April 3, 2000 -

CLEAVING & LEAVING:

---

Britain has its day; Kermit and his friends have theirs; and then there's Gov. Thumbs and Sammy The Bull.

---

Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

LONDON -- Ah, those wild and crazy Brits! Merry Olde England celebrated National Cleavage Day while the Politically Correct denizens of England's former colony looked on in dismay. The Brits were honoring the fact that the National Feminine Chest Size has supposedly increased. Not to be outdone, America put on a dazzling array of her ever-expanding set of boobs, beginning, of course, with Your President. The First Felon simpered soulfully to his adoring court jesters (sometimes known as the Washington Press Corps) that he hopes the family keeping Cuban refugee Elian Gonzalez obeys "the rule of law" and hands over Young Elian without forcing Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno to Waco-ize Miami. Then Clinton segued to his general disregard for the rule of law, stating that he didn't obey a court order from a federal court because he didn't think he had to.

It was not possible to know whether Tippi Hedren, Melanie Griffith, Bo Derek and Kermit the Frog were taking part in National Cleavage Day or Washington's own boobfest. The latter is likely because they were invited by California Democratic Congressman Tom Lantos to testify on his "Shambala Wild Animal Protection Act of 2000." Lantos' bill seeks to deal with the problem of exotic animals in the wrong hands. Kermit the Frog says he was sexually molested by Miss Piggy, who was wearing a Monica Lewinsky mask, and all three actresses asserted they have been pawed and mauled by wild animals. President Clinton said any comment would have to come from his lawyer.

SILVER SPRING, Maryland -- Maryland Gov. Parris N. Glendening leaped out to a commanding lead in the spirited competition for Gun-Control Boob of the Year when he couldn't remove a gun lock from a .40-caliber Glock while the cameras rolled and the audience howled with laughter. Glendening had called a news conference to demonstrate that no one would be discomfited by his proposal that Maryland become the first state to require built-in locks on guns. Told that the National Rifle Association plans a television commercial about his problems with the Glock lock, Glendening said he would wear the NRA's scorn as a "badge of honor." He declined further comment, saying he was late for his class on Using a Screwdriver.

We are reminded of the wisdom of former Mafia hitman Sammy (The Bull) Gravano. Commenting on gun control, Sammy said: "It's the best thing you can do for crooks and gangsters...If I'm a bad guy, I'm always gonna have a gun. Safety locks? You will pull the trigger with a lock on, and I'll pull the trigger. We'll see who wins."

ATLANTA -- Still running away for Boob Panderer of the Year, Algore held a photo op with black college students in Atlanta and said, "These students are from Morehouse and Spelman...the greatest colleges in the world." Algore defenders were quick to point out that he attended Harvard just after he invented the electric dimbulb and hadn't really paid attention while there.

ANN ARBOR, Michigan -- Possibly seeking to win Algore's approval as a Great Boob University, the University of Michigan will offer a class in the fall on "How to Be Gay: Male Homosexuality and Initiation." The course description for fall 2000 states: "Just because you happen to be a gay man doesn't mean that you don't have to learn how to become one." We're waiting for the professor, David M. Halperin, to explain that - and to clear up our muddle. It seems that we have heard the Politically Correct people telling us for years that homosexuality is a natural state - not a learned conduct.

SAN FRANCISCO -- There was $20 million for being a boob to Leslie Whiteley, who became the first Post-Cigarette-Warning-Labels smoker to win a case against the tobacco industry. Warnings on cigarette packages went up in 1969; Whiteley began smoking in 1972. Now 40, she says she doesn't expect to live long enough to benefit from her windfall - if the verdict survives the appeals process. The California jurors discounted tobacco industry arguments that Whiteley's prior use of marijuana had been an important factor leading to her cancer diagnosis.

WASHINGTON -- A stream of sexist illegal aliens queued up at East Coast airports after the Supreme Court declined to overturn portions of the 1996 welfare law that took welfare benefits away from those in the country illegally. "Maybe I can get to London in time for National Cleavage Day. I hope it's still going after I get my British welfare benefits set up," said Jose Canusee, ogling a portrait of Bo Derek.

HAVANA -- Cuba's Supreme Boob, Fidel Castro, announced that many Cubans want him to mount an armed assault to rescue Elian Gonzalez from Disney World and his evil relatives in Miami. If the mighty Cuban forces invade Florida, we will know that the treatments Castro received as a young man - to arrest a raging case of mind-destroying syphilis - only worked for a while.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If I had gone to the Academy Awards, is there a chance I might have been chosen Best Supporting Heterosexual?

"From Cottonwood Cove" is syndicated by: