July 31, 2000 -

BOUNTIFUL BIGOTRY!

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Hillary has a plan; Matt moves up on Dave; and Algore is about to make his move.

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Those, and more. Now, the details...

TEL AVIV -- Sources say Hillary Clinton has a secret plan to reclaim Jewish voters who might be somewhat nettled about her "f---ing Jewish bastard" comment of years ago. "Yes, Hillary has done a lot to support Palestinian terrorists over the years. Yes, Hillary hugged Mrs. Yasser Arafat after Palestine's Second Terrorist accused the Israelis of gassing women and children. Yes, Hillary is somewhat anti-Semitic, but she will fly to the Middle East soon where she will issue a statement calling Arafat a `f---ing raghead slimeball'," said Wolfie Howardson, a Hillary handler.

NEW YORK -- Fearing that CBS and David Letterman are gaining in the all- important sheiskopf sweepstakes ratings, NBC tuned up Today co-host Matt Lauer to make an ass of himself in interviewing Republican VP candidate Dick Cheney. "Matt did a superlative job. It was obvious to sheiskopf viewers that Matt is at least as big a fool as Letterman," said Scumm Sukker, a Today producer. Sukker said Lauer deserves a bonus for asking Cheney what he thought about a court ruling on Napster, an Internet site arguably devoted to stealing music. "Cheney looked at Matt as if to say, `you're an idiot' and that's the image we need if we are to attract the Letterman fans," he said.

NASHVILLE, Tennessee -- Algoreistas were ecstatic over the results of a CNN-USA Today poll showing George W. Bush now leading Algore by only 14 percentage points in a head-to-head race for the Presidency. "We've got him right where we want him," said Swiche LaGrone, a Gore spokesthing. "Bush only got four or five percentage points by picking Dick Cheney as his running mate. When the time is ripe we will wipe him out with our VP pick, who will be a young, but mature, kindly, non-threatening, pro-abortion, anti-capitalist, growth- oriented, people-loving, African-American, Hispanic bisexual, with a Jewish grandmother, who loves children, is an environmentalist, and is a former union laborer who drives a fuel-efficient automobile and is not a member of the National Rifle Association."

Meanwhile, Algore reached out to the important Walking-Dead voting bloc by appearing with Warren Christopher, the almost-lifeless former Secretary of State who heads the Algore VP search operation. "Voters rapidly approaching room temperature see Algore and Warren Christopher together and realize that Algore is the candidate who is closest to the nearly dead," said Riggur Mortiss of the Algore campaign. Asked by a reporter for Coroner's Weekly for the names on the Algore short list, Christopher muttered "Robert Reich" before resuming his afternoon nap in a traveling casket. Asked for comment, Reich said he is not bisexual.

WACO, Texas -- Veteran Clintonistas discount reports that Your President and Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno discussed Stonewall's battle plan for storming the Branch Davidians in 1993. "Actually, Bill had heard there were a couple of good-looking broads inside the compound and told Ms. Reno he would volunteer to conduct a full-fledged Presidential frontal assault, if that happened to be true." The source said the President accepted Ms. Reno's conclusion that the women weren't the President's type - or hers, either.

WEST HOLLYWOOD, California -- West Hollywood, one of the many havens for the gay lifestyle, will temporarily rename Clinton Avenue as "Bill Clinton Avenue" in order to get some presidential attention during the Democratic National Convention. West Hollywoodheads also are mulling plans to create Kneepad Court in order to attract SuperStar Shop-Vac Monica Lewinsky.

MADISON, Wisconsin -- Monica Lewinsky, Rosie O'Donnell and Oprah Winfrey were quarantined after researchers at the University of Wisconsin found indications that mice and chickens infected with a common human virus put on more weight than uninfected animals. Contacted at a New York pizza joint, Ms. Lewinsky said, "Like, maybe I can get a, you know, shot."

NEW YORK -- Reporter Tom DeFrank of the New York Daily news gave the Algore campaign ammunition to use against Dick Cheney. Telling a TV interviewer that Cheney is a nice guy who likes to play jokes, DeFrank said Cheney had the Secret Service put a sheep in his (DeFrank's) hotel room in 1976 when Cheney was White House Chief of Staff. "We believe this tells America that Mr. Cheney is an evil right-winger who endorses having sexual relations with animals," said Priscilla Porque of Algore's Council of Animal Husbandry. Ms. Monica Lewinsky had an appointment with a veterinarian and was not available for comment.

On a not-necessarily-unrelated topic, a former intern in the office of Massachusetts Sen. Ted Kennedy plans to appear in an upcoming edition of Hustler magazine and plans to tell of "encounters" with "various public figures." The Senator was viewing a film on the sexual practices of white whales and was not available for comment.

BURLINGTON, Vermont -- More than half the 15 Republican state representatives who voted for Vermont's first-in-the-nation law recognizing same-sex "civil unions" drew opponents for their party's Sept. 12 primary. One Vermont Republican said he believes the issue is overblown. "I talked it over with my wife, and Lance thinks same-sex marriages are a good idea," he said.

WASHINGTON -- Question: When does a "trigger lock" become a "gunlock?" Answer: When it doesn't work. News reports say Master Lock Co. is recalling 752,000 "gunlocks" because they can be manually opened by chirren and others without a key. In point of fact, the Master Lock device is a "trigger lock," not a gunlock. "This is disastrous. The Master Lock trigger lock is so easy to manipulate that Gov. Parris Glendenning of Maryland was able to unlock a gun in only three hours," said Hipp Chuter of the President's Council on Handgun Safety. The Consumer Product Safety Commission said Master Lock sold the defective trigger locks on Walther and Smith & Wesson handguns. The CPSC said it will insist that the modified trigger lock be foolproof. "We plan to put Gov. Glendenning in a room for eight hours. If he can't shoot himself in the foot by the end of that time period, we will declare the trigger locks to be foolproof," a CPSC spokesthing said.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Algore indeed becomes President and pardons Clinton, will he change Jerry Ford's line and say: "Our long national orgasm is over?"

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