May 8, 2000 -

MAGNIFICENT MONOLOGUERY!

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Mrs. Rudy pulls out; AIDS is the new SuperPower; Algore comes out against crime; and Texas gets rid of another bad guy.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

NEW YORK -- Clintonistas were scornful when alleged actress Donna Hanover, alleged wife of Rudy Giuliani, withdrew from an off-Broadway production called "The Vagina Monologues." AttackLizard James Carville, who handles below-the-belt affairs for the President and First Lady, was chosen as spokesthing. "Nobody associated with the President and Hillary would ever withdraw from anything with 'vagina' in its name," he said. Carville cackled that Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno has indicated an interest in replacing Ms. Hanover in the part. "She reads her lines well and always can be counted on for a forceful entry," he said. The Algores also leaped into the fray. Algore said he invented monologues back when President Clinton was developing the vagina. Tippergore beat drums at a gay meeting, saying she might take a role in an upcoming production called "The Kink Khronicles." Ms. Hanover was having the air in her head changed and was not available for comment.

WASHINGTON -- Clinton sent wheelchair-borne lawyer Charles F.C. Ruff and racist Cheryl Mills to explain that it was un-American and evil to suggest that the White House withheld hundreds of thousands of e-mails subpoenaed by investigators in 1998. Ruff said, "Never - not once - did anyone on my staff seek to conceal any document." Translated from Clinton-speak, that means that the White House Counsel's office did it often, not once. And that multiple people were involved, not just "anyone."

WASHINGTON -- The President is searching for the proper safety locks to require now that he has declared AIDS to be a threat to national security. "Since the virus that causes AIDS is epidemic among homosexuals, it is possible that we will require worldwide frigger locks," said Looce Lohfers, a Clinton appointee to the National Security Council. Lohfers declined to specify how people who will die quickly represent an emaciated New Century version of the Third Reich. (An undeniable fact is that the "AIDS crisis" in Third World nations is certainly overstated, since there is virtually no testing for HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. Needy nations know that Uncle Whiskers will open a large checkbook to fight AIDS - while battling the customary Third World pandemics isn't quite so trendy.)

ATLANTA -- Crimefighter Algore proposed a half-billion dollar anti-crime program and said off-duty police officers should be allowed to carry concealed weapons. Algore didn't specify whether cops should be required to have trigger locks on their off-duty weapons.

Meanwhile, Clarence Day, 68, the chief bodyguard for Housing Secretary Andrew Cuomo, took another step toward becoming the Poster Child for trigger locks when he (again) left his loaded .38 - this time in a federal cafeteria. A Cuomo mouthpiece said it would not be fair to criticize Officer Day for one lapse. True enough, but Day's co-workers say he has been forgetting his piece here and there quite often for about a year. Cuomo operatives said Day's memory isn't all that bad - since he never forgets to cash the checks that pay his $79,155 a year salary.

BALTIMORE -- The gay community took new heart from a study by Johns Hopkins University. Dr. Maura Gillison, an oncologist, said the virus that causes most cancers of the cervix also appears to be the cause of oral cancer. "It seems that Johns Hopkins has inadvertently validated the gay lifestyle. It appears there is no difference over which end is up," said Papp Smehr, head of the Maryland Gay Alliance. Ms. Monica Lewinsky, however, was disturbed by the report. "Like, I don't, like, know whether to go to my gynecologist or my, like, throat doctor," she said.

LOS ANGELES -- A national crisis was averted when Time Warner and Walt Disney reached a temporary agreement that restored the Constitutional right of big-city dorks to watch ABC's "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" on cable. Sources said the Clinton Administration hastened a temporary accord by threatening that Stonewall Reno might declare Regis Philbin an illegal alien and dispatch several thousand INS agents to rescue him.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Expending all of his class before he drew his last breath on Texas Death Row, Tommy Ray Jackson, 43, insisted he and rape-murder victim Rosalind Robison were good pals and that was why he was driving her car and carrying her ATM card after her body was found. Jackson was a twice-paroled bank robber and burglar. Ms. Robison was a University of Texas student. Jackson, who escaped from an Austin halfway house before the murder, became the 13th person so far this year to give Texans another reason to support death-penalty proponent George W. Bush. Nos. 14 and 15 are to die next week.

SALEM, Oregon -- Oregon needs a three-strikes law for its state Supreme Court. In 1992, the court threw out the death penalty assessed Dayton Leroy Rogers, saying the jury hadn't considered "additional factors" in his case. This week the justices deep-sixed a second death penalty for Rogers, saying the jury should have heard a psychologist testify that Dayton Leroy might be somewhat strange in the head. Dayton Leroy was convicted in 1989 of murdering six prostitutes. The body of a seventh was found with the other victims. Rogers was not charged with her death, but his attorneys admitted in court that he killed her, too. Rogers hopes to be paroled to the custody of a dating service while awaiting his new sentencing hearing.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Could a Pap Smear be a press statement by James Carville?

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