August 7, 2000 -

GALLOPING GEORGEISMS!

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Dubya wows 'em; Algore is green with envy (or is it DNA?) and the Brady Law works like a well-oiled cotton swab.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

PITTSBURGH -- Algore supporters lashed out after a Bush operative noted the Governor came out of the Republican convention with an 18-point lead and said, "we want to make certain we don't blow it." Prissy LaGrone, a Gore spokesfink, said the statement "amounts to still another thinly veiled personal attack on President Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky situation." LaGrone said Bush should voluntarily commit to a five-day waiting period before saying anything about the Clinton/Gore administration. LaGrone said Algore could not respond personally because he is hard at work inventing the Extranet.

ROSWELL, New Mexico -- A spokesman for the Intergalactic Association of Little Green Persons reacted angrily to a joke that Algore was born nine months, to the day, after aliens landed in Roswell. "We might be scum-sucking creatures from the bowels of hell, but there is no excuse for such a libel on an entire species of little green men and women," said Artoo Deepthroat, association president. Deepthroat admitted, however, that space aliens cooperated with Algore in inventing the Internet. "And in the spirit of full disclosure, one of our members once had too much to drink and had sexual relations with an alligator in Louisiana, but that in no way proves we are responsible for James Carville," he said.

BOSTON -- To the surprise of only the very brain dead, a study by the American Medical Association shows that the Brady handgun law has had as much of an effect on gun violence as Algore has had on the Internet. None, in short. Glock Grabbur, president of an anti-gun group, reacted harshly. "I'd like to shoot the sonofabitch who released that study," he/she/it said. The study said the only measurable effect of the Brady Law so far has been a reduction in suicides among adults 55 and older. Seeking to rehabilitate the image of the Brady Law, supporters suggested expanding its provisions to require a five-day waiting period before President Clinton meets a White House intern.

WASHINGTON -- The Brady Law notwithstanding, the United States Postal Service announced a plan that might significantly reduce gun violence. The mail manglers are gingerly studying a variety of electronic-mail services for Americans, including one that would assign virtually everyone an e-mail address. "Postal workers everywhere support e-mail delivery," said Winchester Cheepshotte, president of the Postal Workers Firing Squad. "Postal pests everywhere are tired of carrying AK-47s and banana clips just to knock off a few supervisors and customers," Cheepshotte said. USPS bigwigs said the e-mail service will comply with the five-day waiting period required by the Brady Law. "If customers don't like the delay, we'll just shoot 'em an e-mail, so to speak," Cheepshotte chortled.

PHILADELPHIA -- Apparently we need to stop The Associated Press before it kills again. Granted that AP hasn't killed any still-living being since it tried to get rid of Bob Hope months ago, but AP filed a story from Philadelphia reading: "The death of the former President Gerald Ford dampened spirits slightly at an otherwise jubilant G-O-P celebration, where he had been saluted just a day earlier." The AP then filed a "bulletin kill" to kill its killer scoop. "Former President Ford is not dead. A kill is mandatory. A sub will be filed shortly." AP executives said they are considering a voluntary submission to the Brady Law. "We will adopt a five-day waiting period before we again kill someone whose body temperature is higher than Algore's IQ," said an AP flack.

BOSTON -- Ah, poor Dick Armey. The House Majority Leader is in PC trouble again - for another joke about the openly gay Rep. Barney Frank. Armey was excoriated in 1995 when he called Frank "Barney Fag." This time, he was joking with humorist Dave Barry at the Republican convention when he was asked: "Are you the real Dick Armey?" Armey said he was, adding: "...and if there is a dick army, Barney Frank would like to join up." Representative Frank was turning over a new Page in his House office and was not available for comment.

DURANGO, Colorado -- The Colorado Legislature is expected to enact a five-day waiting period before Texans with four-wheel drive vehicles can try to drive up a mountain slope. Alan and Gary Hatcher didn't take heed of the fact that they were approaching a 60 percent slope while driving up a path in the San Juan Mountains of southwest Colorado. Each brother faces a $300 fine, but that's the least of it. Colorado officials say the trucks will be removed -- at a probable cost of $16,000 -- with the bill to go to Alan and Gary.

ATLANTA -- Trying to fill the void created by fraudulent hopes for the Brady Law, the Centers for Disease Control announced that "stalking" might be a public health hazard. The CDC discarded the silly thought of studying law enforcement records, instead basing its data on telephone interviews with 1,171 women in Louisiana. Kamilia Koonask, one of the survey respondents, said she misunderstood the questions about "stalkings." "Me, I think they was axing whether I wear pantyhose," she said. The CDC is expected to recommend a federal law prohibiting following anyone for five days, either in a pirogue or by car or on foot.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Does Barney Frank vote for unlimited appropriations for the Army facility at Ft. Dix?

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