March 6, 2000 -

LUGUBRIOUS LOCKUPS!

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We've got Lip Locks; Nipple Locks; Trigger Locks; everything but Lox Locks.

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For a Lock on the whole deal, read on...

PALO ALTO, California -- The First Perjurer conjured up his standard response to any gun tragedy, hinting that the National Rifle Association caused a 6-year-old boy to murder a first-grade classmate. Clinton purports to believe that a trigger lock on a stolen gun might have averted the tragedy. The NRA is expected to counter with a proposal for federally mandated Lip Locks on prevaricating Presidents and White House interns.

NEW YORK -- The weekend reveals substantial reasons for Republicans to vote for George W. Bush and Democrats to pick former Sen. Bill Bradley. The mightily muddled New Dork Times has endorsed Sen. John (Crash Plane) McCain and VP (No Controlling Legal Authority) Algore in the presidential races. The Times even set its talented psychotic columnist, Maureen Dowd, on Bush again. Dowd reports that Bush doesn't know how to cure breast cancer. Meanwhile, back in Washington, sources close to the First Fondler said President Clinton plans to announce that the National Rifle Association is a major cause of breast cancer. Clinton will call for a federal law requiring Nipple Locks.

PHOENIX, Arizona -- Planners for Sen. John (Crash Plane) McCain spent the weekend trying to put the wheels back on the Straight Talk Express after McCain became something of a laughingstock for labeling two fundamentalist Christian pastors as "forces of evil." McCain said he has a natural kinship, however, with the Rev. Jerry Falwell. "After four successful airplane crashes, it's not in me to hold a grudge against an evil man whose name is pronounced `fall well'," McCain said. However, strategist Middul Muddel said one of McCain's first acts as President will be to add Jesus Locks to his campaign-finance package.

BOSTON -- Sen. John McCain has a Leftie Lock only in Massachusetts. McCain handlers rejected a suggestion that McCain's campaign bus be renamed The McGovern Express.

FALLS CHURCH, Virginia -- The Airhead Express, maybe? Clinton groping victim Kathleen Willey was seen waving a John McCain placard at a Virginia rally. Mrs. Willey had a fainting spell after an evildoer clamped a Blade Lock on the ear-mounted electric fan that keeps her brain alive.

LOS ANGELES -- Is this a chicken joke? Internet columnist Matt Drudge scrambled a supposed expose by MSNBC reporter Jeannette Walls, who planned to report that Drudge has a sexual orientation toward nude males smeared with eggs. Drudge put the Walls story over well on his Web site, even quoting tape-recorded conversations between Walls and third parties about her tales of Drudge and kinky cholesterol. President Clinton took Walls' side, calling for mandatory hen hasps. Walls angrily denied she was out to smear Drudge. "The whole story is an egg plant," Walls said. Meanwhile, Drudge is practicing a television response, in which he will shake his finger at the camera and intone, "I did not have sexual relations with Henny Penny." Maybe it's all just a bad yolk.

WASHINGTON -- In a scant indication that there might indeed be a Controlling Legal Authority, a federal jury convicted Algore fund-raiser Maria Hsia on five felony counts involving more than $100,000 in illegal bucks for Democrats in the 1996 presidential campaign. Algore said the problem is attributable to right-wingers who oppose Scum Locks on campaign contributions.

KISSIMMEE, Florida -- The National Felons League reacted with rage when an arbitrator whacked the ridiculous sanctions against Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker. "This is unfair. We have numerous people in the NFL who are facing charges of rape, murder and drug violations while Rocker gets a slap on the wrist for more politically incorrect violations," said Orenthal Jay Slasher of the NFL. He added: "It is a sad day in America when a man is only fined $500 and suspended for a few games after he criticizes minorities, gays and foreigners." President Clinton is considering an executive order requiring that Rocker wear an Arm Lock for the rest of his pitching career.

WILKINSBURG, Pennsylvania -- Supporters of Ronald Taylor, a black man accused of murdering three melanin-impaired men simply because of their whiteness, called for Taylor to receive equal treatment with pitcher John Rocker. "It's not like Mr. Taylor said ugly things about lesbians, minorities or drug dealers," said Justice for Ron President Wrace Isst. In a stunning development, Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno allowed the FBI to investigate possible hate-crime aspects of Taylor's murder rampage. "Ms. Reno believes the Taylor case illustrates the urgency for a federal law putting Dreadlock Locks on criminals with dreadlocks," a Reno mouthpiece said. Told that Mr. Taylor is skinheaded, he/she/it said, "Whatever."

CHAPPAQUA, New York -- Orders are reported light for a piece of Clintonabilia being offered for sale on the Web site for Hillary Clinton's Senate campaign. The item is the Hillary Mouse, but computer users report the Hillary Mouse shreds a computer's recycle bin and throws lamps if a Bill Mouse is connected to a nearby computer. "The Hillary Mouse also seems to deceive the user as to where file folders are located," said Norris N. Nerde, a mouse tester. Nerde said the Hillary Mouse also has a Lock on the right button - apparently because of a problem with a Great Right Click Conspiracy.

NEW YORK -- A cable channel last week aired an interview with an African-American leader who called for reparations for black people in America. Only minutes earlier, the news channel carried a report on floods/starvation/privation and sickness in Africa. Maybe fairness would indicate America should compensate the Africans who didn't get sold into slavery in the greatest country of world history. A Reparations Lock, maybe...

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Where would Roy Rogers have been if he had had a Trigger Lock?

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