April 17, 2000 -

RENO RUMBLES!

---

And we got guns, Teletubby news, and Viagra, too.

---

Those, and more. Now, the details...

MIAMI -- Officials said Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno's trip to Miami cost $1.2 billion. Ms. Reno hoped to work out a quick resolution to the case of 6-year-old Cuban Elian Gonzalez. In keeping with Administration policy, Reno flew into Opa-Locka airport. "We picked Opa-Locka because there is no Trigger-Locka airport in the area," said Ruger Manglur, a Reno associate. He declined to say whether Reno traveled in a limousine or in her personal armored personnel carrier, which bears the code name of Tinky Winky. The Justice Department said Ms. Reno's personal expenses total about $50,000 for airplanes and staff travel with the rest for tanks and armored personnel carriers in the Miami neighborhood where young Elian is living with his American relatives.

TUCSON, Arizona -- A lawsuit against gun manufacturers is expected from Teacher Kathy Morris, who shot herself to highlight the lack of security at her school. Morris admitted putting a .38- caliber flesh wound in her own shoulder. At first she said she was shot by a Hispanic man. "We believe Kathy will recoup enough money from her lawsuit against the gun manufacturers to defend herself in the expected lawsuit involving racial profiling, said Skum Grabber, an Arizona trial lawyer. President Clinton initially called for federally mandated nutcase locks but backed off when he realized such a program would disable the White House staff. Maryland Gov. Parris Glendenning said the incident illustrates the need for gun manufacturers to create "smart guns." It's obvious that there should be no problem in creating a gun that is, say, smarter than at least some Arizona middle-school teachers and governors.

ALEXANDRIA, Virginia -- Democratic Rep. James P. Moran of Virginia is drafting legislation for federally mandated midget locks after, Moran says, an evil and unarmed 4-foot-7, 85-pound boy threatened to kill him and steal his car. Moran, a boxer and former Marine, said the monster kid fixed him with a chilling glare and told him the candy-filled toy baby bottle in his pocket was a gun. A Moran associate said the Congressman felt a duty to restrain the little maggot. "For all Jim knew, the kid wanted to steal the car and drive to Tucson to shoot a teacher," he/she/it said.

BEIJING -- Now that the Red Chinese have all our nuclear secrets, they're moving in on our Viagra. Chinese scientists are experimenting with Viagra as a possible way to interest male pandas in having intercourse for more than 20 seconds. A Chinese publication says Viagra might stimulate the pandas to do it for up to 20 minutes. No female pandas were available for comment, but a spokesman for Handgun Control said the Viagra exportation is simply a sneaky effort by the National Rifle Association to export America's 2nd Amendment to China. "As I read it, this is a back-alley way of saying there is a right to sort of arm bears," said Handgun Control's Knutt Kase.

And in Midfield, Alabama, Will Wright, 42, said he is not guilty of raping and sodomizing a 19-year-old woman because Viagra made him do it. Lawyers will contend Viagra made Wright so insane that he thought he was a Chinese panda.

OCEANSIDE, California -- A California woman will sue to rid the nation of Teletubbies, contending that the allegedly gay icon Teletubby, Tinky Winky, threatened her 2-year-old daughter. Rene Michelle Taylor says the talking Teletubby said, "I've got a gun, run away." The talking head for the talking Teletubbies says Tinky Winky isn't saying "gun." Congressman James Moran is reported en route to California, where he plans to put a choke hold on any Teletubby that threatens him or any other Democrat.

HOUSTON -- In what undoubtedly will be seen by some as a case of genetic racism, the 21-year-old son of Texas Death Row Icon Gary Graham has been charged with capital murder. Graham's son, Gary Lee Hawkins, was only two when daddy went to death row. Houston police said Hawkins shot Melvin Ray Pope in the head to take Pope's rent money. Daddy Gary was a one-man crime wave until his 1981 arrest for murdering a tourist. He has attracted wide support among the famous and stupid - including actor Danny Glover - in his contention that he was framed. The head of a Houston-based victim's-rights group stirred widespread synthetic outrage when she said, "If Gary Graham had been executed many years ago, then perhaps his son would believe in the finality of the death penalty and would not have committed - allegedly committed - capital murder himself." A Black Muslim leader said the evil racist government was the cause of Gary Lee growing up without his father's guiding finger on his trigger. "It was not Gary Graham who chose to stay out of his son's life," he said. There is good news to report in the Graham matter, however. There is no indication that sonny has any children.

NEW YORK -- The New Dork Times became so mightily enraged about Independent Counsel Robert Ray's insistence on doing his job that it committed a grammatical impossibility to print in the lead of a pro-Clinton editorial. Sayeth the Times: "There are worrying signs that Robert Ray, the career prosecutor who succeeded Kenneth Starr as independent counsel investigating President Clinton, shares his clumsy predecessor's problem in winding up an investigation." That might or might not be true, but the word that eluded the Times was "worrisome," which is different from "worrying."

WASHINGTON -- Trying to morph himself into a cute-talking version of Slick Willie, Algore said President Clinton is on record as saying he will "neither request nor accept a pardon." The question put to Algore, of course, was whether HE would pardon Clinton of any potential criminal charges brought in the Whitewater or Monica Lewinsky cases. Algore wasn't pressed on his maladroit evasion since he was speaking to a docile group - the American Society of Newspaper Editors.

NEW YORK -- The New Dork Times examined 100 "rampage" murders. In a blockbuster story of almost 6,000 words, crack Times specialists reveal that rampage murderers generally were a tad on the strange side before they began killing in wholesale lots. Industry sources said the Times team's next effort will attempt to establish that many professional basketball players are above average height.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Could we end the Texas drought by swapping Elian Gonzalez for El Nino?

"From Cottonwood Cove" is syndicated by: