May 22, 2000 -

RISKY, FRISKY & RISQUE!

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Read on at your own risk.

WASHINGTON -- Your President canceled all appointments to be with Algore, then reinstituted his schedule after learning he had misunderstood Algore's ramblings on Social Security. "The President didn't have his hearing aid turned up and he thought Algore said something about a frisky sex scene," said Kinkee LeGrone, a presidential sex counselor.

SACRAMENTO -- For the next "risky tax scheme," we go to the Granola State, where Gov. Gray Davis is trying manfully (in California, that would be personfully) to reclaim the title as chief nut. Davis suggests exempting public-schoolteachers from California taxes. Not private-schoolteachers. Nor cops. Nor firefighters. Nor security guards in public schools. Just teachers. "Arkansas, Tennessee, New York and Washington have made great inroads recently in producing truly innovative fools and we applaud Gov. Davis for trying to restore California to its glory," said Knutte Kase, president of Fruits & Nuts Forever. Asked what career he might pursue once the voters learn he is an idiot, Davis said: "I dunno. Maybe I'll teach."

NASHVILLE, Tennessee -- Sources say the man behind Algore's campaign strategy, which amounts to calling everything George W. Bush proposes "risky," is Lowe Wrisque, a neutered former Catholic priest who wears two belts and suspenders and two condoms at all times. Wrisque reportedly carries a doggie poop bag at all times, despite the fact that his only pet is a cat.

LLANO, Texas -- Barbecue entrepreneurs reacted poorly to Algore's suggestion for a special levy on smoked beef, calling it a brisket tax scheme.

ALBANY, New York -- Faithful Hillaryistas spat on members of the Albany Police Department Honor Guard as they carried the American flag to the New York state Democratic convention anointing the First Shredder for the Democratic senatorial nomination. Spittle and taunts of "Nazi" came from Democratic delegates on the convention floor. Algore blamed the Albany cops. "They should have known going in that this was a risky flag scene," he said.

WASHINGTON -- The U.S. Supreme Court set feminist fangs on edge by ruling that rape isn't interstate commerce. The court held that Congress exceeded its power with a law that allows rape and domestic-violence victims to sue their attackers in federal court. The ruling is another in a series in which the court has reined in attempts to federalize many state crimes. Algore deplored the decision, calling it a risky rape scheme.

INDIANAPOLIS -- Indiana University warned basketball coach Bobby Knight that its tolerance for his zaniness was near an end and that any more incidents of player-strangling, cop-punching, chair-throwing or secretary-menacing would be met with stern action. Possibly even including two shots for the opposing team's coach. Algore said the Indiana decision was a risky hoop dream.

WASHINGTON -- Algore suggested campaign staffers should be beside themselves with anger over a New Dork Times/CBS poll that indicated most Americans believe he lacks leadership capability. "I am Alpha Male. Tipper told me so. I read the memo," Algore asserted.

TOW, Texas -- I admit I majored in journalism, but figures on the Los Alamos wildfire raise my greed level and renew an interest in math. I hear that 260 homes have been destroyed by the government-caused wildfires around Los Alamos, New Mexico and that damage is estimated at around $1 billion. Accepting that a few tree houses, outhouses and mailboxes might be included in the damage guesstimate, doesn't that mean the average post-burn value of a Los Alamos home is around $3.8 million? Some might say that a Los Alamos home once valued at, say, $250,000 might have been one hell of a wise investment.

WASHINGTON -- The dean of the White House Press Corps, Helen Thomas, 79, resigned immediately after an announcement that United Press International had been sold to New World Communications. A principal in New World is the Rev. Sun Myung Moon and New World publishes the right-leaning Washington Times. Like most of the Washington press, Ms. Thomas is a stalwart liberal. Her peers will celebrate her as the woman who mooned the Moonies.

WASHINGTON -- In a poll coinciding with the so-called Million Mom March, the Washington Post reported that 14 percent of all Americans say they have been threatened with a gun, nine percent report being both threatened and shot at; 70 percent say neither and 10 percent say they "don't know." Don't know!!! Doesn't this mean that 10 percent of the people are so stupid they should be shot?

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Why is the most politically correct babble show on network television called "Politically Incorrect?"

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