March 20, 2000 -

ROCKER 'EM!

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Kissimmee is in a heap of trouble; Algore might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer; and John don't get no respect.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

KISSIMMEE, Florida -- Bad times are a'coming for Kissimmee, Florida. Kissimmee kissed off any adoration of the Politically Correct set when Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker got a standing ovation from the crowd of more than 10,000 on hand for Rocker's first post-brouhaha appearance in a game. Rocker's 95 mile an hour fastball saved a victory in an exhibition game against the Detroit Tigers. It was not known if any of the three Tigers who went down in a row were welfare moms on drugs, homosexuals or prickly minorities.

WASHINGTON -- The left-leaning Washington Post departed from policy, publishing a story indicating that Algore in his school days wasn't exactly the kind of student who might some day invent the Internet or discover Love Canal. The Post scanned Algore's grades at St. Albans and Harvard and came up with a portrait of an erratic underachiever who avoided science and technology courses in favor of working on his pool game and smoking a little dope. Of Algore, the Posties wrote: "His generally middling college grades at Harvard in fact bear a close resemblance to the corresponding Yale marks of his presidential opponent, George W. Bush, whose studiousness and brainpower have been more open to question during this campaign." You don't have to be a nascent inventor of the Internet to know that Bush's brainpower is called into question, while Algore's isn't, because Algore's politics agree with the thinking of most Washington reporters. "Left" is lucid; "right" is ridiculous.

The award for Killer Line of the Month goes to Bush, for an e-mail he sent to Algore: "Thank you for your e-mail. This Internet of yours is a wonderful invention,'' Bush wrote. Gore is reported hard at work on a speech denouncing Bush's insouciance and stressing that he invented e-mail.

NEW YORK -- New Dork Times columnist Gail Collins leaped to an early lead in competition for Journalistic Idiot of the Year with a column whose theme was "Thank God for Janet Reno." The Almighty was not available for comment.

PHOENIX, Arizona -- America's newest victim icon, Sen. John McCain, is still in a snit because George W. Bush hasn't yet acknowledged that McCain won their political contests. Even worse, Bush hasn't changed his core messages to conform with McCain's thoughts. McCainiacs see the entire Bush response as "disrespectful." McCain is reported to be in a mood to punish voters in several states for their callous misbehavior in rejecting his candidacy. "I'm like Don Quixote, coming off the windmill star. They're after me. The guys and gals on the Straight Talk Express love me, but the voters went for Bush. What's wrong with these people?" McCain fumed.

MONTPELIER, Vermont -- As Vermont goes, so goes, what? San Francisco, maybe. Vermont has become the first state to extend the benefits of marriage - other than unplanned pregnancy - to gay and lesbian couples. Vermonters stopped short of calling boy-boy and gal-gal couplings "marriages," finessing a probable national backlash. Honeymoon hot tubs in Vermont will be for those who have gone through a "civil union." In other news, Democratic Gov. Howard Dean is expected to sign the bill, then embark on crusades to create a Vermont memorial to Boy George and to declare Rock Hudson a de facto member of the Green Mountain Boys.

SYDNEY, Australia -- Australia is becoming a bit Americanized - if New York City and Washington, D.C. represent America. New York and Washington have the toughest gun-control laws in the nation and the highest rates of gun crime. Australia now has 12 months experience with a draconian gun-control regimen (640,381 personal firearms surrendered and destroyed in a $500 million government program) and the returns are downright NYC-DC. Homicides are up 3.2 percent; assaults up 8.6 percent; armed robberies up 44 percent and homicides with firearms up hugely as well. Algore links the crime increase with the most lawless areas of Australia, known as the "bush." Sen. John McCain said the down-under crime rate reinforces the need for new campaign finance laws.

MOUNT NEBO, Jordan -- Gun-control advocates are enraged over reports that Pope John Paul II will go to the trail of Moses for a view of the Promised Land from a peak overlooking the Dead Sea and hills of Jerusalem. "Everyone knows that people who watch movies equate Moses with Charlton Heston, the president of the National Rifle Association," said Haer Triggur, president of an anti-gun group. "This is the same as the Holy Father endorsing shooting children in schools," Triggur said. Triggur said he would press for an investigation to ensure John Paul's security force is not armed. "We have had disquieting reports that some of the Pope's protectors are armed and that their weapons don't have trigger locks," he flamed.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Ponchai Wilkerson, 28, had a bad last day. First, he had to be Maced to get him out of a prison cell, then he struggled with prison guards taking him from the holding cell near the Texas death chamber. Worst of all, Ponchai spat out a handcuff key when the lethal drugs ended his sorry life. Convict religion theorists believe Ponchai had hoped to take the handcuff key to the next life, just in case Hell has an inmate-restraint policy. Ponchai murdered Chung Myong Yi, 43, in a Houston jewelry-store robbery. In the slammer, he escaped from death row once and was one of two inmates who took a female guard hostage for several hours. Death-penalty opponents are expected to demand that any Mace canisters used by Texas prison guards be equipped with trigger locks and that all handcuff keys be edible to protect inmates from choking.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Is it possible that Australia's gun laws are the reason Crocodile Dundee carries that monster knife?

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