June 19, 2000 -

FREE WILLY WILLIES!

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A real talking head; there's DNA

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and lots more.

LOS ANGELES -- Drudgereport.com reports that a new book about Yoah Prezdent has as its main character "Willy," the "talking penis" of President Slick. The revelation comes as a surprise to many of us, who believe that Clinton's "talking penis" is named James Carville. Contacted at a doughnut shop in New York City, former White House Shop-Vac Monica Lewinsky got a chuckle out of the report. "Actually, it should be named Wee Willy," she said. Ms. Lewinsky declined further comment, saying future statements would have to come from her mouthpiece.

AUSTIN, Texas -- It probably is going to take some time to get this one straight. That newfangled testing for DNA evidence has freed people from jail, and even from death row. And now death penalty opponents (sometimes known as crime supporters) say all executions should be stopped because DNA tests are available. "It's just not fair to execute somebody who committed a murder, or a bunch of murders, and can't be given a DNA test just because he neglected to leave DNA evidence at the crime scene," said Barry Schmuck, a nationally known lawyer who specializes in defending the very guilty. Semi-retired slasher O.J. Simpson said the brouhaha over DNA testing is vastly overblown. "Hey, I did two people and left DNA and fibers and all kinds of stuff all over the crime scene and I got away with it," Simpson said. A young blonde woman reporter interviewing Simpson cut short a conversation on a Florida golf course, fleeing in terror. "Mr. Simpson said he is working on a bad slice, so I got the hell out of there," she said.

Meanwhile, the evil Supreme Court laid down new obstacles for killers who want to get away with murder. In the usual 5-4 vote, the justices upheld the death sentence given Virginia killer Bobby Lee Ramdass - even though Bobby Lee was kept from telling jurors that he would serve life in prison - if the jury gave him life in prison. Bobby Lee was a one-man crime spree in Fairfax County, Virginia in 1992, robbing two pizza restaurants and a convenience store and killing a clerk while he was about it. "The service was so poor that Bobby Lee never got a chance to leave any DNA evidence at the crime scene," said his lawyer, adding: "It's not fair to punish a man who didn't get a chance to leave body fluids or hair at the crime scene."

WASHINGTON -- Algore said he didn't know zip about loads of missing e-mails that somehow evaded subpoena. Gore, inventor of the Internet, said he also doesn't know zip about computers. "I have been widely misquoted about the Internet," Gore said. He said he actually said he invented the cast net. "Fishermen everywhere should thank me when they go out to get their bait fish in cast nets. Actually, I am recognized worldwide as a master baiter," Algore said. "I never would have thunk it," Clinton muttered.

Asked on Fox News Channel whether President Algore might consider nominating the First Fondler to the Supreme Court, Algore was decidedly noncommittal, but didn't rule out the possibility that he might want the nation's first judicially certified perjurer to sit on the high court.

CARTHAGE, Tennessee -- Tracy Mayberry, a tenant who paid her monthly rent checks to a slumlord named Algore, probably can expect an Internal Revenue Service audit and maybe a few Clinton/Gore private detectives looking into her ill-starred life. "It's jes' possible that this here woman oughta be charged with soliciting a lewd and lascivious sex act from the Vice President," said Clinton/Gore Attack Lizard James Carville. Asked why that might be, Carville quoted Mrs. Mayberry. "It's on the record. She said, 'Algore can kiss my ass'."

COLLEGE STATION, Texas -- Maybe it's time to abandon all hope. Political Correctness appears to have suffused the land. That conclusion comes from the fact that Texas A&M University, once a bastion of good sense, better engineers and great soldiers, has removed a portrait of former A&M President Gilbert "Gibb" Gilchrist. Why? Because Gilchrist's portrait contained an image of one of his heroes, Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee. The portrait was painted in the early 1950s. Gilchrist died in 1972, well before he could have known that people who don't hate Lee are adjudged by many people to personify evil.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- The state of Texas is less than a week away from ridding itself of Gary Graham, a malignant little murderer convicted after he managed to terrorize Houston all by himself. However, poisonous snakes have their defenders and so does Gary Graham. His chief cheerleader is actor Danny Glover, who contends Graham is the victim of a flawed justice system. "What are we afraid of?" Glover whined. An easy answer would be: "Gary Graham." Graham's epic crime spree climaxed with the 1981 murder of a man in Houston. (The robbery netted less than a hundred bucks.) Graham since has proclaimed he is Shaka Sankofa and has attracted support from deep thinkers such as Glover and Spike Lee. A chip off the old cellblock, Graham's son recently was charged with murder.

NEW YORK -- Mayor Rudy Giuliani moved up in the contest for Bonehead Mayor of the Ages when he tried, and failed, to react to an horrific incident in which minority youths sexually assaulted, groped and robbed young women in Central Park. Giuliani said Central Park is a very safe place. He moved up on the list, but still ranks well behind former Washington Mayor Marion Berry, who proclaimed Washington one of the safest places in the country, once murders were subtracted from the crime totals. Meanwhile, the man most responsible for police inaction in the park debacle, racist Rev. Al Sharpton, said two young woman victims are suing New York for a total of $10 billion. Sharpton is expected to accuse New York police of racial profiling, because all 60 apparent criminals in the Central Park affair appear to be minorities.

MEMPHIS, Tennessee -- The heirs of slain civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr., called for the real killer of Dr. King to return to Memphis and leave some DNA at the crime scene. "The Clinton Justice Department has concluded that a redneck clown, acting alone, killed Dr. King, and that obviously means there was a vast conspiracy of some sort," said a King heir.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Since Texas A&M has become Politically Correct, should we now refer to Aggies as Agro-Americans?

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