August 14, 2000 -

BOUNTIFUL BREATHDEATHOGRAPHY!

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Texas gets rid of two more; Hillary welcomes Joe; Jesse Jackson gets a medal.

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Those, and more. Now, the details...

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- To the utter horror of the New Dork Times and other anti-death penalty activists, Texas rid itself of two more oxygen thieves in the death chamber. The latest murderers to assume ambient temperature were Oliver David Cruz and Brian Keith Roberson. Cruz raped and murdered Kelly Elizabeth Donovan, just for the hell of it. Roberson killed an elderly couple who had befriended him when they wouldn't give him any more money. Cruz stirred the hearts of the antis because his I.Q. was somewhat lower than Jesse Jackson's.

NEW YORK -- Hillary Clinton welcomed Sen. Joseph Lieberman as Algore's running mate. An aide in Hillary's candidacy for the Senate said Mrs. Clinton has always effused about Lieberman. "I have heard her say quite often that Joe is one of her favorite FJBs," the aide said. Many Democrats joined in supporting Lieberman but some worried that the choice might be a risky Jewish scheme for Algore.

WASHINGTON -- Keeping a straight face, Your President praised the "keen intellect and loving heart" of the Rev. Jesse Jackson in a group award of the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Jackson said he plans to wear the medal proudly. "It will be on my chest when I go to Hymietown to campaign for Hillary, Algore and Joe Lieberman," Jackson said. Jackson distinguished himself further by telling an unknowing world that Sen. Lieberman is a "person of color." Jackson said Lieberman's VP selection is the result of "affirmative action."

Putative Reform Party nominee Pat Buchanan chose Ezola Foster, an African-American, to be his running mate. Foster, 62, is a stern advocate of family values and an equally stern opponent of illegal immigration. Rev. Jackson presumably believes she is Jewish.

DALLAS -- The NAACP elevated the median I.Q. of its Dallas Chapter by getting rid of racist Lee Alcorn, chapter president, after he said he doesn't care much for Jews because they have too much money. Trying to mend fences in the brouhaha that followed, Alcorn sputtered that some of his best friends are Jewish.

NEW YORK -- The gap-toothed fool is getting a little rougher. David Letterman's production subsidiary flashed a killer graphic ("Snipers Wanted") across footage of Gov. George W. Bush accepting the Republican nomination for the presidency. The incident happened not on the Letterman show, but on that of co-dimwit Craig Kilborn, who is on the "Late, Late Show." Kilborn probably isn't bright enough to know that the graphic could be a federal crime. And CBS says he exercises complete "creative control" over the show. The Secret Service is studying personnel records to find its most mentally challenged agents so someone can talk with Kilborn at his, and Letterman's, depth. CBS said the graphic was not consistent with its "broadcast standards." That might imply CBS views it as offensive, or it is possible CBS would have preferred something more sensitive and inclusive. Maybe "Lesbian Snipers Wanted."

WASHINGTON -- A statistical study indicates that teenage pregnancies are at their lowest point in almost 60 years. Some experts say the contraction in bulging teenagers is due to fear of sexually transmitted diseases. Others attribute it to a slimmed-down travel schedule for President Clinton.

BERLIN -- President Clinton is considering moving to Germany after reading reports that nearly half the frauleins in Germany are not satisfied with the sexual prowess of their partners. "The President feels he could heal their pain," said a Clinton aide. Clinton told a church group he is "more at peace" since his problems with former White House Shop-Vac Monica Lewinsky. It's possible this is another Clinton word game. I mean, it depends on how one spells the word "peace."

AUSTIN, Texas -- Wow! The Washington-based Violence Policy Center dug hard to unearth numbers showing that people who hold concealed-handgun permits in Texas were arrested on 3,370 charges in the four years the state "carry" law has been around. Center Director Josh Sugarmann said the fact that 212,969 licensed gun toters committed 3,370 crimes (over four years, remember) proves that gun-toting Texans are a clear and present danger. Trouble with that appraisal is that even Jesse Jackson's math tutor could run a percentage and understand that 1.5824 percent of permit-holders were charged with a crime of any sort, and that over four years. Said another way, 209,599 were involved in no law breaking. State Rep.Suzanna Gratia Hupp said the figures are clear: "Somebody with a concealed-carry license is eight times less likely to be arrested for a violent crime than the general population of Texas..." Oh.

SPRING HILL, Florida -- It was May 22 and Sandra Suter was in the checkout line of the Wal-Mart when she saw a knife-wielding man cut two Wal-Mart employees trying to separate him from the VCR he was trying to pilfer. Mrs. Suter, 53, walked toward Willie J. Redding and announced: "I have a concealed weapons permit." She pulled her.40-caliber pistol from her purse and said, "Either drop the knife, or I'll shoot you." Redding had a sudden I.Q. surge and dropped the knife. Mrs. Suter's actions, naturally, drew criticism from Wal-Mart. "We want to keep our stores a pleasant place to shop, so we would never encourage our customers to arm themselves," simpered Wal-Mart spokesman Tom Williams. Maybe there's a K-Mart in Spring Hill...

SANTA FE, New Mexico -- Sculptor Linda Strong defaced a fountain she produced 21 years ago, removing a water pistol from the hand of a little boy. The sculpture was in a city park and showed a little boy with a water pistol and a girl with a hose, squirting one another. Disarmed, the boy now has a hose, too.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Assuming that New York has laws against prostitution, can the New Dork Times be arrested for its work on Hillary's Senate campaign?

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