May 1, 2000 -

ILLS, EAGLES, & ELIANS!

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There's youknowwho; President Play-Doh; Hillary; smoking; racism...

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...and more. Now, the details...

CARDENAS, Cuba -- Uh, Oh. It turns out that Elian Gonzalez is the bastard son of his loving father, Juan Miguel. Juan Miguel Gonzalez and Elian's mother were divorced in May 1991. Elian was born Dec. 6, 1993. Even people stupid enough to lust for four more years of Bill Clinton and Janet Reno should be able to calculate that spread as something more than nine months. So, Elian is an incidental bastard, now in the custody of the man who knocked up his mother, and some other real bastards.

MIAMI -- There appears to be good reason to impeach and remove Your President and Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno. The INS troopers who stormed the Gonzalez house over the Easter weekend were brandishing weapons with no trigger locks.

WASHINGTON -- Doris Meissner, fearless head of the Immigration and Naturalization Service, talked with Your President about toys for his trip out of Miami. Ms. Meissner said the INS thoughtfully provided Elian Gonzalez with Play-Doh. She said that calmed him. The President agrees, sort of, because Monica Lewinsky calmed him by using a cigar as a Dil-Doh.

NEW YORK -- Her creative juices sent to flood tide by the Elian Gonzalez raid, Hillary Clinton is working on a new book about childcare. This one will be titled "It Takes an Uzi."

LOS ANGELES -- Semi-retired slasher O.J. Simpson, sympathetic with the persecuted, said he will work to find Algore's top, which Algore blew when investigators had the temerity to ask him about his illegal 1996 fund-raising at a Buddhist temple. "Algore needs a top," Simpson said, adding: "I'll home in on it as soon as I run down the real killers of my ex-wife."

WASHINGTON -- Seeking to prove that Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno isn't your average jack-booted Clintonista, the Washington Post reported that she decided to "allow" photographs of the Elian Gonzalez snatch. A photo of a brave Border Patrol agent training his automatic weapon on a terrified boy and his equally terrified benefactor has brought opprobrium to the image-conscious Clinton White House. "We needed more people and more guns to prevent photographs," said Dedly Farce, a Reno aide. "We forgot that a picture is worth a thousand goons."

The Drudge Report carried this headline on a story quoting Sen. Bob Graham, a Florida Democrat, as saying Your President gave his word that the government would not move to take Elian Gonzalez at night: "Clinton Assured Me He Would Not Move at Night." The President said Graham obviously misunderstood. "I was talking about Hillary. She's the one who won't move at night," Clinton said.

CHICAGO -- But did it have a trigger lock! Mary Drury, a Secret Service agent assigned to protect the Second Felon, lost her gun to a thief last fall. Ms. Drury had faithfully put herself and her purse between Mrs. Clinton and harm's way earlier in the day and was relaxing in a hotel bar when a malefactor swiped it, and her gun. Police recovered the gun from Kenneth Blake, a 39-arrest heroin addict. Secret Service spokesthings said Ms. Drury hadn't been a good girl, but declined to specify whether she would be disciplined.

WASHINGTON -- Your President wants to revive hate-crimes legislation. Now there are no provisions in his bill to prevent Border Patrol agents from storming a Miami house, but Mr. Clinton thinks it would be neat if the government could devil the Republicans with this one. A big mover on the Democratic hate-crimes bill is Sen. Teddy Kennedy, whose bill excludes the drowning of stewardesses but seeks to protect gays, minorities and the disabled.

WASHINGTON -- An idea for the Census Bureau, which is dispatching thousands of people to make Americans fill out their census forms: Why not a television commercial that digitally alters the signs on the backs of the Elian Gonzalez raiders to read "Census 2000," and have Janet Reno do a voiceover? Something like: "The Census form. It's the rule of law."

LONDON -- The way Robert Plumb tells it, Glenys, his wife of 30 years, just didn't know when to quit. Quit smoking. Plumb, 56, attacked Glenys with a foot-long kitchen knife in a rage ignited by her confession that she had been unable to quit smoking. Iron-willed Robert gave up the Demon Weed after a heart attack. Several thousand American lawyers are reported in England to establish which tobacco company will be hit by a multimillion-dollar no-class action lawsuit on Robert's behalf.

AMES, Iowa -- Is Ann Rhodes a racist, a sexist, or both? Maybe she's just stupid. Rhodes, vice president for University Relations at University of Iowa, apologized for referring to white men as "the root of most evil." Rhodes made the snap appraisal about racist e-mails at the school, but the evildoer turned out to be a black female. She admitted she wasn't thinking clearly. "I should have blamed it all on the Cuban-Americans in Miami," she said. Since she didn't, she had to apologize.

WASHINGTON -- The Postal Pests paid $248,000 to move two Postal Service big dudes - one relocated by 10 miles and another who moved a whole 30. They continued to work at the agency's headquarters. Postal workers who actually mangle the mail have to change workplaces and move at least 50 miles before they get a "relocation benefit." Those benighted ratepayers who think $6,200 a mile is a bit much are invited to buy body armor and stamp their feet.

WASHINGTON -- The Supreme Court heard oral arguments (which seems appropriate) on whether the Boy Scouts of America can exclude homosexuals from leadership positions. A spokesman for the Scouts said the organization will resist changing its oath to require that Scouts pledge to do a good dood daily.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Are you old enough to remember when a gay Boy Scout was smiling?

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