May 15, 2000 -

PERIPATETIC POLLSTERISM!

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Algore fades; Monica is fetching; "is" is still unclear; there's the orgasm study; and a few kinks get worked up.

LOS ANGELES -- A Los Angeles Times poll shows George W. Bush with an eight percentage point nationwide lead over Algore. Seeking to bolster his sympathy vote, Algore denigrated Bush's foreign-policy knowledge, specifically mentioning the people of Bosnia, whom he called "Bosniaks." Algore's gaffe caused President Clinton to schedule a quick trip to Bosnia, thinking the Vice President had invented a new supply of Bosninymphomaniacs. In other political developments, Arizona Sen. John McCain got the word that he lost the Republican presidential race and endorsed Bush. Rudy Giuliani's alleged wife, alleged actress Donna Hanover, announced she is fed up with hizzonner's womanizing but will not move out of Gracie Mansion. Ms. Hanover regrets giving up her role in an off-Broadway play called the Vagina Monologues.

WASHINGTON -- Hope springing eternal, former White House Shop-Vac Monica Lewinsky is taking "Program" anti-flea pills after reading that Your President sleeps with Buddy, his other dog, when Hillary is out of town. Ms. Lewinsky cut short an interview so she could practice fetching a tennis ball.

WASHINGTON -- The Clinton White House says the Lewinsky scandal has not brought the intern program to its knees. Spokesman Jim Kennedy says there are about 250 interns in the current program. Algore distanced himself from the program, announcing that he invented the mouse pad, not the kneepad.

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas -- Still contending he is the only person on the planet who can correctly define what the meaning of "is" is, Your President filed an 80-page brief stating that he told the truth when he denied having sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky. And Clinton and Second Felon Hillary invoked the judicial doctrine of spousal privilege, contending that Mrs. Clinton can't be required to testify about conversations America's First Family of Slime had about Clinton gropee Kathleen Willey.

ATLANTA -- The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention drew more jeers than claps in announcing that gonorrhea cases could be cut 9 percent by increasing taxes on six-packs of beer. The CDC based its laugher of a study on states that boosted alcohol taxes between 1981 and 1995, saying there is an inverse relationship between beer prices and gonorrhea. However, the study brings new ideas to the fore for controlling Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Speed limits generally increased from 55 to 70 in the same period, indicating that faster travel apparently precludes quickie sex. Algore avoided the controversy but pointed to the fact that he invented penicillin.

FORT COLLINS, Colorado -- Anthony Lasirena, 45, faces charges of criminal impersonation for allegedly paying women $10 an hour to participate in a phony study of female orgasm. Lasirena's "study" was conducted in his home and recruited heavy breathing Colorado women with newspaper ads. A search warrant led police to four women - ages 18, 19, 20 and 41. There is believed to be a fifth victim but officers declined to question her while her eyes are crossed. Lasirena said he hopes the charges can be disposed of before he takes his new job as Intern Screening Officer in the Clinton White House.

Investigators discount Lasirena as a suspect in the death of a pornographic movie queen, who succumbed to a heart attack on the set of her new movie. Sources said her last words were: "Oh. Oh my God. Oh. Don't. Stop. Oh. Oh."

BOSTON -- Meanwhile, in the People's Republic of Massachusetts, the Boston chapter of the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network threatened to sue a parent if he shows a videotape in which state educators supposedly used graphic sexual language to describe homosexual sex to minors. Scott Whiteman, a parent, secretly taped a Tufts University seminar on "What They Didn't Tell You About Queer Sex and Sexuality in Health Class," a workshop for ages 14-21. It is not known if the price of a six-pack was discussed in the presentation.

DALLAS -- A court test of family values will come in Dallas, where country singer LeAnn Rimes, now 17, is suing her father and her former co-manager, claiming they fleeced her of more than $7 million over five years. The lawsuit alleges Mr. Rimes and his co-manager occasionally ripped off as much as 30 percent of LeAnn's income.

BATON ROUGE, Louisiana -- Fast Eddie finally lost a step. Former Louisiana Governor Edwin Edwards finally was convicted of conducting his standard criminal behavior. Fast Eddie's crime spree had its beginning in the 1960s when he was a mere congressman/extortionist and continued during four terms as governor/extortionist/racketeer in America's most corruption-friendly state. Fast Eddie is 72 and was convicted on 17 of 26 counts, including two racketeering charges, each of which carries 20 years in prison and a $250,000 fine. Louisiana juries in the past had routinely set Eddie free to extort some more because they found him to be a charming rogue. Trial testimony did not indicate whether Fast Eddie sleeps with his dog, or with his 35-year-old wife.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Would a Broadway play about Bill Clinton be called the Vagina Dialogues?

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