September 4, 2000 -

A BOY AND HIS HO!

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New York might have a fool for mayor; and then there are developments about those Evil Boy Scouts.

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Now, the details...

USHAFA, Nigeria -- Clinton boosters were upset when they heard incomplete reports from President Fondler's Africa trip. Clinton was with a Nigerian chief, who gave Clinton a hoe. Clinton spiritual adviser Jesse Jackson demanded that the Secret Service act quickly. "It is critical that you get that ho out of there before there are pictures, or Hillary hears about her," Jackson said. Chelsea Clinton, at her dad's side, took the incident in stride. "I've never seen dad with a wooden ho before," she said, "except for the video footage of Monica Lewinsky." Clinton exhorted Nigerians to make illegal campaign contributions to defeat American Republicans. "If these sex-crazed zealots have their way, men will never be able to get a good ho," he said.

NEW YORK -- There was rib-tickling political humor last week. Geraldo Rivera announced he might run for mayor of New York City. Geraldo said he is genetically qualified, since he is Puerto Rican and Jewish. Sometimes-Jewish Senate candidate Hillary Clinton remarked that Geraldo is one of her favorite partial FJBs. Analysts were divided. "I don't know if New York is ready for a man who would sexually molest Bette Midler," said one.

And in Washington, it was learned that the Department of Interior is gathering information about Boy Scouts, trying to ascertain if your Beloved Government is associating with the evil Scouts to the extent that it violates Yoah Prezdent's executive order banning discrimination because of sexual orientation. Sources said Interior's probe is so stiff that Clinton is considering renaming the agency as the Department of Posterior.

The Clintonalgoreistas set the Internal Revenue Service on Katherine Prudhomme, the New Hampshire homemaker who had the temerity to ask Algore if he believes the First Molester indeed raped Juanita Broaddrick. Algore didn't answer the question, saying he hadn't watched much television and had heard almost nothing about Mrs. Broaddrick's accusation. The IRS denied the Clinton rape story had anything to do with its investigation of Mrs. Prudhomme. "Off the record, there have been reports that she claimed tax deductions for a sex crime - donating money to the Boy Scouts," said Buck Grabbuhr, an IRS bigwig.

NEW YORK -- Former White House Shop-Vac Monica Lewinsky is highly upset over news reports that Joe Lieberman might become the first Jew to serve below a United States President.

ROME -- Hillary Clinton is poised to make a clandestine visit to Rome to pick up the first 200 copies of Giuseppe Cirillo's invention - a 21st Century version of the chastity belt. Cirillo says his device attaches to the elastic of underwear and then the "chastity timer" takes over to record how long the undergarments have been removed. Asked why she wants 200, Mrs. Clinton said that's the estimate for the head count of current White House interns.

FORT SILL, Oklahoma -- Well, at least the army can pray for good artillery. Evil patriots somewhere in the bowels of today's Clintonalgoreized Army let out the word that today's Army training centers are sucking air. Internal documents show that more than half of the Army's 20 training centers are rated C-4 (the military's lowest ranking). On the bright side, chaplain training and special warfare got high ratings (C-2). Among the 12 Army training centers to get the lowest rating (C-4) were such wimp outfits as field artillery, infantry and aviation.

WASHINGTON -- Algore is fighting for The People, but some of the people he is fighting for aren't worth much. Democratic lawyer David Schippers, former counsel for the Republicans during the Clinton impeachment trial, says Fighting Algore fought like a tiger to grease the citizenship process for tens of thousands of new immigrants - including many who were violent criminals - so they could vote Democratic in the 1996 election. "Algore is a forgiving man who believes that even hardened criminals deserve a shot at the American Dream," said an Algore operative, adding: "Hell, one of Algore's best friends and most ardent supporters is a perjurer and a rapist."

WASHINGTON -- Times are tough for the Postal Pests. Chief of Letter Losing William Henderson says the Postal Service might be $300 million in the red by the end of September. Henderson says labor costs and other items are involved, but veteran Post Office-watchers say the Service didn't anticipate the sharp increase in funeral costs associated with mass shootings or a quantum rise in the price of body armor for USPS supervisors.

TACOMA, Washington -- Police brass hats hate hate crimes because it's apparently hateful to say minorities might have committed hate crimes. Witness Tacoma where eight youths ranging in age from 11 to 19 apparently were a marauding gang. The gangsters are suspected of a dozen "thrill" attacks, including one that killed a 30-year-old man. Police said they have no reason to believe the attacks were racially motivated. That's correct, in Bill Clinton terms. They don't have one reason - they have a passel of reasons. All attackers were black or Hispanic and only one victim was a non-white.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Jeffery H. Caldwell met the cleansing needle on Texas Death Row, becoming the 32nd piece of human debris to exit the planet so far this year in Texas. Jeffery was convicted of murdering his parents and his sister. He said he loved all of his family that he didn't exterminate - except for his two brothers. They testified against him at his trial 11 years ago.

CINCINNATI -- Gov. George W. Bush was blindsided by reporters asking about the ruling of a veteran Texas fool, Federal Judge William Wayne Justice. Justice released a court order blaming Bush for not extending Medicaid services to low-income Texas children. The federal case involved was filed during the administration of former Gov. Ann (Iron Hair) Richards. Justice was appointed to the federal bench by Lyndon Johnson. The Medicaid ruling represents a step up for Justice, a left-lining autocrat. A Justice ruling on prison overcrowding in the 1980s made prison a more comfy place for felons, but claimed untold victims among law-abiding people when Texas had to make wholesale release of bad men to comply with Justice's order. A Bush spokesman said Justice's finding will be appealed, probably successfully, since the judge's orders are so routinely overturned that they should be printed with backup lights on the title page.

ATLANTA -- A man and a good hoe disappeared from Southern cotton fields generations ago, but Curtis Donald Keene of Abbeville, Ga., has a more modern problem. Keene apparently wasn't satisfied with receiving federal money just for not growing cotton, so he planted his $200,000 John Deere cotton-picking machine, then got $95,000 from an insurance company when he reported the cotton-picking thing missing. However, some cotton-picking finks spotted telltale patches of John Deere green protruding from a hillside on a Keene farm and reported the cotton-picking caper to the Georgia Bureau of Investigation.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Given that Algore owns hundreds of thousands of buck's worth of stock in Occidental Petroleum, does that certify him as an Oxymoron?

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