July 3, 2000 -

ROCKING & ROILING!

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Big John's arm speaks; gays squeak; Algore needs a memory tweak; and then there are freaks.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

NEW YORK -- New York City dispatched about a thousand cops to maintain some semblance of order when those sophisticated Mets baseball fans got a chance to throw debris at Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker. Rocker had the last laugh on the bush-league crowd, letting his major-league fastball do his talking as he saved the game for the Braves. If New Yorkers really want to punish Rocker, they should dress him in a tank top and wig and make him walk through the crowd at next year's Puerto Rican Day parade.

NEWARK, New Jersey -- Proponents of having homosexuals serve as leaders of Boy Scout troops were enraged when the U.S. Supreme Court, by the usual razor-thin margin between right and wrong, said the Scouts were not obligated to allow gays to serve as scoutmasters. The case came to the Supreme Court from New Jersey. "We beat California to the court on this one and we were proud. It's disgusting to lose after we were so high. We were hoping for a fairy-tale ending," said Lyte Lohfers of Jersey Eagle Spotters, a gay scout leader support group. "We just wanted the right to help people in rearing their little boys," Lohfers said.

WASHINGTON -- All computer users know that "memory" is very important. And it appears that Algore used most of what God gave him while he was inventing the Internet. Algore's memory failed him 85 times (or about once every three minutes) while FBI agents were questioning him about his role in various Clinton-era campaign-finance scandals. Small wonder that the President and Algore want to increase funding for Alzheimer's research. Caught in a private moment, Clinton misunderstood a question about Algore's memory lapses. "I love mammaries," the President said, "but if they hang down into their lapses then I don't give them internships."

MIAMI -- The Elian Gonzalez contingent flew high back to the Communist paradise in a jet chartered by a Miami Hillaryista with ties to a convicted drug smuggler. Vivian Mannerud Verble, head of the air-charter company, got back a $22,000 donation to Hillary's Senate campaign when it became known that she is linked to a convicted drug smuggler. Meanwhile, the First Lady is working on a supplemental chapter to her book on children. This one will be titled, "It Takes a Druggie to Fly a Child."

WASHINGTON -- Attorney General Janet Reno said she hoped all along that Elian Gonzalez's father would decide to remain in the United States with his son. "I thought that by demonstrating the full force of 50 armed federal goons yanking a 6-year-old would bring home to him the brutality of the Castro Regime," she said.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- With no particular "support group" in evidence, mass killer Jessy Carlos San Miguel met the cleansing needle Thursday on Texas Death Row. Jessy was 28 when he became the fifth Texas slimeball put to death in June - and the 24th of the year. At age 19, Jessy gunned down four people at a Taco Bell restaurant in the Dallas suburb of Irving. Jessy told a jailer before his conviction: "The only reason why I killed those people is they couldn't make good Mexican food." Try the salsa in Hell, Jessy. I hear it's hot.

HOUSTON -- Rev. Jesse Jackson showed up for the memorial service for Gary Graham - a nightmare of a man who was executed on June 23. Jackson had referred to Texas Gov. George W. Bush as "Pontius Pilate" for not calling off Graham's execution, which he had no sole power to do. But the Biblical reference presumably elevated Graham to the status of Jesus Christ, at least in the minds of the very brain dead. However, three days being, well, three days, Graham should have arisen from the dead well before Jackson and other lamebrains gathered to celebrate his evil life and lament his assertedly untimely death. A Jackson intimate said the Reverend might hang around Graham's gravesite for a few weeks - just in case he indeed returns. "Jesse doesn't really expect him to come, but he knows it beats working for a living," said Moocha Spongee of the Jackson entourage.

DENVER -- Natural-born killer Charles Harrelson, who made a good living as an assassin until he took an assignment to murder a federal judge, got a court hearing on his contention that perjured testimony was involved in his 1982 conviction. Harrelson's primary hope is continued news coverage because his son is Woody, a movie star. "We've tried to get Jesse Jackson interested in helping us but he hasn't returned our calls," said a Harrelson friend, who added: "If Jesse can help Charles beat this conviction, Charles will take care of Gov. George W. Bush for no fee."

LOS ANGELES -- The midget is restless. Alleged comedian Bill Maher of ABC's most misnamed show (Politically Incorrect) was a featured item at a fund- raiser for the Democratic National Committee. Understand that Maher occasionally proclaims his politics to be "Libertarian." That's possible. It's also possible that I am chief of staff for the Iraqi Republican Guard.

WASHINGTON -- So-called Native Americans are meeting the Washington Redskins in federal court to decide whether the Washington Redskins' team name is a racial slur. Legal experts theorize that the present Supreme Court will favor the team, by a 5-4 vote, if the case gets that far.

TOW, Texas -- The Supreme Court has ruled that students may not lead a stadium crowd in prayer at a public high school football game. However, legal experts say the ruling probably will not mean children won't pray before math tests.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If trigger locks are so damned effective, why do the manufacturers sternly warn customers not to install them - unless the gun is unloaded?

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