July 10, 2000 -

HERALDIC HAPPYCARS!

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Subaru's the one; There's keeping the peace; and your crack Border Patrol on the job.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- An ad campaign by Subaru asserts rather openly that its vehicles should be the automobiles of choice for homosexuals. New Subaru posters read: "It's Not a Choice. It's the Way We're Built." One of the fathers of the ads says: "It's apparent to gay people that we're talking about being gay, but straight people don't know what's going on." Subaru executives say the gay-friendly cars are selling well in the homosexual community, despite some safety issues. "We have found that Subaru drivers are often ticketed for following too close and that the vehicles also are prone to rear-end collisions," said company executive Melinda Muddle. New Subaru vehicles on the drawing board include the Subaru Bondage and the four-wheel drive Subaru Bull - an SUV aimed at the growing market of upscale lesbians.

NASHVILLE -- Despite some difficulty in recruiting, Algore appears to have staffed his campaign with people who aren't brighter than he is. Witness the letter from Algore campaign manager Donna Brazile to Johnny Chung, a key Clinton-Gore accuser in the campaign-finance scandals. A handwritten portion of a letter to Chung states: "Mr. Chung, your contribution of $250, $500 or more will help ensure victory in November." Asked for comment, Ms. Brazile floorboarded her Subaru and sped away.

NEW YORK -- Oops. The U.N. says its numerous "peacekeepers" in foreign lands are bringing home the AIDS virus after keeping a peace here and a peace there. The U.N. issues one condom a day to its peacekeepers and urges them not to patronize brothels or "engage in sexual activity that is not locally permitted." A spokesthing for a French peacekeeping force said one problem with the program is the "one size fits all" condom program. "French soldiers rebel if condoms aren't labeled `jumbo.' And our men report the standard condoms are improperly sized. The average Frenchman loses his because it is too loose."

LAREDO, Texas -- After only a year, crack Border Patrol agents figured out that those teams of bicycle riders zipping past checkpoints might not be bicycle racers. The Border Patrol suspicions came to fruition on Independence Day, when two illegal immigrants were arrested. Smugglers provided the bikes and racing helmets and jerseys for a mere $1,500 per illegal. The Border Patrol planned a party to commemorate the intelligence breakthrough but agents had to stand aside while 2,000 Mexicans went past on roller blades.

WASHINGTON -- In an innovative pander to Hispanics, Your President plans to postpone the first federal execution in nearly 40 years. The First Perjurer is said to have grave concerns about the racial breakdown of condemned federal inmates and also worries that several geographic areas send most of the would-be customers to federal Death Row. The unlikely recipient of Clinton's nervousness is Juan Raul Garza, who was convicted seven years ago of three drug-related murders. Even Garza's lawyers won't argue that he is innocent. Their plea is that too many minorities get the death penalty. Also, five federal jurisdictions account for most federal capital cases. Clinton is expected to commission Vice President Algore to reinvent crime. "What we need is for places like Montana, which have very few drug dealers, to take a few thousand from, say, New York, so the geographical dispersion will be more acceptable," said P.C. Dorque, a Clinton advisor.

MEXICO CITY -- Another candidate advised by James Carville went down to humiliating defeat. Carville's client this time had been an apparent shoo-in for Mexico's presidency. In Washington, Carville's No. 1 booster said he might issue an executive order declaring the Attack Lizard to be an endangered species. "James has done so much good for America that it is shameful to see his foreign clients get whomped," Clinton said. With typical grace, Carville blamed his losing streak on Ken Starr, Newt Gingrich, George W. Bush and Paula Jones.

WASHINGTON -- The Washington Post devoted more than 1,000 words to the murder of Kevin Shifflett without once mentioning that it appears to have been a hate crime. A note, written on the back of a memo from the Virginia Department of Corrections, read: "Kill them raceess whiate kidd's anyway." Police said the note was left in an Alexandria hotel by a 29-year-old African-American previously charged with racially motivated attacks on melanin-deficient victims. A witness said the man yelled something about hating white people before he slashed the third-grader's neck. Investigators are trying to find DNA to link the man to the slaying and to establish whether he graduated with honors from a public school.

LITTLE ROCK -- Americans were aghast this week when they were informed that a Clinton-appointed Arkansas judge had stepped aside from the First Perjurer's disbarment case because the judge helped to write Arkansas' ethics laws. The event marks the first public revelation that Arkansas has ethics laws.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Have you been married for a long time if you use the men's restroom in a bar, then make certain the toilet seat is down before you leave?

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