August 21, 2000 -

MEANDERING MANIPULATIONS!

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Dan does his thing. This is Texas Day.

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Read on...

WHARTON, Texas -- Wharton is a puny pimple in the vast intellectual wasteland known as Algore's Texas and had to be as pleased as a baboon with a pre-frontal lobotomy when favorite native son, CBS newsreader Dan Rather, did his Texas deal. Rather took some time out from driving viewers away from CBS convention coverage to write a stentorian item saying the "leak" on the new Clinton grand jury came from the evil Republicans. Rather, who never cared much about reporting Monica Lewinsky's earmarks, said the story "has all the earmarks" of a politically motivated leak. Outraged, Rather noted that the three-judge panel overseeing the Independent Counsel's office "features two federal judges backed by the Jesse Helms wing of the Republican Party." Several problems with that. The grand jury story was reporting (Dan hasn't done any of that for years), not a leak. And the confessed source was Richard Cudahy, who was appointed to the federal bench by Rather's intellectual soulmate, Jimmuh Carter. The news of Cudahy came after Rather wrote: "You don't have to be a cynic to note that this has all the earmarks of a carefully orchestrated, politically motivated leak." Indeed that's true. You don't have to be a cynic to be an idiot. Dmitri Droole, a former Whartonite who is now a resident of the Texas Home for the Intellectually Impaired, applauded Rather. "I always said if that boy's brain was gasoline, it wouldn't be enough to prime a pissant's motor scooter. I'm right proud of him."

Speaking of Texas lamebrains, former Gov. Ann (Iron Hair) Richards joined Dangerous Dan in the rush to poor judgement. Ann, of course, blamed George W. Bush for the grand jury story. "I'm going to tell you that the Bush people are really good. They leak that stuff like crazy and then stand back and say `Oh, my, my, how badly they feel...and you will never find their fingerprints on it." Gov. Bush's operatives said Dan and Ann will have no impact of any kind on his decisions to expand aid to the mentally impaired in Texas.

LOS ANGELES -- Likely that the Clinton/Gore boob patrol will somehow blame the evil Republicans for the Monica Lewinsky lookalike who showed up - beret and all - at ritzy Hollywoodhead parties during the Democratic National Convention. The high point for the Shop-Vac Simulator came when she came nose to nose (well, almost) with Barbra Streisand and babbling Babs spilled her drink. A Clinton insider said he knew it wasn't the real Monica. "I offered her a cigar and she smoked it," he said.

LONG ISLAND, New York -- Lawrence C. Franco, 23, was arrested at his home and charged with making a call to the Howard Stern radio show in which he said he wanted to kill Sen. Joseph Lieberman. Sources said Franco's defense will contend that he had intended to call CBS dimwit David Letterman and apply for a job. "Letterman's production company ran a graphic over George W. Bush's picture that read "snipers wanted" and our client's call was simply a case of mistaken identity." Franco's lawyer said the mistake came because Franco had some exposure as a youth to Texas public education.

TOW, Texas -- My Texas education is kicking in again. I heard Sen. Teddy Kennedy, the Massachusetts white whale, thank his niece, Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg, "for what you have done for millions of Americans everywhere." I can't get a handle on what that might be. If someone who wasn't educated in Texas can tell me, I would appreciate it.

The best brain-dead chant from the Democratic convention came, of course, from the Rev. Jesse Jackson, America's premier iconic idiot. Jackson hit a chord with the delegates generally - not just the benighted boobs from Texas - with: "Stay out the Bushes."

ORLANDO, Florida -- Flashing monumental stupidity despite having no known ties to Texas: famed mouthpiece F. Lee Bailey. F. Lee was held in contempt of court in Florida. Federal Judge Patricia Fawsett didn't believe Bailey's story that he was broke, since at least $1 million had passed through his bank accounts in the past year. Bailey faces probable disbarment and might even lose his twin-engine Piper airplane. Bailey tried to pilfer several millions from a settlement, moving much of it to an account in the Cayman Islands. In California, semi-retired slasher O.J. Simpson said, "It's hard to find an honest lawyer these days."

LOS ANGELES -- All we needed was the Gay Boy Scout pledge to "Do a good dude daily." California delegates to the Democratic National Convention booed boy Scouts who took part in the convention's opening ceremonies. Democratic spokesmen said the booing didn't hurt the Scouts' feelings. "Most of them have relatives in Texas and they're so stupid they think that a gay scout is a happy scout," said Pedda Phille, a Los Angeles Democrat.

TOW, Texas -- A confession. Your writer was born in Texas and educated in Texas. From what I read coming out of the Algore campaign nowadays, that's not a good pedigree. Algore says Texans are idiots, more or less. They breathe polluted air, drink toxic waste and generally should be kept away from sharp objects. I have become so paranoid about being a Texan that I'm thinking of asking my Texas-born wife, Carole, to produce papers proving she's not my cousin.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Maybe Texans, per Algore, are all idiots, but isn't there always Hope? As in Hope, Arkansas?

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