June 26, 2000 -

GARY'S GONE!

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Alfred E. Newman is in the woodshed; there's Monica and cancer research;

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and more. Now, the details...

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- The state of Texas rid itself of a malignant racist killer this week when Gary Graham met the Merciful Needle, 19 years after he was a one-man crime wave that terrorized Houston and left 23 victims in his wake. All of Graham's victims were melanin-deficient, which led the Rev. Jesse Jackson and a gaggle of fools calling themselves the New Black Panthers to proclaim Graham an innocent man. Innocent, they said, of the May 13, 1981, murder of Bobby Lambert, gunned down in the parking lot of a Houston grocery store. Even before Graham assumed room temperature, intellectual statisticians decried the fact that the television coverage of Graham ensured that Jesse Jackson would visit Texas Death Row. "Nothing against the Reverend, but his presence downgraded the aggregate I.Q. of Death Row, which is low enough already," said Brain Dedde, head of Texans for Brighter Killers. Seeking to cement his standing as America's Premier Idiot, Jackson asked that Gov. George W. Bush reprieve Graham or "pull the switch" at the execution. We don't know if Jesse had enough power of cognition to notice that nobody pulled a switch to rid the world of Gary Graham.

Jackson referred to Bush as "Pontius Pilate," which presumably means he regarded Graham as Jesus. Jackson aides said the Reverend might return to Texas within three days of the execution to see if Gary rises from the dead. Aides said Governor Bush hoped to have a conversation with Jackson. The governor's campaign for the presidency brings him into contact with thousands of intelligent people. A Jackson meeting would be a chance to meet with a certifiable idiot.

WASHINGTON -- It was almost as if we were watching Alfred E. Newman getting his butt whipped, but it was still a watershed moment for the Clinton Era. Energy Secretary Bill Richardson took his strapping almost like a man in a Senate committee hearing on those secret-laden hard drives that somehow drove themselves out of a supposed high-security area at Los Alamos. Missing was the standard Clintonian sneering arrogance. "Richardson's tack was a big tactical mistake," James Carville yelped. "He shudda/oughta have come out fighting. This whole deal is about hard drives, right? And Richardson works for Yoah Prezdent. This means that the whole deal is about sex. Evuhbody knows Yoah Prezdent has a 100 gig hard drive. Ain't nothin' but sex!"

WASHINGTON -- A new Clinton Defense opened up this week when Congress approved spending $3 million for cancer research. The money is earmarked, if that's the proper word, for studies on using tobacco plants to develop a vaccine against cervical cancer. "The record now can be made clear. The President wasn't doing anything sexual with Monica Lewinsky with that cigar. He was trying to save the poh chile from cancer of the cervix," said Clinton Attack Lizard Carville. In New York, former Clinton Humidor Monica Lewinsky canceled a medical appointment for a pap smear.

WASHINGTON -- Algore blamed record high gasoline prices on Gov. George W. Bush. "I come from Tennessee, which doesn't produce oil. Governor Bush comes from Texas, which produces oil. That much is clear," Algore said. Algore said he invented low gasoline prices, while Bush and other evil Republicans invented high prices. Algore said the fact that he is a major shareholder in Occidental Petroleum doesn't mean he is profiting from high gasoline prices. "I think I had drunk too much iced tea and was taking a potty break when somebody bought all that Occidental stock," Algore said. He said he has asked Energy Secretary Bill Richardson to investigate and find out who got the half-million dollars worth of Oxy stock without his knowing it.

LONDON -- Coming soon: The Glympton Hillbillies. Brit security forces say Yoah Prezdent is shopping for a home in the Oxfordshire countryside, concentrating on Glympton, a village 12 miles north of Oxford. Glympton signmakers are preparing banners to welcome "The Blimp from Glymp."

WHITE PLAINS, New York -- Lesbian icon Billie Jean King has been named coach of the 2000 U.S. Olympic women's tennis team. Ms. King is expected to concentrate her peculiar talents on mixed singles.

WASHINGTON -- Secretary of State Madeleine Halfbright hasn't brought much to her job - but she has produced a watershed in political correctness. Ms. Halfbright announced in a National Public Radio interview that America is banning the term "rogue states" to refer to nasty, warlike, missile-menace countries. From now on, "rogue states" will be known in Halfbright vernacular as "states of concern." A senior State Department professional said Ms. Halfbright's policy had immediate effects. "Our sources tell us Saddam Hussein laughed so hard that he got a hernia."

SAN LEANDRO, California -- Murder charges were filed against Stuart Alexander, 39, who apparently went postal and killed three government meat inspectors at his Santos Linguisa Factory. Alexander's business reopened recently after being closed for alleged health violations. Federal officials said more charges will be filed against Alexander if the bodies of the three victims test positive for salmonella.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: When one pathological liar marries another pathological liar, what do you call the child? Answer: Chelsea.

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