officials dug up all potted plants in the chapel after the chaplain was reported missing.

CAPE CANAVERAL -- Writer Pierre Kohler claims that American astronauts had sex on the space shuttle as part of a NASA experiment to determine the best positions for zero-gravity intercourse. The revelation sent Clinton-era intellectual Monica Lewinsky in quest for a presidential appointment to the next mission. "The Big Creep himself said I was a natural space cadet," Monica said. Monica's mission will be underwritten by Sears as a promotion for its Shop-Vac.

BANGOR, Maine -- Clinton-era sexually transmitted disease specialist Monica Lewinsky applauded an administration plan to significantly expand federal benefits to patients with the AIDS virus. The program is proceeding as an experiment in Maine. "I think, it's, like, cool," Ms. Lewinsky said, adding, "I think they, like, say, `As Maine blows, so blows the nation'."

CHICAGO -- Everyone's favorite lamebrain, the Rev. Jesse Jackson, submitted to a test for the HIV virus and called for President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton and all presidential candidates to do the same. A spokesman for Algore said the vice president would submit to a test as soon as one is developed for vegetables. In a related development, Jackson declined to undergo a brain scan.

NEW YORK -- Like husband, like wife. The New Dork Times reports that Hillary has trouble with women. In his case, they like him. In her case, they don't. Polls indicate that the Senate candidate known as HILLARY! is now in a statistical tie for the favor of New York women voters. Gone is the overwhelming sympathy ooze she had when she stood by her husband in the Shop-Vac follies. Ever supportive, President Clinton immediately plunged into the intern pool for a new Shop-Vac. Spurgeon Spinner, a Clinton planner, said: "We're on a tight schedule if we're going to restore Hillary as a sympathy icon. First we have to find a woman for the President not to have sexual relations with and a federal court where he can lie about it. And the evil sex-crazed Republicans could doom the project if they don't impeach him."

NEW YORK -- First Shredder Hillary Clinton issued a statement from her Senate campaign headquarters calling for New Yorkers to get along with one another after four white police officers were found not guilty in the shooting death of a black immigrant. The author of Mrs. Clinton's thought, Los Angeles millionaire Rodney King, was not available for comment.

WASHINGTON -- Headline of the week comes from the "Politics Live" Web page. "STARR SAYS CLINTON SHOULD HAVE COME CLEAN." Yep, that would have taken Monica's blue dress out of play.

WASHINGTON -- Federal investigators reportedly concluded that John F. Kennedy Jr. was the cause of the tragic July 16 crash that killed him, his wife and her sister. The feds won't confirm the conclusions publicly, but JFK Jr's sister, Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg, supposedly has offered $10 million to the family of the late Bessette sisters to avoid a public lawsuit. Sources say Uncle Ted Kennedy is playing hardball to force a settlement, threatening to drive the surviving Bessette family members around Chappaquiddick if they don't come to terms soon.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If you do contract planning for a company that makes Porta-Potties, are you an out-house consultant?

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