May 29, 2000 -

DANGEROUS DUMBBELL!

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Rosie's got heat; Hillary seeks revictimization; Robin Williams speaks,

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and more. Now, the details...

GREENWICH, Connecticut -- A few of Rosie O'Donnell's neighbors assert they're a little miffed to hear that the gun-control nutcase's bodyguard has applied for a permit to carry a concealed weapon. O'Donnell said she and her family need protection because she has been threatened over her gun-control activities. She said she was particularly worried that her four-year-old son would be vulnerable to kidnap or harm at kindergarten if malefactors knew someone packing no heat was guarding him. The guard will wear a jacket stating "Save the Children" when he is with the little boy and one emblazoned with "Save the Whales" when he is with Ms. O'Donnell.

NEW YORK -- Hillary's campaign handlers went into full attack mode, spurred by a Zogby poll showing the First Shredder in a statistical dead heat with Long Island Congressman Rick Lazio. Lazio, who was a little-known Long Island Republican until Rudy Giuliani quit the Senate race, was 14 points behind Hillary only a week ago. Clinton Attack Lizard James Carville plans to reposition Hillary as a victim in order to restore her primacy. "Alls we gots to do is to find some Long Island bimbo willing to do a Monica on Bill in the Oval Office. We'll put it on national television and then Hillary can go on the Today Show and say the whole deal is a big conspiracy and that Lazio is actually the bastard son of Ken Starr," Carville said. Miss Monica Lewinsky offered her expertise. "Like, I could, like, move to Long Island," she said, adding: "they, like, allow airheads on Long Island, don't they?"

WASHINGTON -- Clinton-era intellectual Robin Williams wowed a "tribute" to Bill and Algore by using the f-word, the b-word and the s-word. The occasion was a gathering of mostly rich Clinton scum who have given or arranged delivery of a half-million bucks to the First Fondler. C-Span carried the tribute live and its executives went into a meeting to try to determine whether they were amused. However, Bill & Hill were not taken aback by Williams' presentation. Veteran First Family watchers will remember the Bill-Hill "have a good day" conversation, as he prepared to leave for his first presidential inauguration, went like this. He: "F------ bitch!" She: "Goddamned m----------r!"

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina -- National Rifle Association President Charlton Heston upset the anti-gun people - and Algore - by holding up a musket and stating: "From my cold, dead hands..." Algore promised to challenge Heston. "From my cold, dead mind," he said.

NEW YORK -- Uh, Ralph, you're a little late. Ralph Nader, seeking the Green Party nomination for president, says he believes the House did the right thing in impeaching Clinton and that the Senate did the wrong thing in letting him stay in office. Sources said Nader soon will announce that the Chevrolet Corvair wasn't all that bad a car, after all.

WASHINGTON -- Democratic National Committee Chairman Joe Andrew cleared up his partisan (and possibly "other") preference in a one-page essay on "Why I Am a Democrat." Andrew wrote: "We welcome you regardless of what gender you are or what gender you want to hold hands with."

NEW YORK -- Some professional football players are aghast at the thought of radio talk-show titan Rush Limbaugh taking a commentary role on ABC's Monday Night Football. "I predict there will be all manner of invective any time we call a play that goes left," said Porte Sidur, a backup quarterback for the Tennessee Titans. Limbaugh dismissed the grumbling. "I certainly understand that people can score when they consistently move to the left. If you don't believe that, ask President Clinton or Monica Lewinsky."

WASHINGTON -- The PBS babble show "To The Contrary" exists so homely and hostile feminists can make fools of themselves on television. A token opponent usually is a panelist on the show, which is hosted by the waspish Bonnie Erbe. Until recently one of the tokens was Linda Chavez, an attractive middle-aged woman who regularly works at the right-leaning Center for Equal Opportunity. Chavez says that she keeps a gun at home to protect herself from possible murder or rape. "If you look at the statistics," Erbe snorted, "... you have a greater chance of being struck by lightning, Linda, than, living where you live, and at your age, being raped." Ms. Erbe apparently doesn't know the facts. Rape is a crime of violence and its victims seldom are targeted because of their physical attractiveness or age. If physical beauty were the key component in rapists' minds, Ms. Erbe could sleep with her doors and windows open.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Texans got the 17th reason to support death-penalty supporter George W. Bush this week with a richly earned lethal injection for Richard Donald Foster, 47. Foster blew Gary Cox's head off with a sawed-off shotgun while robbing Cox's feed store of $300. Foster said he will be a much nicer person in the next life. Two more reasons for Bush adulation will come next week and there will be seven more in June.

CHEYENNE, Wyoming -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals came out of Chute No. 1 with a proposal that Wyoming (the Cowboy State) take the bucking bronco off its license plates. A cowboy on a bronc has been on Wyoming license plates since 1936. PETA's pests apparently don't know that the bronco involved was a legendary rodeo horse named Steamboat, which was dubbed "the horse that couldn't be ridden."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Given that broncs weigh more than a thousand pounds and cowboys around 150, shouldn't there be a group of horse's asses promoting Ethical Treatment of Cowboys?

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