March 27, 2000 -

DOC-A-LOCK AGAIN!

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And there's the Bob Dole Viagra dose for McCain; Rev. Falwell has a plan; and there's Reagan's Alzheimer's disease.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

TOW, Texas -- Please don't pass this along to Bill, Hill or Al. A friend tells me there are 700,000 physicians in the United States and that physicians are credited with 120,000 accidental deaths each year. That's 0.171 accidental deaths per physician. There are 80 million gun owners and 1,500 accidental gun deaths a year - or .0000188 accidental death per gun owner. If the Clintons or Algore learn about these figures, we'll have mandatory doc-locks, since physicians obviously are more dangerous than gun owners.

WASHINGTON -- Viagra salesman Bob Dole is trying to broker a peace between Gov. George W. Bush and Sen. John McCain. Sources say Dole's secret weapon is a specially developed combination of Viagra and a herbal supplement, which he plans to slip into McCain's coffee. "It's called Ginkgo Viagra. Maybe it will help John remember what the f--- he's doing," Dole says. Courage.

LYNCHBURG, Virginia -- Uh, oh. Get some earplugs to ward off the sounds from the "Good People" when they begin howling about a plan by the Rev. Jerry Falwell to register 10 million new Christian voters. There is no federally approved definition of "Good People" but a thumbnail sketch of one would depict someone who believes illegal aliens should be counted in the 2000 Census and allowed to vote, but Christian conservatives should not. Falwell is forming People of Faith 2000 and will call upon ministers to shepherd their flocks to register and vote.

"This obviously is a violation of the separation of Church and State," howled Agg Knostic, a Clinton Administration religion expert. However, Knostic said, the Bible obviously wanted African-American ministers to endorse Algore from the pulpit. "The Bible is shot through with references to trees," Knostic said, adding: "You could look it up." Knostic said Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno accepts Sen. John McCain's belief that the word "falwell" is an ancient Hebrew term that translates to "racist homophobic oppressive hate-mongerer who does unspeakable things to small animals." He added: "We're going to crucify Falwell. For the children, of course."

LOS ANGELES -- Former President Ronald Reagan's Alzheimer's disease has seriously degraded his ability to remember. "His recall capability has diminished to the point at which he can remember only slightly more than a Clinton Administration official subpoenaed to testify before a Congressional Committee," said a source. Clintonistas said Reagan's memory has not yet deteriorated sufficiently to qualify him for a fund-raising job. "He's close on memory, but we have serious doubts that his physical condition would allow him to flee the country if we needed to get him out of town," said presidential prevaricator in chief Joe Lockhart. A Reagan family member agreed. "His recall now approximates that of Hillary Clinton testifying before a grand jury."

BEIJING -- Senior Chinese diplomats have warned President Clinton of dire consequences if he allows Taiwan's newly elected leader to visit the United States. "We have a substantial investment in the President. If he double-crosses China, China will immediately halt all purchases of capitalist running-dog nuclear-weapons secrets," said Minnie Chins. Asked for comment, Algore said he only knows of the sale of a few nuclear secrets under President Clinton's Atomic Outreach Initiative. "Besides, I invented the neutron bomb and the Chinese should keep that in mind," Algore said.

NEW YORK -- There are disquieting reports about Monica. It seems the former White House Shop Vac has gained a serious amount of weight since becoming a front-vac for Jenny Craig's diet food. Despite her problems, Ms. Lewinsky continues to believe she has a chance to get back together with the Big Creep. She says she heard President Clinton singing improvised lyrics to an old Bobby Darrin hit song, Dream Lover. "He was saying, `Dream Blubber, Where are You..."

HYDERABAD, India -- Spiffing up for Spiff Willie's visit, the administration of Hyderabad did a police sweep for beggars, rounding up thousands of them. Indian officials said the beggars would be relocated to a city hundreds of miles away. Clinton administration insiders said some might be flown to overpasses and hobo camps in the U.S.A. so they can be counted in the 2000 Census.

RANTHAMBORE NATIONAL PARK, India -- Your President hasn't lost his sense of humor. Surrounded by monkeys while touring an ancient fort, he realized the moneys were attracted to him because they wanted to eat the garland of flowers around his neck. "Once I was deflowered, they didn't pay attention to me,'' Clinton said. "I know the feeling," said Ms. Monica Lewinsky, contacted at a pizza joint. White House aides denied that the President addressed the most aggressive monkey as "James Carville."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Accepting that good help is expensive and hard to find, why is so easy to get affordable supervision?

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