April 10, 2000 -

SYNCOPATED STONEWALLERY:

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Janet to the rescue; Nike gets laced; ABC News has a new comedy star; and safety returns to Sayreville.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno cackled assurances that Elian Gonzalez soon will be taken from his Miami relatives and handed over to his father - Fidel Castro. "Ms. Reno wants to take this opportunity to correct a slight oversight she made during the Waco problem, when she assured cult nutball David Koresh that his bunches of children would be turned over to him," said Fellon E. Finder, a Reno assistant. Cubans seeking the boy's return admitted they were bemused when Ms. Reno asked, "Does President Castro prefer him medium rare, or well done?"

NEW YORK -- Just tie it? Just knot it? Those might replace Nike's "just do it" slogan if the running-shoe manufacturer loses a lawsuit filed by Deborah Faryniarz, a budding orthopedic surgeon who says Nike sneakily ruined her career. Deborah wants $10 million from Nike, claiming the company is responsible for a fall that hurt her wrist. Seems she was running in Nike Certitudes when the right shoelace of the sneaky sneakers snaked across and secured itself to the left sneaker, causing her to stumble and fall. Foote Fettish, a Nike insider, took the news philosophically. "It could be worse. She could have planned to become a brain surgeon." Dr. Deborah's mother is expected to testify that she taught her daughter how to tie her shoelaces.

WASHINGTON -- In a watershed event for the Clinton era, the president and his men exposed lies by ABC News in a megaflap involving a touchy-feely presidential interview involving Your President and actor Leonardo DiCaprio. Clinton-watchers were taken aback. "The President is telling the truth. I'm not certain we know how to deal with this," said a spokesman for Judicial Watch. Meanwhile, ABC news honcho David Westin took up the Clinton slack by contending that ABC didn't send DiCaprio and a crew of some 20 people to interview Clinton. Westin said, "No one is that stupid." Westin told friends that his statement is correct," depending on what the meaning of the word 'one,' is." Westin declined further comment, saying he was late for an appointment with Dr. Deborah Faryniarz. "David has been tripping frequently and possibly the good doctor can teach him how to tie his shoelaces," an ABC flak said.

SAYREVILLE, New Jersey -- Sayreville is safer today, now that four miniature malefactors have been suspended from Sayreville Elementary. The vigilant keepers of Sayreville Elementary heard that the five-year-old boys were playing cops and robbers at recess, pretending their fingers were guns. The little maggots were suspended for three days. The Sayreville reaction to child's play was sufficiently ludicrous that the New Jersey ACLU pronounced the suspension too extreme, but asked the Justice Department to ascertain whether racial profiling was involved in the finger-pointing by the kids playing "cops." Algore said he plans to propose federally mandated finger-locks to deter such evil behavior by other children.

LOS ANGELES -- No one will notice it all that much, but there is significant toxic leakage in the plot line for the feel-good flick "Erin Brockovich," in which a heavily cleavaged Julia Roberts plays the role of the even more cleavaged Ms. Brockovich. For one thing, there is substantial knowledge about chromium 6, the toxic substance that supposedly decimates the water supply of Hinkley, California while Hinkleyhicks are transfixed by Ms. Brockovich's chest. In the movie, chromium 6 causes everything from cancer to nosebleeds and premature ejaculation. However, there is no scientific evidence that water-borne chromium 6 could cause even one of the traumas asserted by Hinkleyhicks. Hinkley's health improved when Ms. Brockovich and her legal team separated Pacific Gas & Electric from $333 million in a California court. Maybe it's time to cloak Ms. Brockovich in a high-necked blouse and call for Tart Reform.

COXSACKIE, New York -- Another damsel is in distress. Hillary Rodham Clinton says life on the campaign trail is harder than expected - especially for women. Mrs. Clinton's Significant Other was interviewing applicants for post- Presidency interns and was not available for comment.

WASHINGTON -- Now let's see. The special counsel investigations of President Clinton cost $52 million, gained convictions, led to an impeachment and revealed patterns of lawbreaking. The President's recent trip to Asia cost $72 million with no hint of any good that might have come from it. The trip tab led Colorado Republican Rep. Joel Hefley to name Clinton "Porker of the Week." Ms. Monica Lewinsky was in a meeting at the Jenny Craig Company and not available for comment.

WASHINGTON -- Charity begins, where? Republican George W. Bush and his wife gave $334,000 to charity in 1998, while Mr. and Mrs. Algore scrounged up just more than $50,000. An Algore spokesman said the vice president will give more, once he begins receiving royalties for inventing the Internet.

SEATTLE, Washington -- Maximum Microsoftie Bill Gates returned from conferences in Washington with a secret plan to get his company in the good graces of Clintonistas. "We believe there are some computing secrets that we can sell to the Red Chinese," said Pann Handlur, a Microsoft lobbyist. He said Microsoft also plans to endow "Computing Contributing Centers" at Buddhist temples and will make company jets available to poverty-stricken Clinton/Gore contributors who need to flee the country to avoid testifying or prosecution.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If an orthopedic surgeon falls on the jogging track, will there be sound if a lawyer doesn't hear it?

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