July 24, 2000 -

BAYOU BRAINDEATHOGRAPHY!

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The Mayor is confused; George disses Dave; and there's Mad Cow.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

HOUSTON -- Those close to Houston Mayor Lee Brown are on tenterhooks, afraid that Democrat Brown will learn that the Algore campaign slimed Houston in a factually challenged broadside against the State of Texas. The Democratic National Committee reported, for instance, that Houston has the lowest child-immunization rate in the nation and is a veritable epidemic on the bayous. The Houston information isn't completely erroneous but Houston is about the same as such Algore-loving cities as Newark and Detroit, which also have Democratic mayors. "There's a chance that Lee might never snap to it," said one Brown confidante. He pointed out that Brown was Chief of Police in New York City and didn't notice that the city became the crime capital of America while he was there. "There's that, and then the fact that Lee is always a tad on the slow side. You'll remember that Lee showed up at his polling place to vote in the Democratic runoffs in 1998 and there weren't any runoffs."

AUSTIN, Texas -- Governor George W. Bush runs the risk of offending the substantial American idiot vote by turning down a chance to debate Algore with gap-toothed simpleton David Letterman as the moderator on his "Late Show." Cornelia Cretin, president of Delaware Dimwits, said Bush should accept the invitation. "Us mentally challenged peoples counts, also," Cretin said, "we just takes a while and we doesn't count real high, tho." In Houston, Mayor Lee Brown said he would look forward to a Bush/Gore debate on the Letterman show.

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas -- It would seem that about half of Arkansas will lust to learn what David Letterman has to say in a presidential debate. That conclusion comes because 58 percent of Arkansans think President Clinton has done a good job as President -- but 47 percent also believe he doesn't have the character to be a lawyer in Arkansas. In all fairness, I should note that Arkansans might not trust Clinton to handle the thorniest legal question that comes up, that being: If you get a divorce in Arkansas, does that mean you're no longer first cousins?

CHAPPAQUA, N.Y. -- The Hillary campaign hints that the evil George W. Bush and Rick Lazio might be behind the story that she lashed out 26 years ago at a man she called a "f---ing Jew bastard." Said a Hillary insider: "If you think about it, the remark is known in shorthand now as Hillary's `FJB' comment. Now FJB sounds a lot like GWB, doesn't it?" In New York, David Letterman promised to ask Bush about the coincidence if he gets to moderate a Bush-Gore debate.

LONDON -- There are disquieting reports from England that deaths from the human form of Mad Cow disease are increasing 30 percent annually and might eventually total thousands of people a year. American talk-show blubbermouth Rosie O'Donnell canceled a planned visit to London when she heard the news.

SHERMAN OAKS, California -- A reader in California finds I was incomplete in my modest suggestion that DNA appeals be filed expeditiously. I was speaking of new appeals. He says appeals of pending cases -- where DNA is always the last-ditch of offense against the death penalty -- also should be changed. His proposal is that death row DNA appeals still be allowed, with a slight catch. That being that the scumbucket whose DNA appeal PROVES his guilt be executed the morning after the results are in. I like it. If that were the law now, murderer Ricky McGinn wouldn't be pilfering perfectly good oxygen.

NASHVILLE, Tennessee -- One wonders, from Algore's problems with a simple question, whether he is a survivor of a failed partial-birth abortion. Asked on a Sunday if the execution of a convicted pregnant woman should be delayed until after she had the baby, Algore said he would have to think about it. After he thought about it, he said he thinks it is up to the woman -- not the state. George W. Bush says he would postpone the execution of a pregnant woman until she has the baby, then would execute its murderous momma. There are many of us who aren't hard core on the "life" issue, but isn't there something unsettling about giving a murdering woman the right to decide whether to kill yet another innocent person?

THURMONT, Maryland -- Monica Lewinsky sobbed when she read a newspaper report of Clinton's woes with the PLO-Israeli peace talks. "It says he says the peace talks are the `hardest thing I've ever seen.' I, like, wish I could, like, be there to, like, help," she whined.

TOW, Texas -- Fresh from a repair shop in Houston, a customer at Cottonwood Cove Resort gave me a new definition of the word "boat." He says it's an acronym for "Break Out Another Thousand."

McALESTER, Oklahoma -- Gregg Francis Braun breathed his last Thursday morning, 11 years after he killed his first (of five) victims. Braun said the first killing made him want to kill again. Oklahoma prison officials said Braun regretted that he would never have another chance to watch Letterman.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Would someone ask Algore what I should do when I need to take a potty break on the information superhighway?

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