April 24, 2000 -

AT LAST!

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A real no-flesh, no-blood robot on TV; Algore ventures into tepid waters; guns; and the half-vast conspiracy.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

LONDON -- It had to happen. Ananova, a kinda/sorta pretty robotic newscaster, has hit the airwaves in the United Kingdom. Now that's not to imply that many flesh-and-blood news readers aren't robotic, but Ananova is strictly "virtual;" computer-designed to look something like a Spice Girl. American broadcasters are rushing their own robotic newscasters into production. ABC will offer a Barbara Walters robotic newscaster. An androgynous ABC spokesthing said the Wah-Wah model will specialize in wobotically weading weports on woad wage. CBS will debut the Bryant Gumbel robot, which is programmed to suck up money and drive away viewers. CBS also plans a Dan Rather robot, which will give reports from hurricanes without one strand of hair blown out of place. "We at CBS always concentrate on authenticity," said Hare Spreye, a Rather flak. ABC is working out bugs in a Sam Donaldson robotic presence. "For some reason, it keeps losing its hair and falling off the left side of the screen," an insider said. NBC reports glitches in its Marv Albert robotic sportscaster, which often changes from a business suit to women's underwear. The initial Marv model bit a female NBC producer. "It was virtual. It didn't hurt," she said.

Ms. Monica Lewinsky, a Clinton-era robopneumatic device, announced plans to sue Ananova's developers for copyright infringement. "Ananova is, like, a sort of, like, talking head. I had the world talking head back when she was, like, just a thingie on a CAD machine," Ms. Lewinsky said. Ms. Lewinsky was enraged when she heard that President Clinton has offered Ananova a White House internship. "It was just a thought," said White House paid liar Joe Lockhart. "It occurred to us that there might be significant legal benefits to virtual interns."

WASHINGTON -- Coming soon from the people who brought us toilets that won't flush: federally mandated water heaters that probably won't heat water. Algore, the robotic candidate for president, says "greenhouse" gas emissions under his requirements for water heaters will be the equivalent of taking 28 million cars off the road. Algore says the new heaters will save consumers tons of wampum. Now we of suspicious nature - generally the people who remember when a toilet only needed to be flushed once - have to suspect we're being prepped for the thousand-dollar heater. And lukewarm water, of course.

And Algore wants a federal law banning guns from churches and "other places of worship." Convicts at the federal slammer at Marion, Illinois immediately petitioned to have the lockup declared a Buddhist Temple. Algore was not deterred. "It is time for Jesus Locks on guns," he said, pointing out that he speaks as an expert, having invented Christianity.

Taking note that Rev. Jerry Falwell has launched an effort to register 10 million Christian voters for the next election, Algore said his guns-in-church ban would not apply to places of worship in Virginia which house ministers who have television programs or are in any way affiliated with Liberty University.

SHIPROCK, New Mexico -- From now on, just call me Tonto Freeman. I'm changing my name because Your President has a plan to provide telephone service to native Americans for $1 a month. You white-eyes won't miss the money, much. Clinton wants to pay for the Indian telephones by increasing the surcharge on long-distance phone calls by .4 percent. Clinton also proposes to give cigars to native Americans so they can communicate by smoke signals when having oral sex. "Hey, it worked for me and Monica," he said.

RICHMOND, Virginia -- Newt Gingrich scored a partial victory over the half- vast left-wing conspiracy when the Associated Press had to retract a story quoting Gingrich as predicting Hillary will easily defeat Rudy...and also reporting that Gingrich harshly criticized Gov. George W. Bush's campaign apparatus. An AP spokesthing denied any political slanting caused the incorrect report. "We're just incompetent, not biased," he/she/it said.

CARDENAS, Cuba -- Your President was interested to learn that the school Elian Gonzalez will attend in Cuba is directly across the street from the best little whorehouse in Cuba. "Sounds pretty good to me," Clinton said, adding that he plans to visit Elian after he is returned to his homeland.

ATLANTA -- Executives from cable news channels convened in emergency session to work out a plan for live television news programming, once Elian Gonzalez is exported to a youth gulag in Cuba.

WASHINGTON -- Alan Greenspan has been married to the waspish and angular Andrea Mitchell for too long. So long that he incorrectly compares day trading with gambling at Las Vegas. Wrong. Try Las Vegas, Alan. You'd get to see some beautiful naked women.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: I saw an ad for "Weeboks." Would this be what Baba Wahwah wears when she's wunning?

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