June 12, 2000 -

SLASHING STORIFICATIONS!

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The Juice is loose (again); Algore loses his alpha e-mail;

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and more. Now, the details...

TOW, Texas -- I think I've figured out a way to make a quick $3 million. Semi-retired slasher O.J. Simpson went on television to say he would take a lie detector test, if someone will give him $3 million to do it, then hand over the $3 million to anyone who will come forward and say who murdered his ex-wife and her friend in June 1994. I realize I might have to split the money with a couple hundred million other people. For those 20 or 30 people who don't know the name of the killer, a hint: His first name is "Orenthal" and his middle name is "James."

Simpson suggested that the news media restore him as an American icon and turn its attention to further disgracing former Atlanta Braves closer John Rocker. "Here is a man who has said ugly words about gay people, about homosexuals and people of color," Simpson simpered, "and all that happens to him is that he gets demoted from the majors to Toledo." Simpson said, however, that he has some sympathy for Rocker and might like to chat with him. "I've got the name of a good knife shop in Toledo," Simpson said.

Turning to foreign concerns, Simpson said he also has sympathy for several Turkish children who lost far too much in a mass circumcision. The health service chief at Manisa, Turkey, said 198 circumcisions went without a wayward snip but two boys lost a bit too much. "They appear to be all right, but it will only become apparent later if they have lost their sexual function," he said. "That's deplorable," Simpson said, "there are too many people running around with knives who don't know how to use them."

WASHINGTON -- Algore, inventor of the Internet, might apply for a patent on the Electronic Coverup. It seems that thousands of e-mail messages from Algore and his merry band will never be found because a "technical error" caused the failure of a backup tape system. "It's no big deal," said Byte Scramblur, who heads Algore's Lost Information Department. "It's just 625 tapes or so, all subpoenaed by those pests in Congress and the judicial branch. In California, Mr. O.J. Simpson said he believes his missing glove also was lost in the mix-up. "If they find my glove and my Swiss Army Knife, I hope they'll be nice enough to give them back to me," Simpson said.

WASHINGTON -- Someone needs to pay for a polygraph test for the Justice Department, which stands by while Yoah Prez'dent routinely declares he and crimefighter Algore have put 100,000 new police officers "on the streets." The Justice Department says about 49,000 new cops are out there. In the Clinton administration, one always has to ask if it depends on what our definition of "on the streets" is, too.

REYNOSA, Mexico -- Carlos Ibarra Perez, who claims to head an immigrant-rights group, said he would pay $10,000 to anyone who kills a U.S. Border Patrol agent. Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno strongly denounced the bounty. "It would be different if this slimeball would donate the money to the Democratic National Committee, but we can't have people pot-shotting Border Patrol people willy-nilly for no bucks," Ms. Reno said. In other Reno news, she announced that Paula Jones and Congressman Dan Burton have been given special presidential commissions as Border Patrol agents.

LUBBOCK, Texas -- Coming soon to television: "Survivors: The Computer Nerds." The idea comes from the experiences of Robert Lemmon, a computer-science teacher who wandered the nothingness of West Texas for about six days. Lemmon survived by eating cactus. His experience with Microsoft Windows helped keep him going, even though he was shoeless in country where rattlesnakes outnumber people by approximately 100,000 to 1. "When my feet gave out, I just told myself 'reboot,' and I then could walk until I saw the Microsoft Logo crash again," he said.

LONDON -- In a balancing act that probably will go into the Book of World Records, Ironhead Mike Tyson is taking drugs to "balance" chemicals in his tiny brain. Tyson's handlers theorize the treatments might help the former heavyweight champion control himself both inside and out of the ring. Scientists said tests to get the correct dosage for Tyson's brain were conducted at a colony of pissants in Alabama.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Algore keeps reinventing himself, isn't it likely he is using defective parts?

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