July 17, 2000 -

KINETIC KISSOGRAPHY!

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Hillary maybe can kiss off some New Yorkers; DNA tests nail another killer; and then there's the woman with the brain of a butterfly.

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Those and more...

NEW YORK -- In Clintonland, it seems, a kiss is not a kiss. The New Dork Times reports that Hillary Clinton made "her most detailed explanation yet" of why she kissed Suha Arafat, wife of Yasir, even after Mrs. Arafat said the evil Israelis had used toxic gas on Palestinian women and children. Hillary said "a kiss is a handshake" in the Middle East. That was about the sum of what the mighty Times found to be "detailed." However, Hillary's story drew some support from Ms. Monica Lewinsky, former Shop-Vac to Bill. "The Big Creep said kissing all manner of things, sort of, was kinda like a handshake. At least that's what he told Ken whatsisface," she said. In New York, several Jewish voters opined that Mrs. Clinton could handshake their butts.

Another problem bubbled for Mrs. Clinton with leaked information on an upcoming Clinton book, which quotes a campaign official as describing an angry attack by Hillary in which she screamed, "You f---ing Jew bastard." Campaign staffers met in emergency session. "We need to find a solution to the Jewish problem," said Leftie Fascist of the Clinton Senate campaign.

WACO, Texas -- A Waco jury took a scant 2.5 hours to find that the $675 million wrongful death lawsuit filed in the self-immolations of nutball David Koresh and his merry band was pretty much of a laugher. Survivors and heirs of the 80-odd (all but the innocent children were quite odd, actually) Branch Davidians sued in federal court, contending the government started the fire that destroyed the Davidians' Mount Carmel compound. However, Branch Davidians said a Florida jury's multibillion-dollar award in favor of smokers gave them hope. "We might go to Florida and sue the tobacco companies. We're pretty certain many of the people in Mount Carmel died from secondhand smoke," said Knutte Balle, a Branch Davidian adviser.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Maybe DNA's just another word for nothing left to lose. As most thinking people suspected, DNA tests in the case of Ricky McGinn prove somewhat conclusively that Ricky is the man who raped and murdered Stephanie Flanary, Ricky's 12-year-old stepdaughter. Ricky became an icon for anti death-penalty zealots because DNA tests had not been performed in Miss Flanary's death. Ricky's iconic status came despite the fact that his semen was found in the body of Christi Jo Eggers, a mentally impaired 19-year-old found raped and beaten to death in a Brownwood cemetery on Nov. 27, 1992. Governor George W. Bush granted a delay in Ricky's well-earned date with the Cleansing Needle while the tests were performed. The delay brought an undeserved few extra months of life to McGinn, whose new execution date will have to be set.

I have a proposal to stave off similarly phony DNA appeals that might allow future Ricky McGinns to keep breathing longer than is necessary. States should require that any DNA-based appeals in capital cases be filed within several months of a conviction and sentencing. As of now, capital-punishment opponents routinely begin howling for DNA testing just before the societal scumbucket is approaching the moment he is to assume room temperature.

SAN FRANCISCO -- Julia (Butterfly) Hill, whose lame brain apparently suffered further damage when she lived in a tree for more than two years, says she is being exploited. Butterfly fluttered atop a 1,000-year-old redwood (she named it "Luna") in an anti-logging protest. But now AT&T and OmniSky Corp. are using a Butterfly-styled character in a commercial aimed at selling Internet service to Butterflitters. Butterfly's lawyers have filed suit. "Her likeness is unique and even the air in her head is patented. We call for wackos everywhere to lash themselves to cellular towers in protest," said Trei Huggre, a Butterfly-by. Ms. Hill had large electric fans blowing into both ears and could not respond to questions about the lawsuit.

LOS ALAMOS, New Mexico -- The Clintonistas are defending their widespread dissemination of America's nuclear-weapons secrets. It seems the White House repealed key regulations designed to protect classified information, then forgot to replace them with anything. "The evil Republicans were after us and we were too busy classifying information about Monica Lewinsky. It's all they fault," said Clinton Attack Lizard James Carville.

TOW, Texas -- I'm in sympathetic agony over Clinton's deep concerns about the racial dispersion of the federal death penalty. I'm told that 21 men are sentenced to die. Fourteen are African-American, three Hispanic, one Asian and three white. But the numbers can be adjusted so that racial disparity is eliminated. One way to balance the ratios between blacks and whites would be to sentence about 93 more Anglos to death row. Possibly volunteers could be found in the Clinton Administration so that the government death house could "look like America."

And while we're at it, let's discuss the Census Bureau. We own a property at 131 Alexander Drive, Tow, Texas. Months ago, a Census Bureau supervisor called to ask if anyone lived there year-round. I said no. Her boss called back, asking the same question. I gave the same answer. Another Census Bureau worker also called with the same question and the same answer. One of these fools came out to "see for myself" that no one lived there. I assured her that her lying eyes were telling the truth: no one lives there. Another Census Bureau employee showed up in a few days to check on 131 Alexander Drive. Same answer. On July 10, a large lady showed up to ask about 131 Alexander Drive. I said, "No one lives there! DON'T COME BACK!" Please visit me in jail when the Census Bureau cops grab me for obstructing the "actual enumeration" the Constitution requires.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Since Bill and Hillary seem to have problems with the English language and Jewish people, are they both anti-semantic and anti- Semitic?

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