March 13, 2000 -

FELICITOUS FORGIVING!

---

Everybody's doing it.

VATICAN CITY -- Pope John Paul asked forgiveness for past sins of The Roman Catholic Church. Algore said he forgives the Pontiff's late foray into forgiveness. Algore said he invented forgiveness when he forgave Buddhists and Chinese for flooding the Clinton/Gore campaign with illegal campaign money. He said he also invented Catholicism and was the model for the character "Moses" in a Charlton Heston movie.

President Clinton also was in a forgiving mood, saying he is considering granting absolution to Paula Jones for storming into his motel room and trying to sexually molest him. Clinton is considering an Executive Forgiveness Order that would wipe away the guilt of every member of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy which plotted to plant Shop-Vac Monica Lewinsky in the White House.

Puerto Rican terrorists announced that a secret ballot resulted in a decision to forgive President Clinton for pardoning them.

Superwoman Martha Stewart issued a blanket fix-up order for everyone who can't cook the perfect cake while remodeling and redecorating the kitchen and potty training the dog simultaneously.

Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno caught the forgiving fever and is putting together a pardon panel of top Justice Department people to write a report forgiving Ken Starr for trying to be an Independent Counsel. Reno said she has charity for the Justice Department lawyers who incorrectly advised her that special prosecutors should be appointed to investigate Clinton/Gore campaign-law violations. "Sometimes I think Martha Stewart and I are the only ones who understand bricks and mortar," Ms. Reno sighed. While denying criminal, sexual or civil liability, Albert the Alligator apologized for Clinton Attack Lizard James Carville and promised to wear a condom the next time.

Texas nutcase billionaire Ross Perot said he forgives everyone who didn't try to sabotage his daughter's wedding - so long as his name isn't Bush. Sen. John McCain joined Perot in equanimity, saying he has forgiveness in his heart for anyone who didn't vote for him in Republican primaries, so long as they didn't vote for anyone named Bush.

Laura Bush, a well-spoken librarian, said she will forgive Dubya for commenting that Taiwan has a "right to protect theirself" from China and a poll indicated 55 percent of Texans might forgive Gov. Bush for redundancy in referring to the "Rio Grande River," since "rio" is the Spanish word for "river."

China apologized for not invading Taiwan years ago and pre-announced forgiveness for the Taiwanese for any radiation deaths that might occur when the Chinese Forgiveness Force moves in.

New York racist firebrand Al Sharpton said he is forgiving of Algore and Hillary for their disrespectfully shallow genuflecting when they came calling. Rev. Jesse Jackson called on all people of good will to forgive Sharpton's hairdo - and that of boxing overlord Don King as well.

Welfare overlord Donna Shalala announced she has charity in her heart for Sylvester Stallone's towering over her at a reception - since it wasn't by much.

Big Tobacco made a joint announcement of forbearance for the nation's smokers. "We don't believe these people intended to cause us so much trouble when they became unheathfully addicted to our product," a spokespuffer said.

Shop-Vac Monica Lewinsky asked for public forgiveness for her book, promising that she intends to read it herself as soon as she loses a little weight. A spokesthing for Porky Valley Girls of America said the organization is considering forgiveness for Ms. Lewinsky but that no final decision has been made.

And in Trenton, New Jersey, a State Police spokesman said nothing can be done in the case of video recordings which led to exoneration of 40 officers who had been accused of misconduct, usually in cases asserting they made racially motivated traffic stops. "We would like to join the parade, but the video cameras are, well, unforgiving," said a hard-jawed cop.

NEW YORK -- Building an early lead as America's most shameless hustler of Y2K, Rev. Jesse Jackson led a voter-registration protest at the vestibule where immigrant Amadou Diallo was killed in a hail of police gunfire. "[The officers] were armed, nervous and racial-profiling. That's not right," said Jackson. "It's undemocratic and immoral. We must do something about it." Presumably Jackson's statement is a call for New York police officers to be unarmed, tranquilized and generally profiling. Jackson had some useful advice for people who might find themselves in such situations in the future. "Amadou Diallo was killed when he reached for his wallet, which the police said they mistook for a gun. I would never do that," Jackson said, "I always reach for somebody else's wallet."

WASHINGTON -- The Census Bureau has stumbled upon the perfect solution to all affirmative-action questions, announcing that millions of Americans can become minorities in the 2000 census. The census will allow people to check more than one category under "race." A bureau mouthpiece says anyone who is "white and anything else" will be allocated to the "else" side. Golf superstar Tiger Woods is expected to qualify for one representative in the House.

CHICAGO -- Algore asserted himself as the Poster Tree for Campaign-Finance Reform, saying he has "learned from his mistakes" while the evil George W. Bush has not. Bush operatives scrambled to find some Red Chinese to donate a few million to the governor so he can match Algore in experience. Buoyed by the success of his con, Algore plans to pick up additional support by naming President Clinton Secretary of Rectitude in the Gore administration.

NORWALK, Connecticut -- Debra Smith, 27, was arrested and charged with risking injury to a minor. Mrs. Smith gave her sons, aged 5 and 7, a hammer and a screwdriver so they could protect themselves from bullies at Wolfpit Elementary School. An administration insider said, "President Clinton will call for child-safety locks on drivers and hammers." Reminded that a "screwdriver" was involved, the insider said, "Ah, you know Bill would never ban that part of the word." Martha Stewart called for Ms. Smith to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: In the spirit of forgiveness, would you pardon me if I give it up for Lent?

"From Cottonwood Cove" is syndicated by: